Ive always contended with this issue and half attempted at 17yrs...i am now 51., and diagnosed last year with Autism.
I know why i had a break down at 17 as i was being thrust into the wider world and was overwhelmed(not knowing at the time that i had Autism,.)I also had very uncaring parents..
Ive not been par tof a family since 17yrs old...and not had any friends from that time also...And the ones i did have at that time...were just people i latched onto for one reason or another and they rightly in some ways..hated my neediness!
I wont bore anyone with my present circumstances... but ive been going through so much.,...and suicidal thoughts are coming up....but i sense theyre a cognitive crutch when im mentally exhausted !.
But ive began to find great comfort within peoples comments here on the site....Thats im not alone in some senses.....we all ,one way or another have shared symptoms and its encouraging to read that people CAN and do, become comfortable being alone....(if those are the right words) As this is a struggle, which pains me because i know even if i did have friends..i just cannot seem to maintain these relationships....So i hope to finally become a friend to myself..
I dont wish or intend to upset anyone with the subject matter and it doesnt have to go deep at all..but truly feel free to express yourself in whatever way you wish...
but wondered if suicidal thoughts are a thing within Autism itself.?
Greetings... I log in less lately, yet sometimes just as I do so, a New Thread appears, so, this is one of those times...
AlwaysIS said:wondered if suicidal thoughts are a thing within Autism itself.?
...No. Allistic people have "suicidal thoughts" as well at times; yet with Autism the "suicide rate" is often a much discussed and highlighted statistic. Have a look at the very many other Threads about "suicide" here and make up Your own mind, is what I say.
I also always advise everyone here... be Your Own "best friend" first of course - if You cannot look out for Yourself first then You cannot really look out for other people. It may sound selfish, but no-one else knows You better than Yourself... learn from doubts and mistakes and "haters" and just do whatever makes Yourself strong and correct.
You're certainly not alone in this; I have always been plagued with such thoughts - usually in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep, and my brain decides to focus on a million and one ways that I might have screwed my life up. Other times they are very fleeting - a bus might be driving past, and just for a moment, I think; "ooh, what if I just stepped into the road right now?". Is this more common in autism? The statistics speak for themselves - some research shows rates as much as nine times higher than average (though much less so the older people get). I've also spoken to quite a few other autistic people over the last few years of using forums who have much the same experiences.
My tactic (and please read to the end for the big caveat!!) is not to fight against the thoughts too much - I accept them as "unwanted thoughts" and let the fantasy of planning it all play out, and at some point, my brain nearly always just decides to move on to something else of it's own accord. If I try to push against them, I find them much harder to let go of. HOWEVER, I do NOT recommend this tactic to people who haven't had a lifetime of getting used to having such thoughts and knowing very, very well when they are unlikely to act upon them - please get in touch with the Samaritans or a mental health crisis team if you have even the slightest doubts that the thoughts might not be so easy to shake off!!!
I don't think that it's being autistic per se which makes those thoughts more common - it's feelings of not "fitting in", not having "a place in the world", stress from trying to mask ourselves, and a whole load of other mental health factors like that. I'm sure that if the world was more accepting of us, that those terrible statistics would be far less stark. As you said, you have to become a friend to yourself, and a bit of online friendship with our forum buddies certainly doesn't do any harm, either!
Maybe, because we experience shutdowns, which are a bit like 'stop the ride I want to get off', sometimes that feeling is even stronger, like 'stop this life, I want to get off'.
I have experienced this myself. I have sometimes genuinely felt there was no hope and no point in living. Other times I have maybe just wanted to get off the ride and escape.
I sense its the side effects of isolation and not fitting in too...it would likely be odd not to have them occur i suppose..
Ive had these "thoughts" very much in the same style as you described yourself.
And , havent acted on them...except a half hearted,,,(scream for help at 17)..so 34 yrs of not acting on these thoughts...
I take great comfort , from other views and experiences..
Thanks for your reply. Very helpful
I have had suicidal thoughts every day since I was an infant, although my last serious attempt was three years ago.
So you are not alone!
Yes. I experience many suicidal thoughts. I’m fairly suicidal tonight. But I often am.
Hi AlwaysIS, you're not alone, and we're here for you. The space between self and others needs a bridge and when language cannot function as the bridge, it can be very isolating. Since diagnosis I've been trying to find more visual bridges as it is difficult to maintain verbal, auditory-based relationships. I wave at people more now and make gestures if I'm in a non-verbal place. I'm also going on training to learn Makaton to help with communication, and trying to find other visual ways of maintaining relationships which is where technology can come in. This forum is also a great place to come to, and being a friend to yourself is very important. Wishing you health and healing
I do at times. I can have some rather black or white thinking and my suicidal thoughts are often in relation to fears of becoming homeless or being unfairly maligned by those in authority. Sometimes they are triggered by being ridiculed , mocked ,judged or critiscised...or even by a cross look from someone who has at one time done one of those things...my inner self is reduced to a small child..vulnerable , fearful and hopeless. Anxiety at not knowing how to respond..anxiety at feeling misunderstood, anxiety at processing the thoughts and feelings tend to hit the brick wall of suicide...years ago that manifested in me drinking or taking drugs..often both..then I got sober...now I think of suicide. The despair at the time is very deep...but I have discovered that it usually evaporates like dew in the sunshine when I spit it out in an AA meeting or talk to a kind friend or just become a friend or listener to someone else in pain. I am SO literal...and that is a big part of my problems. I misunderstand people..neurotypical people misunderstand me..and then of coarse there are those who exploit us because of our naive expectation of goodwill. A sadistic person can make one feel suicidal and get a certain amount of delight in causing pain.