I know this is a bit of an awkward topic but I always come on here when I am worried about something and I always seem to get the most helpful advice from you all so. I am currently 16 - I have high functioning autism, aspergers - and I haven't done anything sexually. I feel like a load of girls in my year have and I am feeling really left behind. I have absolutely no interest in doing anything sexual - life is stressful and confusing enough as it is - but I don't want people to think I am weird. I don't even like thinking about it and I can't speak to my mum and dad about it because it's awkward. I was recently with a boy, who when I said no to sending nudes, called me frigid. I am now dead worried that boys think of me like that - even though teenage boys can be dead annoying, not all though- just because I want to wait. Ant advice? Do you think I'm weird?
Yes, totally weird, I’m the same ~ welcome to the wonderful world of weirdos ~ it’s a very exclusive club, we only have the best people, so you’re in good company ~ and by ‘best’ I just mean we are a club of individuals, not sheep ~ although there’s nothing wrong with sheep either, they’re just not in our club.
I can totally relate to you and I would say, don’t do what I did, which was to force myself to be like others, just so that I wouldn’t be weird.
You’re weird, be proud of it, be proud of who you are and your individuality ~ this gets easier with time, but I can tell you, you’re way ahead of the game, you’re a smart, confident young lady and you ought to be extremely, extremely proud of yourself. And the boys and girls who think you’re frigid now, will be looking up to you in years to come and they will all be wishing they were more like you. I can tell you that from experience. I’m 51 and still don’t have that sexual urge in me, although I am open to it developing if I ever find myself in a relationship with somebody that inspires it in me. It’s not a necessary thing to have for a full and happy life or relationship and in fact the absence of it can greatly support and increase ones chances of having a full and happy life.
The urge for sexual intimacy may or may be come to you at some point, but don’t worry about that, you’re not feeling the urge for sexual intimacy now and that gives you an enormous amount of freedom that somebody with that urge will never attain. It means that you have no need for finding a mate, which makes you open to experiencing relationships in a different way and engaging with people in ways that you wouldn’t, if you had a deep need to engage with people on a sexual level. It’s extremely empowering when you own it. It’s like it gives you this invisible pass to be exactly who you are at any given time because you’re not concerned about whether you are attracting people to you or not, you’re not trying to find ‘mates’, of the sexual nature, you’re just looking to click with other people who engage with life in the way that you do or who you find interesting or whatever, for whatever reason. It’s like there’s no demand there, no commitment, no expectations, it kind of makes life much simpler. It does for me anyway. And you end up with way more friends because often when people of that nature (the sexual kind) find a mate to hook up with, they give less importance, time and energy to enjoy friendships with other people. So although they get a sexual playmate, it’s often at the expense of other friendships, which could be equally if not more beneficial to them and their life. Everything in life comes with a price and I can see that there’s often a high price that comes with meeting ones sexual urges and if the urges aren’t there, then the people who don’t have them get to enjoy all of the things, and more, that the others had to give up.
It’s not ‘better’ to have sexual urges or ‘better’ to not have them. It just is what it is. If you have them, own them and enjoy them. And if you don’t, own that and enjoy that as well. And it’s not uncommon for somebody your age to get the urges in a few years time or you could be like me and get glimpses of them now and again. For me, it makes life much simpler and more enriching.
Of course, if somebody is after a sexual connection with you, and they’re not mature enough to realise that they’re not an irresistible sex bomb in everybody’s eyes, they might reject you and call you names, but that’s their problem. That’s just their opinion of you based on their need for sexual interaction not getting met. In truth, it just means you both have different needs so you’re just not a good fit for each other, so move on so you can both find somebody who is a fit. But some people haven’t learned how to do that yet, they blame their perceived inadequacy’s on other people, which often comes out as name calling.
I wouldn’t worry about what other people think of you. People change their minds all the time and I can guarantee you that they will all highly respect you and feel drawn towards you, the more you honour yourself and refuse to be brought down by the immature, ill considered, fleeting thoughts and opinions of others. What matters is what you think and believe about yourself and if you were my daughter, I’d be bursting with pride, love and admiration for you. Like you, my son astounds me (he’s not autistic) in the way he is, I learn so much from him, like I am you, that even at such a young age, you can ask such great questions and explore what’s going on. I simply tried to hide it and deal with it myself. I’m so glad you’ve got the confidence to bring the matter up. It’s all a matter of learning to trust and believe in yourself, being open to other people’s views and thoughts etc, considering them but at no point letting their thoughts about you let you loose your belief in yourself. And the more we stay true to ourselves, the less bothered we are by other people’s unkindly views on us and the less we react, the less they say them and it becomes an upward spiral. If, on the other hand, we put more importance on their childish views about us than we do our own, we set ourselves up for utter disaster. Everybody in the world has got opinions and they like to share them, whether they’re kind and thoughtful or not, so if you base your level of self esteem on the opinions of other people, you’re gonna get kicked around, a lot, because there are a lot of hurt people out there who don’t mind sharing their hurt in any way they can and by the fact that we have a life, we will at different times in our life, be the object for somebody to project their hurt and unmet needs on to. So it’s going to happen. People will call us names, they won’t like us, etc etc so the trick is, to learn to see all of that for what it is and instead put your time, energy and effort into building a healthy, strong, loving, kind, forgiving, understanding relationship with yourself and then you’ll start attracting similar kinds of people into your life and you will recognise the ones who aren’t and you’ll be able to simply stay away from those people, without judgement or anger, and continue living your own life in the sure knowledge that you know who you are.