Do you think that this person is my friend or have I made them hate me now?

I posted to someone who I once knew from school that I was lonely at uni and that I had no friends and that people were calling me names. I felt very down and under pressure at Uni when I did, and think that this person is angry at me now. Do you think this is good advice to what I posted, or do you think this person hates me? 

He responded: First of all you need to chill. You are not a retard. The dictionary definition does not apply to you because you are social and you know how to interact with people. Only you can change your loneliness. Throw caution to the wind. Join a club/society. Ignore those who insult you - you have dealt with worse at school. If you think you have no friends then you are wrong. Look up the definition of friend in a dictionary and apply it to people you know. It s not all about uni work. You need to put yourself out there and friends will come your way. 

Do you think that this is good advice, or do you think that the person who wrote it now hates me and is angry at me? 

They initially asked me how Uni was going, and I responded inappropriately, only saying how lonely/friendless I was there. I was suffering from some depression when I responded. 


Do you think both the way I responded to their message and their response to my (in hindsight) inappropriate response (stressing my loneliness/friendlessness) has made them hate me now? We haven t spoke since. Is this good advice, or is it blunt and are they effectively saying that they hate me now?

  •  In my experience, there will always be people, whether at uni, or the world of work, who try and cope with their own pressures by putting others down. As such, you need to learn how to cope with this - I will often go for a run after work to deal with my frustrations with these people and to look after my MH in general.

    If you are lonely you need to take control of the situation by getting yourself out there e.g joining a club, applying for jobs etc.

    Your friend provided good advice. you told them you had an issue, they provided ideas on how to solve it.

  • That reads like good, positive, supportive advice to me.

    I can't see why you'd think they hate you - if you'd posted here that you felt lonely etc. I can guarantee you'd have had responses pretty much identical to what your friend has said... all meant positively.

  • Hey,

    It sounds like they've given great rational advice - straight to the point and makes a lot of sense! I don't think they hate you - if anything, I think they feel bad that you're not happy, and they want to help you. It's hard to say for sure though.

    Much love <3

  • Why would they hate you, lovely? You haven't said anything wrong whatsoever...as far as I'm concerned, it's not at all inappropriate to voice that you feel lonely and friendless at uni. I'm an Aspie student and, as much as I adore uni, I feel very lonely and friendless at times (even though logically I know I do have people I would call friends and who would call me a friend) but that aside, the majority of neurotypical students feel these things too at times. I'm not trying to demean what you're going through - I hate it when I'm opening up about certain difficulties I face as someone on the spectrum and NTs go, 'Oh, we all feel like that sometimes,' but in this case, I think there is some truth in this. There is a lot of pressure on students from all angles, including this idea that our years at uni are the best days/nights of our lives and we have to be making friendships that will last a lifetime...not every day can be perfect, no one can get on with every single person they meet, and despite what bitter grown-ups say, there are so many real challenges that come with being at student, academically, socially and personally.

    I think this guy has responded to you in quite a direct, slightly simplistic manner, but it sounds like he means well and has respect for you. Listen to his advice, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to take it - or at least, take it at your own pace. 'Putting yourself out there' can be hard, especially for someone on the spectrum, so take things as slowly or as quickly as you like. If you enjoy your uni work, put that first - that's why you're there, after all. Whilst I love a party and do believe one should seize the experience and do things they enjoy outside of lectures and seminars and coursework, I remind myself that work comes first and always. That's what we'll be paying the debt for, after all! And don't feel pressured to go out and do things people expect students to want to do (i.e. drinking and clubbing!) if these things are just not things you're into. I know it's a cliche and a lot easier said than done in so many ways, but try to just to be yourself, and be as open as you can, and I have no doubt that you'll meet other people who have lots in common with you.

    If people are calling you names, that is bullying and it needs to be dealt with. Towards the end of my first semester, one of my flatmates went through a phase of picking on me, trying to humiliate me in front of our other flatmates, saying vile things behind my back and putting me down at every opportunity, and I was on the verge of speaking to the uni about it...thankfully the situation (pretty much!) sorted itself out as my other flatmates stood up for me and helped me stand up to her, but my parents and I were thinking about speaking to the uni. Perhaps it might be a good idea to speak to student support services at the uni if the name-calling is still going on when you go back? I know it can be hard to speak up, but you don't want your time at uni to be ruined by stupid people who are acting like they're still in Year Nine. Remember that, whilst their behaviour is hard to deal with, it says far more about them than it does about you.

    Another thing is...does the uni know about your diagnosis (assuming you are diagnosed with an autism spectrum condition)? Have you been offered any support? If you're feeling depressed and isolated, then the student support services at your uni may be able to offer you someone to talk to, or if you don't want that they can at least give your lecturers a heads-up so you can have extended deadlines or, if you're just feeling rubbish and need a day to rest, they can understand why you're not there and make sure you don't miss out on assignments etc, or at least know that you're not missing class because you can't be bothered. When you go back in September, this might be a good thing to reach out for, although you may well have things in place already. If you're feeling consistently very low, then I'm not a doctor but you might have clinical depression, which is very very common for people on the spectrum. Maybe a trip to your GP might be helpful; they might also be able to speak to the uni to make them aware that you're struggling.

    But with regards to your post...you have said absolutely nothing wrong - this guy asked you a question and you gave him an honest answer. He has no right to think any worse of you for what you said. It doesn't sound like he has any hard feelings towards you at all, and if he did, he wouldn't be worth bothering about.

    I hope I've been helpful and haven't sounded trite or like I'm over-simplifying things! Lots of love to you, and I hope you feel better soon.

  • The general curtness/tone suggests they might have been slightly annoyed at the time of writing - which mightn't even be anything to do with you btw, but the advice is pretty wise I think (I'm no expert in reading people or giving advice on social matters.  Or much else for that matter lol).

    If it were me, I wouldn't assume this person hates me.  I'd probably be quietly annoyed because surely this person who knows me would also know of my condition and the invisible, yet impassable barriers it places in front of me.

  • To be honest it just looks like a very male response. He's said all the relevant things but he hasn't punctuated them with the exclamation marks, smiley faces or outward expressions of empathy that would be typical of an NT woman. But it definitely sounds like he is your friend and doesn't hate you - if he hated you he wouldn't even bother to reply to you, and if he wasn't your friend he wouldn't have messaged you to ask how uni was going in the first place.