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Self neglect

NAS83587

Any suggestions to help my 60 year old brother in law?  He's lived alone in the family home since his parents died, with some care from my sister in law who lives nearly two hours away.  He's waiting for a formal diagnosis, but his brother and nephew are diagnosed so we're pretty sure he will be too.

He's lost a lot of weight, isn't cleaning, to the extent that visitors have been ill after going there)  - won't spend any money to fix broken household equipment  or maintain the house at all,(although he has savings) won't put the heating on or flush the loo for days.    At the same time, he wont get rid of anything that carries memories of his parents - to the extent that he keeps wrappers, foil etc on the surfaces.

He says he doesn't see the point of cleaning as it will only need to be done again the next day and it's too expensive to mend things, but won't accept our offers of organising and paying for repairs either.

Has anyone had any experience of this?  My sister in law doesn't want to have to stop helping him but it is upsetting her to see him neglecting himself and what was her family home.

Parents

  • My mum had similar traits.

    I believe she was undiagnosed autistic and bi-polar but also had paranoia and delusions.

    She was a hoarder and I had to secretly throw away dirty food containers etc.

    For many years she wouldn't go to bed, wouldn't clean herself or the house.

    She also wouldn't accept help from anyone else and became very stressed when I tried to sort things out and tidy up, even discreetly.

    Because of anxiety about hospitals she became blind.

    Her house roof was collapsing (with a large hole letting in the rain) and luckily, because I had years earlier been able to facilitate her to put me on her cheques as a signatory, I was able to organise a new roof.

    However, she rang the police about the workmen every day.

    It was only once she had a fall in her house that I was able to get any kind of intervention and carers coming in.

    My mum had also developed dementia by her 80s and it was a huge struggle to get this diagnosed as I couldn't take her anywhere, but in fact after her fall mental health nurses called and I asked for a diagnosis at her house as her GP wouldn't even speak to me and she wouldn't do Power of Attorney.

    The mental health nurses agreed to give a dementia diagnosis at her house and it was only then that I was able to organise care in the home.

    Finally, it was only upon her becoming seriously ill and stuck in a toilet + being taken to hospital that I was able to try to sort out her house and found that she had a mouse nest next to where she sat on the sofa.

    It was only upon her death that I was able to start clearing her house and in fact, I found the task too much (physically, psychologically and emotionally) so I paid to have the house cleared.  As there were areas I couldn't access, I actually don't know if there were items that it would have been good to keep.

    When people resist help and they are still deemed to have mental capacity (or you are unable to get an assessment, as I was) there is very little can be done unless there is an emergency (in my experience).

    All the best.

  • in reply to Deleted user

    Debbie,

    I'm so sorry to hear of all that you've been through.  What a strong person you are to be moving on with everything despite such a horrendous experience.

    Sending healing vibes.

  • in reply to Deleted user

    When I think back over it, self-neglect has been quite a major thing in my family.

    My brother-in-law stopped eating when he became immobilised by illness, so I think that's what he died of.

    My sister (his wife) knew she had a lump in her breast about 20 years before she sought diagnosis, so she eventually died of a slow growing cancer.

    My other sister is very passive, so she lets the world happen around her, which is bad for her finances and the impact on others (and of course, herself).

    I think I'm 'guilty' of it too to a much lesser degree.

    I'm always amazed how women get all their bits sorted at a beautician.

    It's as much as I can do to remember to cut my toe nails!

  • in reply to Deleted user

    ,

    Unknown said:

    I'm always amazed how women get all their bits sorted at a beautician.

    That made me smile because I trained as a beauty therapist because I thought it would be a holistic approach to looking after people.  I found it full of superficial plebs and couldn't continue because of allergies anyway.

    Your comment made me smile.

    I think you're doing great considering all that you've been through and remembering to cut your toenails is a good thing.  My legs are in winter mode - no shaving required. :-). This is a huge benefit for keeping warm when single. :-). They're not massively hairy as I'm blonde but it's enough to keep the winter chill at bay. heee heee

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  • in reply to Deleted user

    ,

    Unknown said:

    I'm always amazed how women get all their bits sorted at a beautician.

    That made me smile because I trained as a beauty therapist because I thought it would be a holistic approach to looking after people.  I found it full of superficial plebs and couldn't continue because of allergies anyway.

    Your comment made me smile.

    I think you're doing great considering all that you've been through and remembering to cut your toenails is a good thing.  My legs are in winter mode - no shaving required. :-). This is a huge benefit for keeping warm when single. :-). They're not massively hairy as I'm blonde but it's enough to keep the winter chill at bay. heee heee

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