Published on 12, July, 2020
That's all it can be. Since the meltdown at work on Tuesday, things have gone from bad to worse. My manager has promised that I won't have to work around the two attack-dog colleagues for as long as necessary, and has arranged for me to see someone from the behavioural team once a fortnight. But I've lost over 3 lbs in weight, can't eat and can't sleep. My blood pressure has always been 'normal'. Now it's on the borderline between hypertension Stage 1 and Stage 2. My heart is pounding so hard that it's keeping me awake. My head is killing me. At work today, I was on edge the whole time. Just catching a glimpse of one of the culprits sent me running to hide. The last time I was like this was 20 years ago, when I was bullied badly at work and ended up being so sick that I wouldn't go out for weeks - and every time I saw a red car (the colour of the bully's car) I'd duck into shop doorways until it had passed.
It's like PTSD. I can't live like this.
First day back at work yesterday wasn't as bad as I'd expected, but I was still on tenterhooks all day. I had some valium, which helped. In the morning I was quite isolated, which was good. In the afternoon, though, I was back working around the others. One of the people involved in the incident last week seems to be okay with me and is going on as if nothing has happened. The other, though, is still giving off hostile vibes. Every time I walk past her or accidentally bump into her, I feel very jumpy. Like when you see someone you really dislike and it puts you on instant alert.
I got home last night feeling completely shattered. I went to bed early and slept for 8 hours solid, which I haven't done for ages. Woke up this morning, though, feeling unrefreshed and washed out - like in the aftermath of a bad cold. I'll see how things are looking when I go in today. I don't want anyone too challenging today to work with.
Running on close to empty, I feel. This whole thing has really taken it out of me.
It's a tough situation to be in Tom. Try and do everything you can to look after yourself - breaks, refreshments, positive self-talk - whatever coping strategies work best for you.
Well, I got in and popped a valium just to walk up to the building. First person I saw, waiting outside, was the hostile woman. She was engaged with her phone, though, and I don't think she saw me. I went around the side and let myself in at the back door, which leads to a different part of the building. There, I met another colleague - much more sympathetic, and quite critical of the way the place is run - and the first thing she said to me was 'Are you alright? You don't look at all well.' That was all I needed. I sat down on a sofa and almost cried. I told her a few things, and she said maybe I should ask to just spend the whole day with our least challenging client. At least I'd be alone with just him, and he's easy to look after. But I didn't even think I could face that. I said I was going to go sick. As I left, she said 'You can always call me if you want to chat. I'll keep things in confidence.' I know she will, too. But I didn't want to talk to anyone. I went into the main building, where the senior was putting up the allocations for the day. I could see it wasn't a bad day for me. But I knew I still wouldn't be able to handle the stresses. I said to her that I don't feel good and I'm going home. She was fine with that - she knows the score - and told me to just keep in touch.
It was such a relief to walk away from that building and come home. I shut the door behind me when I got here. I don't feel like opening it again. I shall probably go to bed later, but I rang my GP and she's going to ring me with a telephone consultation at 11.30. I don't really know what to say to her, except I don't want to go back to work. At the same time, I don't want to lose this job.
I just feel so relieved to be at home now. I wore my mask yesterday, but it was slipping. Today, I left it at home.
I would say you need to consider whether you're likely to "heal" whilst trying to carry on doing what you're doing, or whether you need a break in order to recharge and get some perspective and some defences back in place.
It doesn't sound like you're likely to recover without a break but you're probably the only one that can make that determination.
Yeah but you need to - If you want to go to work, you need time to recover and to get yourself back into a fit state to do it. With all the stress this has put you under, surely a bit of time out is a good idea, if only to galvanise yourself for the inevitable interactions with the attack dog when you return.