Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I’m a 20 year old with Aspergers and am currently at university, however at the moment I am feeling incredibly down and depressed. This is because all through my life I have struggled a lot with making friends and the friends I did have either just walk away from me or don’t get me. This year at Uni, I found myself three guy friends (I met up with them yesterday) who I think are genuine, however because I have lost so many friends I am worried that I have lost them to due to some of what happened yesterday.
One of my friends hasn’t replied to my text which was about whether he knows any good resources on bees as he’s a beekeeper, and when someone doesn’t reply to my text it makes me think that they are cross with me or no longer consider me a friend of theirs anymore.
I put on this group chat we have a text saying that as I will be graduating at the end of next year, I was wondering whether it would be alright if we did something together as a group to celebrate it such as going to a botanic garden either in the UK or abroad. I had a reply from one friend saying see how it goes and the other two didn’t reply. I am worried that they will think I’m weird because of how I put that up there even though it is just an idea. I did say on the text that I’m aware it’s a way away yet, but I was trying to take their side into account as they are all in jobs.
These are the same three friends who midway through my uni year each said a compliment to me out of nowhere. The compliments were pleasure to know you, the fact you do what you do with AS everyday means to us three that your an exceptional individual, and as far as we are concerned having you in our group and as a friend makes being at uni a lot better.
I am struggling to know whether they are true friends or have I lost all of them as friends because of what happened yesterday. I can overthink things but am worried about this and am feeling down inside and depressed and am starting to give up on my friendships with them because I’m not sure that they consider me a friend. Also does it mean where the friend of mine said that having you in our group and as a friend makes being at uni a lot better, does it mean I’m not a friend of theirs out of uni? Any help would be appreciated as I’m getting very worried about these friendships and need to try and put my mind at ease.
You seem to be doing very well, I know some people tend to ghost as a way to snub, but maybe here you need to give the benefit of the doubt.
By my last year at uni I was in quite a state. I had been reading a lot of modern esoteric gobbledygook and started to get very hung up about what was the mystic true self, along with the fear that other aspects of my self might really be false and would have to become obliterated in order to grow into a 'true' self that was nevertheless unpleasant to other people. I had lost most of my friends by this stage, one I had confided in had attacked me using this in quite cruel ways, others had started to shower contempt in other ways on me. I had got sick of being hit on by creepy males who thought they could get me into bed because I seemed so isolated and lonely. One well-meaning friend had told me I appeared to have 'difficulty relating' and had lectured me to be more conventional in dress and not to wear a hat. And to look at people when conversing with them. By the last year I could hardly sleep at all and lost a lot of weight and had constant gut for, not realising yet that glutens might be a problem. I felt such a failure. There was no knowledge of spectrum things at the time though probably at the time I would not have been happy about being labelled that way.
I do wonder whether having this diagnosis does in fact arm you against the enemy more, or whether any advantages would be offset by having g to deal with condescension or stigma. At school I certainly felt stigmatised as a crazy one.
Thank you very much. It’s good to hear that you think I’m doing well. I’m sorry to hear about your experiences at uni. My first year was a bit like that too.
I’m not sure having the diagnosis does help in certain ways because whilst it helped to explain why I think like I do, it usually results in people who I think are my friends walking away from me even though I just can’t see what I’ve done wrong.
This adolescence thing seems to extend more and more into adulthood. I work with people in their 30s and 40s who are essentially 'kidults' in the way they behave with one another. The petty sniping, the jostling for positions in the 'gang', etc. Very childish. I may be emotionally immature in many ways, but not that way.
Huh. I think too many undergrads are still not much removed from school children, these insults are the kind of thing insecure adolescents might say because they are so worried about fitting into the chimpanzee dominance thing themselves.
Yes, true. I’ve just had many friends who when they hear/find out from someone else that I have Aspergers they walk away from me. Whilst these people haven’t “walked away” from me as such, one of them doesn’t talk to me as much as he does the other two (they do all live in the same area) but because of my Aspergers I can’t work out whether it’s a reflection on me and him sending a non verbal signal to me which says “I prefer the other two and don’t like you” or just that because we are in different areas that it’s easier for him to talk to them. I’m not sure whether it’s personal and a reflection on me or not. I struggle with reading non verbal signals sometimes and quite often end up reading them the wrong way. Throughout my life, and even at uni, where my parents said most people are more understanding and that I’d meet my friends for life there, most people have been so judgemental towards me and have called me weird or a loser which has led to me losing confidence
You mean friends you thought understood you because they knew of your diagnosis?
I would hope a true friend would be a little less superficial or two-faced and perhaps these two were. I was also going to say the friend you did not respond to your text about beeping may simply have had a doh moment and not known how to respond to your message.