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Self neglect

NAS83587

Any suggestions to help my 60 year old brother in law?  He's lived alone in the family home since his parents died, with some care from my sister in law who lives nearly two hours away.  He's waiting for a formal diagnosis, but his brother and nephew are diagnosed so we're pretty sure he will be too.

He's lost a lot of weight, isn't cleaning, to the extent that visitors have been ill after going there)  - won't spend any money to fix broken household equipment  or maintain the house at all,(although he has savings) won't put the heating on or flush the loo for days.    At the same time, he wont get rid of anything that carries memories of his parents - to the extent that he keeps wrappers, foil etc on the surfaces.

He says he doesn't see the point of cleaning as it will only need to be done again the next day and it's too expensive to mend things, but won't accept our offers of organising and paying for repairs either.

Has anyone had any experience of this?  My sister in law doesn't want to have to stop helping him but it is upsetting her to see him neglecting himself and what was her family home.

Parents

  • My mum had similar traits.

    I believe she was undiagnosed autistic and bi-polar but also had paranoia and delusions.

    She was a hoarder and I had to secretly throw away dirty food containers etc.

    For many years she wouldn't go to bed, wouldn't clean herself or the house.

    She also wouldn't accept help from anyone else and became very stressed when I tried to sort things out and tidy up, even discreetly.

    Because of anxiety about hospitals she became blind.

    Her house roof was collapsing (with a large hole letting in the rain) and luckily, because I had years earlier been able to facilitate her to put me on her cheques as a signatory, I was able to organise a new roof.

    However, she rang the police about the workmen every day.

    It was only once she had a fall in her house that I was able to get any kind of intervention and carers coming in.

    My mum had also developed dementia by her 80s and it was a huge struggle to get this diagnosed as I couldn't take her anywhere, but in fact after her fall mental health nurses called and I asked for a diagnosis at her house as her GP wouldn't even speak to me and she wouldn't do Power of Attorney.

    The mental health nurses agreed to give a dementia diagnosis at her house and it was only then that I was able to organise care in the home.

    Finally, it was only upon her becoming seriously ill and stuck in a toilet + being taken to hospital that I was able to try to sort out her house and found that she had a mouse nest next to where she sat on the sofa.

    It was only upon her death that I was able to start clearing her house and in fact, I found the task too much (physically, psychologically and emotionally) so I paid to have the house cleared.  As there were areas I couldn't access, I actually don't know if there were items that it would have been good to keep.

    When people resist help and they are still deemed to have mental capacity (or you are unable to get an assessment, as I was) there is very little can be done unless there is an emergency (in my experience).

    All the best.

Reply

  • My mum had similar traits.

    I believe she was undiagnosed autistic and bi-polar but also had paranoia and delusions.

    She was a hoarder and I had to secretly throw away dirty food containers etc.

    For many years she wouldn't go to bed, wouldn't clean herself or the house.

    She also wouldn't accept help from anyone else and became very stressed when I tried to sort things out and tidy up, even discreetly.

    Because of anxiety about hospitals she became blind.

    Her house roof was collapsing (with a large hole letting in the rain) and luckily, because I had years earlier been able to facilitate her to put me on her cheques as a signatory, I was able to organise a new roof.

    However, she rang the police about the workmen every day.

    It was only once she had a fall in her house that I was able to get any kind of intervention and carers coming in.

    My mum had also developed dementia by her 80s and it was a huge struggle to get this diagnosed as I couldn't take her anywhere, but in fact after her fall mental health nurses called and I asked for a diagnosis at her house as her GP wouldn't even speak to me and she wouldn't do Power of Attorney.

    The mental health nurses agreed to give a dementia diagnosis at her house and it was only then that I was able to organise care in the home.

    Finally, it was only upon her becoming seriously ill and stuck in a toilet + being taken to hospital that I was able to try to sort out her house and found that she had a mouse nest next to where she sat on the sofa.

    It was only upon her death that I was able to start clearing her house and in fact, I found the task too much (physically, psychologically and emotionally) so I paid to have the house cleared.  As there were areas I couldn't access, I actually don't know if there were items that it would have been good to keep.

    When people resist help and they are still deemed to have mental capacity (or you are unable to get an assessment, as I was) there is very little can be done unless there is an emergency (in my experience).

    All the best.

Children