Published on 12, July, 2020
A few of you will know about my recent travails at work, with a colleague who - sympathetic at first about my Asperger's - has taken against me. She stage-managed an incident that led me to have a meltdown after she got the opportunity I know she'd been looking for to shout at me. I got reprimanded over that, but my employers have taken due account of the situation and have made reasonable adjustments so that I no longer have to work around this woman. They've also fixed up fortnightly 'catch-ups' with me to make sure all is okay. I've unfortunately had to report a few incidents of passive-aggressive comments and behaviour - but nothing I can really draw on as 'evidence' of a bullying campaign because they've all been done either out of earshot of others, or in ways that could easily be 'explained away' as something quite innocent. I know the agenda, though. I've dealt with this kind of thing enough times in my life. I almost expect stuff to happen - and I know that, if it comes to a complaint or mediation, I won't be able to make anything stick because I have no hard and fast proof. She'll deny there's any problem or need for mediation, anyway. And if it gets that far, then I know the pressure will increase. She won't back off. She'll become even more crafty at attempts to wind me up or wrong-foot me. I know she has the knives out.
Anyway...
Yesterday, on the way to work, I popped into a filling station for diesel. As usual, I used the opportunity to look the car over. I know every tiny dent or scratch. It was clean. Then I drove to work. I parked in a small private car park where we have three side-by-side parking bays that we're allowed to use. I don't usually park in there, and nor does anyone else because there is room along the road. But yesterday, I did. I backed into the right-hand bay, so I was facing out when I came to leave. The car park is enclosed by hedges, so can't be seen from the road. It can be seen, though, from one window on the top floor of our building. I happened to be working on the top floor yesterday, and at one point I looked out of the window and saw that this woman had also parked in this bay, right next to me and facing inwards - driver's door to driver's door with mine. My first thought was that that was odd because she always parks in the road (she arrives about an hour after I do). My second thought - only fleeting, but there - was that if she's as spiteful as I think she is, she'll scratch my car (she knows it's mine). The thought came back to me during the day. In fact, I almost decided to ask for 5 minutes so that I could go and check my car and move it. But in the end I thought I was probably being paranoid, and I left it. It was at the back of my mind all day, though.
This woman left work about 5 minutes before I did last night, and when I reached the car park she had gone. I looked at my car. There was a V-shaped key scratch in the paintwork, right by my filler cap (where I would certainly have noticed it earlier). At the level and position it was, it looked like it had been done by someone reaching out of a car window.
Well... you can imagine how I felt, and now feel. I didn't sleep last night. This morning, when I got to work, I was in such a state of anxiety that everyone who came in kept asking if I was okay. I told my manager to keep this woman away from me. I then rang a senior manager, who knows all about the case, and filled her in. I said that I couldn't prove anything, of course. But it wasn't there when I parked, and it was there when I left. So... if this woman hadn't done it, it would have to have been done by someone else in the short space of time between my arrival and hers. The SM is going to get in touch with HR about the best way to handle everything, and asked if I'd thought about mediation. Again.... I said as I said above. I've been through it before. It doesn't work with people like this. They deny there's any problem. Then they ramp things up afterwards. I said to her it'll only be resolved if one of us leaves. And, the way things are going, it'll be me. My nerves won't take it much longer. I was feeling so bad by late afternoon that I had to come home. I couldn't focus on work.
So, now I'm back to where I was. I have no proof, but a good deal of circumstantial evidence. Which will mean nothing! And she, like I said, will deny there's even any problem. I know she will. She's bullied other people - including one guy who eventually got the sack thanks to her fabricated allegations against him. She won't stop until she's driven me out. And then I'll be another notch on her gun barrel. The whole episode will simply be dismissed as something in my head.
I don't know where to go from here. Except sick - and stay that way until they let me go. I can't think of another option.
Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading.
So basically trying to say: it will be okay.
But if it goes the way I expect it to, it won't resolve itself. You've got to accept the mediation though. And whatever you do, don't quit yourself.
Thanks, Blank. That's as I feared (fortunately, I'm in a union). From experience, I know that these people are very clever, and will usually only do something when it's either unable to be proven 100%, or it's 'your word against theirs'.
I know it was her. There was no one else it could be, and she had motive. It's a war of attrition, grinding away at me until I quit - which is what she wants. From what someone else was saying this week, it seems she might be jealous of my popularity both with service users and other staff. She needs to be top dog. She also doesn't like being disagreed with on certain things - which is why everyone else plays ball with her, because they know what they'll get if they go against her. Control or what?
