Worries of death?

Does anyone else feel like they're ganna die soon, like you're body feels so *** you feel like you're ganna die of natural causes? I'm 22 I feel like I'm in a 90 year olds body, doesn't help that I have health anxiety. I am fully getting things ready in case I die, I just feel like I'll die in my sleep or something. Some people say autism is a gift, for me it feels like a curse. Noone understands me or goes through what I do and it makes me really sad 

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  • My body’s always full of inflammation and anxiety but has weathered the storm this far and could go on for a decent while yet or I could die tomorrow. Oddly, health anxiety as a specific phobia doesn’t plague me though I know one person who is tortured by that. When I explain to them that I’m less bothered about potential illness but then list the things that I obsess over and they honestly can’t see the point of fretting about, it’s an interesting insight into how varied we can be as humans. 

    I do remember when I was much younger being completely paralysed with fear and panic at the inevitably of death and its inescapable permanence. Sometimes I’ll still get that  3 am moment of trying to grasp what it will be like to not be again - forever. And it’s so distessing and overwhelming that my consciousness  can only really engage momentarily with the enormity of the forthcoming infinite continuum of ‘being’ dead that my mind reels back from it and seeks solace in something of the here and now, or a podcast or any diversion at all really. 

    But the specifics of this illness or that - what will be the something with my name in it? - don’t occupy me much. They all head to the same place. And that’s what’s scary. 

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  • My body’s always full of inflammation and anxiety but has weathered the storm this far and could go on for a decent while yet or I could die tomorrow. Oddly, health anxiety as a specific phobia doesn’t plague me though I know one person who is tortured by that. When I explain to them that I’m less bothered about potential illness but then list the things that I obsess over and they honestly can’t see the point of fretting about, it’s an interesting insight into how varied we can be as humans. 

    I do remember when I was much younger being completely paralysed with fear and panic at the inevitably of death and its inescapable permanence. Sometimes I’ll still get that  3 am moment of trying to grasp what it will be like to not be again - forever. And it’s so distessing and overwhelming that my consciousness  can only really engage momentarily with the enormity of the forthcoming infinite continuum of ‘being’ dead that my mind reels back from it and seeks solace in something of the here and now, or a podcast or any diversion at all really. 

    But the specifics of this illness or that - what will be the something with my name in it? - don’t occupy me much. They all head to the same place. And that’s what’s scary. 

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