I have wondered for a long time now whether I might be autistic. I meet many of the "criteria" to be diagnosed with autism. However, the thing that always leads me to conclude that I cannot be autistic is the emphasis everything I read about autism places on autistic people's struggles with understanding facial expressions, social interactions and in expressing and understanding emotions.
I have always found it extremely easy to read people's emotions and the subtext of social situations. I will immediately pick up on the atmosphere between people or in a conversation and have no trouble in empathising with people. I have also always been able to portray subtle shifts in emotion in my own facial expressions to express exactly the emotion I wish other people to believe I am feeling (whether or not I actually am), or conversely to hide how I'm really feeling. Of course the latter is "mimicking" and I have wondered recently whether in fact this is evidence that I am autistic; I have presumably learnt appropriate facial expressions by observing others and employ them to convey a suitable emotion at a particular time.
Despite this, I often find social situations tiring. I will fake having a good time or make small talk and it can be boring putting on this "show". That isn't to say I do this in all social situations, but I often do it when I'm meeting new people or am with people I don't particularly like. I'm a lawyer and my job is very social; I can sometimes meet many new clients a day and almost always be able to chat to them easily, but I feel as if I am "on" when I do it and am performing. However, I always figured this is how everyone feels? I can find social situations awkward. In conversations I can sometimes struggle to know what to say in response to keep a conversation going and my replies can sound awkward and forced. I guess making small talk always seems like an act.
The best way I can describe it is like acting in a play and giving a word perfect performance until suddenly somebody says a line and you know it's your cue but you've suddenly developed stage fright and no matter how hard you try you can't remember your next line.
Are there any autistic people out there who don't struggle with reading emotions etc.?
Kate
