I want euthanasia.

Thanks for the recommendation; I will add Beevor to my reading list. Are you feeling better since you last wrote?

Well, I personally know people who got firsts from top unis who are either complete douches, moral vacuums, or both (more common). I think there's only so much a termly exam can measure, and I've personally done well in some essays in which I invented quotations, statistics and other crap.

Personally, I feel that people who have wanted to die at any point tend to have above-average intellect, because we had to go through a lot of thought to challenge the natural assumption that life is worth living. It was David Hume who wrote a whole treatise "On Suicide" and Camus who wrote "Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy." (from Myth of Sisyphus) So, count yourself highly intelligent.

Feel free to pm me here - I think you might need to send me a friend request or something - not sure how the new system works.

I'm sorry if it means anything. Can I have your email? I think you're someone I could find valuable to talk to privately if you're ok with that.

I think my Dad might have that book. He's the photographer in the house. I've actually been to the Vietnam war museum in Saigon. All I remember is the pictures of agent orange victims, most horrible thing I've ever seen.

I'm into the works of war historian Anthony Beevor. I've read his account of Stalingrad and I'm halfway through his book about the Ardenne. I struggle to motivate myself to read because I'm extremely insecure about my intellect. My mother and sister are academic aces. I think I'm as smart as them but with my Aspergers I could never get a first in history or anything.

Why not? And what happened to the volunteer gardening job?

I've tried to get into free video games but COD Warzone won't work on my laptop :-(

What's the last history book you read? Mine is Vietnam Inc, a photo journal by war photographer Philip Jones Griffith, with an introduction by Chomsky. You might like it, if you haven't read it already

I like video games and history books. I used to have a volunteer gardening job that I really liked and I occasionally help my mum out with the garden at home. I can't do any of these things most of the time though.

Try eating 2 avocados a day. You will be surprised how much they can lift mood. Both the Dutch and the French eat a lot more of them than us and they're both ranked higher than us in indexes that measure happiness. 

I disagree with you slightly - it is a difference *and* a disability - but we also have responsibility for our own lives.     I've been relatively successful in life but I've been mercilessly bullied and abused all along the way.      There have been times when I've been suicidal.     I've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer and nothing focusses the mind more than certain death - it's when you realise that you *really* don't want to die.

Well, to be clear, I didn't get those means from the websites. Those websites are in fact really outdated and the things they recommend have been off the market for some years now. I acquired what I have through many coincidences and only found out they were dangerous by chance. What I meant was I did try to look things up like you. I left out the fact that what I found was no longer relevant. In any case, why not spend all this time searching on something more productive? What's one thing you enjoy, or used to enjoy?

Hope this cheers you up a bit.

I'm intrigued by these reliable means of suicide that you acquired for a princely sum, but I'll leave it to those illegal websites to find out about that.

I get you completely. it's very difficult. when people tell us that life gets better or to think of more positive things i find it hard because for some of us things don't improve and having a life-long condition where things won't change doesn't help thats for sure

There is none! I've got a counselor who is or was married to an aspie and has three aspie kids and I'm still not impressed. The only "help" I ever saw that impressed me was a Cambridge educated private psychiatrist. Too bad I don't have a money tree in my garden so I could talk to her every week.

Living on a boat or a hut in the forest is a pipe dream. Being sectioned is more likely. You're one of those people who think aspergers is a difference not a disability well maybe for you but not for the vast majority of us and certainly not for me.

Have felt the same way too and have done the same as you, googling advise on how to die. I've even found the websites that you say google is hiding. Have tried to kill myself a few times. Even now, I can kill myself if I want to as I have a known means to do so. But I stopped after a while because, at least for now, it's not worth it on many fronts. It's not worth getting a medical record that puts you at risk of being sectioned. The means of suicide are really not worth your money when you could be spending it on a good dinner or a good concert. And most of all the people who are making your life hell are not worth your life. I'm not saying that your life is actually great nor that you haven't discovered the good things. Of course you're in a terrible place to want to die, and I wish so much that I could reach my hand to you in real life. I'm just saying the things and people pressing against your neck aren't worth your life. Don't give them that. It's not your fault, not our fault, that we're autistic, so why punish yourself in the ultimate way? And to want to die shows that you do care about your life - you care that it isn't what you'd like it to be. It shows that you do have a vision of what your life should be like - you do have a hope, whether you think it's realistic or not.

But if that's too much to think about, surely there are some small things that make you smile? What's your favourite movie? Do you like reading? I think you'd enjoy Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus, if you haven't read it already. Or would it help to go hiking or camping, getting away from pesky humanity? Are there goals you've always wanted to achieve but never got around to doing, like learning a new instrument? Please let us know how you're feeling, when you're up to it 

i have the same problem. i have autism and it has lead my to being hospitalised because i just want to die. the problem is nothing is 100% i know all the methods i wont give out for obvious reasons, but nothing is 100%. also i struggle with the fact there is no help for people like us, nothing at all. it's a hard life to live thats for sure. 

One of the big problems is status quo - it's very difficult to do something very different to everyone else.       Most NTs lead the same lives - they do school, get married, have kids and then become good consumers with lots of debt.    

Breaking out of this mould is very hard - what kind of life do you think you really want?      Living on a boat?      In a hut in the forest?      Being sectioned so someone looks after you 24/7?        Do you really want a wife & kids?

If you know that you're as Aspie, how can you turn your life to your advantage?   You don't have to play the same game so ending it early seems short-sighted.

I might need to keep these lines to hand for the next time the big weight of despair hits.

Thank you for writing this out.

I have done research in ways to kill myself. 

What I learnt is there is no 'good' way to do it. No painless way, no quick way. No way that is 100% certain death. 

And the idea that I could end up in an even worse situation because of a suicide attempt that didn't work? That is what essentially stops me doing it. 


'when my life has still gone nowhere...' 

Do you think life is meant to go somewhere? 

I know society tells us that if we 'just try hard enough we'll get somewhere' but noticed how that 'somewhere' is always vague? There is no somewhere. There is no 'meant to go somewhere' with life. Life just is. 

And yea it's pretty ***. But it still just is. 

Stop looking for somewhere to go. Somewhere doesn't matter. 

I feel the same many days. Is there any way you can enjoy life on your own terms? What are your interests?