Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm never anywhere in between the two states of 'interested' or 'can't be bothered' or 'there is no point in doing X Y or Z" Even when I'm interested in something I'm always bordering onto 'can't be bothered' Always teetering just on the edge of at any moment turning to "there is no point." I can't make decisions to do anything because of it. I keep telling myself to stick with the decisions I make so I don't keep changing them, that once I've made the decision to for example go on a bird watching trip then I go on that bird watching trip. But there always seems to be this push back that can't resist saying, "No. I can't be bothered with this" and the whole list of reasons why not to. 1. The weather.
2. I'm always disappointed by everything anyway.
3. My photography is *** anyway.
4. the faff of having to go from one place to another
5. Dealing with other people who are all strangers.
And I end up in a fight with myself.
I get so frustrated with myself I'll tense my muscles till it aches and punch them to make them ache quicker. I'm so tired of the constant feeling of resistance to everything. I've tried all the meditation, 'being more open' to experiences and all that stuff. It feels like really, all I really want to do is exist in a vacuum with nothing around me that can overstimulate me or even understimulate me. I guess I'm probably describing death. To treat depression I'm supposed to carry on taking meds and keep somewhat forcing myself into tasks so that I can feel the relief. But I'm not sure it's a relief anymore. It's just too tiring. I feel like my life is just me treading through treacle with every single thing I try. My it's this 'autistic inertia' that I have heard of around here as well as Depression. I don't know why, at this rate, I continue to carry on at all.
I think some of what you are describing is PAD behaviour. I go through quite a similar behaviour. If someone asks me to do something or, especially, go somewhere, I say yes as a reaction. Part of me knows I should do theses things as well, but then there is another part of me that knows I'm the master of excuses. Usually by the time the event comes around I've dreamt up some elaborate reason why it would be impossible for me to go. I've even resorted to faking illness.
More recently though I've tried to look at it differently and take the time to think why I need to avoid it. Then I can look a putting things in place to help me go through with it instead. Sometimes that means driving miles on my own to the place we are supposed to be going so I can suss it all out first. The other way to spend literally hours on line looking at places. Maps, pictures, reviews, street view that sort of thing.
This seems to help. Doesn't always work, but if it doesn't I try not to dwell on it. Try to think "I couldn't do X this time, but I did manage y last time". Again doesn't always work, but it's something.
Good luck dude. Give yourself a break. It's not easy this ***, but it's beatable one fairy step at a time.
Fear!