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Aspergers and Caring Too Much

NAS71288

To paint a full picture, I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 16 (3 years ago), and have started my first year of uni. I haven't really had a good social support system at secondary and have only really started picking up the areas I'm kind of struggling in following my entry to uni and being around people I share interests with. As such, my confidence is very limited to the areas I'm good at and isn't very high in other areas like social stuff (although I desperately want to be good at it.)

I'm kind of struggling. Yesterday, I was worrying over something that I was telling myself not to, and I had a fairly long-winded anxiety attack over one of my friends. However, after a very confidence damaging conversation with one of my friends, it was like my emotions just shut off. And now, the next day, I'm starting to feel like when it comes to caring for other people; I'm not able to recognize how much people care for me or in my head "they don't care as much as I do", and it's actually a really heart-wrenching feeling.

I've always been called by some of my friends as someone who cares too much, and for a large proportion of my life, I've been kind of seeking the same level of love or care that I give/think of other people, but I've never once really felt it or recognized it back. It's almost like I'm feeling an extreme in comparison to what they're feeling. What's more on this, is that I know my parents care and love me, but it's like it's invisible to me, and I don't recognize that it's there. I'm really trying to understand why I'm thinking like this, and what I can kind of do to adjust my thinking mindset. It's getting to the point that I'm questioning whether I should care at all because I always end up over-caring and the only major damage being dealt is to my confidence and myself.

It's extremely lonely, and I really don't want to feel like 90% of the time I'm the only person who cares to the level I care at. It makes me uneasy in a sense and I was wondering if anyone else felt like this and might know what worked for them?

  • Hello 71388, I am Number.

    I'm in my 50's but still feel somewhere between 19 and 28yrs old most of the time.

    I suffer (or am blessed) with the same senses of over-empathy that you describe so well above.

    I write here to tell you that it has NEVER changed for me.  In my 30's I tried to hide and/or over compensate for my over-empathy by adopting a mask of "donkey" hole because that is what I saw most people around me behaving like.  It didn't work.....yes, I became better accepted with more "friends" etc......but there was zero real connection with others.

    I became happier when I realised (and accepted) that, when it comes to having "friends", LESS IS MORE!

    Embrace your glorious mind and feelings.  It is OK (and in my case, essential) to be very different.  I still struggle to believe that people seem to genuinely care for me - not many - but the ones that do, REALLY do.  I am blessed.  I suspect you are too.

    Acceptance of yourself is the key.  Please try to achieve that earlier than I did, and I'm confident that you will enjoy a wholly satisfying and contented life being different.

    Best wishes and kindest regards,

    Number.

  • i know how you feel. you're not alone with that, and i'm so happy to know that i'm not alone either. :)

  • Is it ' over caring ' or ' over worrying ' you are perceiving ? There is a huge difference between the two. ' Over worrying ' would be a harmful and very stressful mindset to be in all of the time. This can become a very bad and self-destructive habit.

    In contrast, caring would be something that comes natural when you are at ease with yourself and comfortable in your own skin. Likewise, you say you are desperate for better social skills but desperation is not a very attractive quality which could put people off and achieve the opposite.

    You are still young so perhaps just learn to enjoy this time and allow yourself to get to know you better. Don't be so hard on yourself as that too can become a bad habit. Get to know what you're feeling, what they are trying to tell you and become aware if some of the negative ones are habitual or helpful. After all, no one ever complains about the positive ones and being too happy do they ?

  • I can def feel like that. I seem to proactively care about people, and it doesn't seem to often get reciprocated. It has though.