Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,I've noticed over the last year my social ability has been in serious decline - It's never been exactly natural to me but I used to be able to manage better. I'm finding social interaction of any kind really tricky these days, even with people I am familiar with. I just seem to be very edgy around people, I've always struggled with eye contact and I just feel overly concious. I hear all these things about people with Aspergers being sort of oblivious to social surrounds and admittedly I can often miss the context of interaction but when it comes to myself I am immensely aware of myself and my projection of myself.I have a sort of perfectionist nature, which is not as arrogant as it sounds, if anything I usually just get frustrated for not living up to my expectations. I think part of the reason I may be so uptight is because I don't want to let loose any hint of a flaw. -I don't want other people to take advantage of or look down upon me for. Any slight crack in this perfect persona and I am a wreck and I tumble quickly.I just feel surprised as I often hear people on the spectrum are quite the opposite and simply don't care on things like this, where for me it is immensely intimidating and debilitating. I have a yearning to get on with people yet I feel my 'self' is very fragile and being open is very hard for me.I find forgiveness hard. If someone wrongs me I feel once I have been pushed over a certain boundary I will never be able to be open with them again - This has happened many times within a working environment to where being around that person becomes hostile and unpleasant.I'm not sure what the objective of this topic is, I guess i just wanted to see if other people on the spectrum are overly emotional as well, as a lot of what I read up seems to project a non-effective manner in general apart from certain triggers, where i feel the slightest thing can rock me emotionally.
I've wondered about this too. I read that a symptom of the condition is one of being seemingly unemotional to certain things yet I've always been deeply emotional inside. The things that make me this way aren't usually things that NT people would become emotional over but still they affect me deeply. Likewise I don't get all teary over things the seem to upset NTs.
I can definitely related to the anger. I can't just walk away from, what I consider, an injustice, pushing my view or case to the point where nothing else matters.
Social situations are more difficult now than when I was younger, maybe it's because I have less need of them now, I don't exactly go clubbin' it nowadays.
The feeling of failure is very much ever present in my mind with regards to most situations I find myself in, like you said it's almost a perfectionist quality that can't seem to be wrong or cracked.
Another trait is definitely the rigid way of thinking, which extends into my definition of myself. I can't be ok one day but falling apart another because, why? If I was ok yesterday how can I have changed today? I could socialise, to a point, in my youth so why not now? Of course the essence of this is that, I'm not static throughout my life and I, like everyone, will inevitably change.
Did any of that make sense?
The seemingly unemotional makes sense to me. Even when I'm really happy/excited I don't really show it. Although I feel like I've got more emotional in recent years like I said above, it is over seemingly small things to other people and is usually a result of me feeling frustrated and/or overwhelmed. Things that people actually get upset over don't tend to make me cry, even if I feel it on the inside. But anger yes. That definitely happens.