Published on 12, July, 2020
'Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilise the target and delegitimise the target's belief.'
As Aspies, I'm sure we're particularly prone to this. I know I am. My experience, too - with a sister-in-law who's a consummate narcissist - has caused me much grief and upset over the last 30 years. These were years when I not only didn't know that I was autistic, but I also didn't really know what her motivations were. I've found out so much more about it all since my diagnosis, and through having someone else who knows her tell me that she isn't just like it with me. For most of those years, I simply thought there was something wrong with me - and she was the one who, more than most, was at pains to keep reminding me. The damage this woman has done - not just to me, but to other members of my close family - is profound. Much of it is irreparable. But at least now I no longer have any reason to have any contact with her - notwithstanding the fact that she's married to my brother. I'm well rid of her. She's controlled and manipulated our family for far too long. My brother is her puppet. And so competent a puppeteer is she that he doesn't even realise he has strings! He's well and truly Stockholmed!
For years, I've been told I'm gullible, susceptible, credulous, naive, etc. I've had my leg pulled time after time, and been the butt-end of jokes. I've been taken for a ride, scammed, made to look ridiculous. But I take people at face value. If they tell me something, I tend to believe them. Why wouldn't I? Why would they lie to me? But people have, and do. It's why I detest gossip and won't have any part of it, because all it really is is manipulation and destabilisation, perpetuated by a group. Victimising the vulnerable. And it gives people a sense of 'belonging' to be onside in the gossip. If you're not happy with the way someone's behaving or performing - tell them! But no. Gossip is easier... and it's more fun. Huh!
Anyone else got any 'gaslight' tales to share?
Well, I spoke to my manager and the behaviour manager yesterday and they're both much clearer on what caused my panic attack last week - leading to more sick leave. My manager has said she will certainly ensure that I don't have to work in proximity to this woman again, and that I can speak up any time if I'm not happy about anything. So, that's good.
Yesterday, too, I got notification of an interview for the PMLD job at the local FE college. That's on Monday next - two days before my sick note expires. If I get offered it this time, I'm going to take it - longer days or not. I'll never feel entirely comfortable in my current place any more, and I don't see missing another good opportunity again.
The question now is.... Do I just continue getting sick notes and staying off until they get rid of me, and keep applying for other jobs in the meantime? Or do I go back next week and carry on? It'll be a short week, anyway - as will the one after, and the one after that. I don't like being 'sick' when I feel capable of doing my job. Just as long as they stick to their word. They're also offering Occupational Health visits, which could help.
I think I may just email my manager today saying I'll return as normal. I know I said at the weekend that I'd made the decision not to go back and claim UC, but I think I'll be in a stronger position to search for other work and take something else if I'm actually back at work. I know employers aren't supposed to discriminate, but if they ask why you left your last job and you say 'health grounds', I don't think it goes down too well. Better to be 'in work' at the time. I think that's probably the best way forwards.