i don't mean to sound like a ***- i just really need to let it out.
I'm a university student and people are always always always smoking and/or vaping.
my whole life I've been taught that this is just really detrimental for your health and i also have pretty severe health anxiety- i hate that I'm like this. being as healthy as i can kind of matters a lot to people and i get quite sick easily. the idea of actively shortening my life eg. by having a cigarette kind of scares me.
since coming to university, my autism often makes me feel like an outcast. I've wanted to fit in as much as possible.
this part isn't about autism but the fact that i'm a non- smoker also makes me feel like i'm set apart further. i feel ashamed of myself whenever i have to mention i am not a fan of cigarette smoke at all. i'm still overthinking a conversation i had about me volunteering for somewhere and person mentioned about people smoking and i said that and she said that most people are smokers and now i feel bad.
i don't really know how it started- maybe it's the smell of it or what but i feel extremely angry whenever i see people smoke. so many people smoke here. i get that it's really addictive- i struggled against a self harm addiction for a couple years and it's hard to get out of such addictions.
i can imagine that smoking is a relaxing behaviour and sometimes i wonder what it may feel like.
i'm a long distance runner and i also know it'd really impact my ability to exercise and also it appears like a very expensive habit.
having said that, the thing that bothers me the most is the fact that so many people vape. vaping was initially designed to help people quit smoking and now people vape without ever smoking. it bothers me how people read the packaging that says this may be addictive and continue or the fact that the long term implications of vapes are yet to be found out as it's a new thing. i feel as though people are slowly damaging themselves. i have this irrational fear of everyone dying around me.
i have conflicting thoughts which i don't understand.
especially when they're people i care about but in general. but it's like i feel so angry at the people themselves for smoking and i hate myself for saying i don't like it. i feel like the entire world is judging me.
sometimes i wonder if the only way for me to overcome this is to pick up a cigarette or vape myself but they're so expensive, i have social anxiety going up to the counter to ask esp as i don't know what I'm asking for nor do i know how to smoke or vape nor do i like the smell.