I won't quit. But I also know I won't stand too much more of the pressure.
I did mediation in another job, with the most horrendous bully. It was a waste of time. It made her worse - because someone had dared to suggest that there was an issue that needed resolving. I know it'll be a waste of time with this particular harpy. In fact, it'll be playing right into her court. She'll love it. Because she'll know that she's got me on the ropes.
Thanks both.
I actually had a good day, working in a different part of the building with some favourite service users and staff members.
Actually - strangely - I had a bit of a heart-to-heart this afternoon with a relatively new staff member who became really upset at one point. I asked what the problem was, and she said that she's being given passive-aggressive treatment by another staff member, and she doesn't know why. It's not the woman who's giving me problems, but a big friend of hers and a similar personality (I get along okay with her, but she's very wearing and 'in your face.') She said she keeps blanking her, not answering her, generally ignoring her. She's tried to find out why by texting her asking 'Have I done something to upset you?', but gets no replies. I then divulged to her my own problems, and we had an afternoon of basically sharing experiences at the hands of bullies.
I feel shattered now. I got in and put the washing on - and ended up with a flooded kitchen because the drain's blocked. I spent over an hour trying to unblock it with a drain snake, but no good. And, to top it all, the exhaust on the car started falling apart today, so I'll need to get that fixed. And yesterday, I found out that one of my aunts had just died. Such a week. I've got too many things mounting up in my head, and topmost seems to be that Tuesday will soon come around, and it'll be back into work.
I've got a scotch and water on the go, and it's doing the trick. I'm going to bed soon. There just seems to be so much going on, so much to do over the weekend (fix exhaust, unblock drain, try to repair scratch on car, put Xmas decs up, write cards....)
One thing at a time. Just one thing at a time...
Martian Tom good luck today!
I went into work the day after my dog died having been up most of the night. The attack dog put me in a little meeting room without a window and proceeded to beat me up verbally. I had already spoken to the Trade Union so I made that clear and insisted that the meeting was adjourned. With hindsight I regret going in to work that day, I could easily have gone sick. It did give me clear evidence of bullying but the impact on me was terrible and remains so - it just added to my bullying related PTSD. Do take care.
I'm going in today, even though I haven't slept and am frazzled. My heart was racing all night. But if I go sick again, it's another triumph for her. This is what the game is all about. It's what she did with this other guy, though she was far less subtle about it.
I'm going to get in touch with my union rep today. Mediation is all that work will recommend, and it's a no-go. But if I don't agree to it, I'll be on the wrong foot.
I won't quit, if I can help it. But there's only so much that a person can take. I will not let my health be wrecked again. It's not far off, though.
So sorry this has happened. The desire to call her out is entirely understandable. However, everything I have read and learned about narcissistic bullies suggests avoiding any interaction at all is by far the best option. This is the strategy I am adopting at the moment with support from my union rep.
"Well officer, I noticed there was one of those annoying small flies buzzing around the nice ladies' head. I reached out to try and catch it when she suddenly went crazy and headbutted my hand repeatedly. I was totally shocked and now my hand really hurts! She assaulted me officer!"
If I go in announcing that the Police have come up with CCTV evidence that not only identifies the culprit, but their registration number, I should see a reaction. If she's innocent or guilty, I'll know.
Union say mediation. What else can they do? I'll really only use them if I think it's going to be a case of constructive dismissal. I'm going to work tomorrow. I think I have a plan to call her out.
What are you going to do? Work or stay home? What does your union say about all this?
Apparently, it made her feel ill for the rest of the day. Shame. Not ill enough to be unproductive with her use of keys, though.
He should phone the police about the assault on his hand :-D
I look back on her sympathetic attitude towards me when I started - I remember her saying to me one say 'I expect you've endured a lot of bullying' and when I said 'Yes' she said 'Bless you' - and think it was all part of the game: feeling me out, seeing where I was vulnerable if the opportunity arose and she decided to use it. She would be passive-aggressive online, then as nice as pie at work - as if nothing had happened. And then she chose her moment. I know she's not well liked. But because she's clever, no one's ever been able to pin anything on her.
My one consolation... and I feel really awful about the schadenfreude, but... yesterday, one of the service users had a meltdown and punched her in the head. Maybe he was channeling me and was on my side.