Published on 12, July, 2020
Ok I know shutdowns are not great at any time, but yesterday I had one that was particularly embarrassing.
My workload has increased lately and I have been aware my stress levels were rising. It was only after yesterday that I realised this has been building for a while.
I had to be part of a day long meeting consisting of numerous presentations and I had to present as well. I thought there would be 10 people in the room maximum, but this was closer to 30 when I walked in, which I wasn't prepared for. We also started to run behind schedule so there was no real breaks and a working lunch. My breaks and lunch are normally when I focus on resting and keeping myself fueled so this also impacted. The day was also full of masses of information from different people that I was struggling to keep up with/take in. Finally, when I had to present I was ok for the first two thirds of the presentation, then I started to feel unwell. Due to my concentration on the presentation, I hadn't realised a shutdown was creeping up on me. What resulted was me stuttering and stumbling over my words, speaking sentences backwards and generally not making sense. I stopped the presentation to say I needed a drink of water as I was feeling faint. I then tried to carry on, but my hearing went very fuzzy, I could no longer read what I was presenting and finally my vision went to which point I panicked and ran out. I was found by the first aider in a slumped heap outside the building. To make things worse I was non-verbal for 5 minutes, so then people didn't know if I was being hypoglycemic or whether I was having a stroke!
I just wanted some quite in a dark room, but couldn't say that. I finally managed to say I needed some water and something sweet - I find this helps with brain function and getting things kick-started quicker. Finally I was taken to the first aid room to rest, but the lights were awful and the smell of disinfectant was overwhelming. I spent the evening feel terrible at home like I was trying to function whilst wearing a lead suit. My head was banging and I felt incredibly anxious.
Whether this is just the anxiety affecting my judgement, I am not sure, but I am now worrying how people at work will judge me. The only person who knows about my ASD is my boss and he kind of put two and two together. It's my colleagues I worry about as it is a dog eat dog type of place at times, where I woiuldn't want my weaknesses to be made public.
I'm not sure what to do now as work is obviously impacting on me, so need to speak to my boss, but worry they will start to think I am not up to the job anymore.
Hello Starbuck Poor thing Awful timing as you said.and you wrote this this morning so clearly a nights rest didn’t quell your thoughts. The increase in workload is one thing, the events of the “ conference” another and maybe the increase in workload was due to the conference? The events of the conference and how they backed up and didn’t give you breathing space was awful but it was one day and it’s done. I hope you boss will be considerate and understanding and you know that if you had had proper breaks you would have managed your own presentation. As for your general increase in workload then maybe if it is prolonged you do need to work some adjustments out with your boss. If you feel vulnerable about general disclosure to your colleagues then not point putting yourself in the firing line unless the work load and pressure becomes too much in which case it might help.. you can never tell what people’s reactions are either positive negative or neutral. If you put too much pressure on yourself not to do something about it your health could suffer and more shutdowns in which case if adjustments could be made it would be best all round. Presumably they don’t want to lose or have to replace you and your skills and if they are on your side they can help to alleviate situations like the conference. But I agree it’s a guessing game as to what would happen so you can’t tell if you would be better or worse off. Maybe your boss will guide you. Hope you feel better as the day goes on.