Really Struggling with life - Work

Hi,

Have had a really terrible day at work, to give you some background, have been here nearly 8 years. Got on so well with the team then and we work very well togethor and have been happy with that. About 1 and half years ago a new member joins the team, he has been so difficult to deal with. Most meetings, I put ideas forward and he has just continually rubbished them, with no regard for my feelings (Yes, I think he too has aspergers). Personally, I just don't like him; he is just so forward with his comments, ever since he has joined work has become much more pressureful.

One example, called in for a meeting for estimates, one area my expertese. I give my estimates. He just says ohh thats way too long, just assign them to me and another colleague, well be able to get through them in a day or two. He was assigned all of the tasks, and it took him 3-4 weeks. Would have taken me about a week.

There is a big changed planned for infrastructure of our web sites. I have some experience of this, so put my ideas and design forward with Manager, who is very technically competent. He said, oh yeah that's great and pretty much the direction he felt we needed to go. This other member put forward his ideas, and manager confirmed what I was feeling in that it probably wouldn't work that well.

The team leader stood down earlier this year, wants to do more development. I always got on well with him, and we work fantastically well together (I expect he has Asperger traits at least, very similar though processes to my own). So team leader role comes up, and I knew this new guy will probably put himself forward. So I put myself forward as that would be a nightmare, and while I don't want all the extra pressure, on balance it was the direction I felt would give me control, and confidence. It is a role I have mostly had in my many years in IT industry.

Shocked they have offered the position to this member, and working alongside him has been very difficult, so I have serious concerns working under his management. He's fairly young, so I don't think he has much experience. Always put himself as socialable guy and laughing and joking around. Its just the way he just keeps trampling over me with no consideration.

Have tollerated it working as his equal, but I don't want to tollerate that kind of treatment working under his management. He is a workaholic too, has been doing work it to evening hours to keep on track. I know he has been talking to other members about my productivity, but I just keep hitting problems, picking up the pieces of all the work that has been rushed by others.

I am shocked he has been given the position.

I am also furious of how work have handled the process. I get email calender invite, just titled "Team Leader Discussion" this is straight after just over a week break, and I had an appointment at hospital in the morning that was very emotionally draining. I haven't made everyone at work aware of my aspergers, but managers dealing with this I have had long discussions. I turn up to discussion, expecting it to be with my line manager to discuss process, and ask a few initial informal questions, but it turned out to be with a senior director and in the form of an formal interview. I just was not prepared, and this other chap can bullshit like anything (the same manager commenting about him before about how he makes these complete U turns in the same scentence).

I was going to send a follow up email, but didn't send it, as I got most of main points across, but fluffed up a few questions. Have also been on changes with my medication.

This morning this chap has a general discussion about speakers which I am interested in and in the middle, says just to let you know that I know who the other candidate is for team leader. So I should have not confirmed it, but was just lead in to the thing as he says do you know when they are announcing it they have said nothing to me. 

Now puts me in an awkward situation with him being aware I put myself forward. 

Here nothing and get on with my work. Then get an email sent by my line manager sitting in a quiet open plan office, about 3 desks away, saying that I didn't get the position.

So angry at how that was dealt with, so am really worried about having to work with this manager. He has had a very negative influence on the team already, so I feel it is a disaster waiting to happen.

I just in a really bad place at the moment. Got very close, to simply just walking out and not returning. I sent a few brief emails just pointing out my anger of how this has been dealt with. Also have emailed HR to make them aware of situation. This chap said he worked out I was other candidate from what was said to him. My line manager has said, he guessed, but your response confirmed. Either way I don't think is acceptable; and I really question motives of the new team leader as to why he has done this.

Having a bad time with Landlord, had hoped to get moving before Christmas, but my social worker has been overwhelmed. Makes that meeting more awkward, as I want maintenance problems sorted before rent is increased (1st January). Which is what we agreed last time rent was increased.

Just feeling really low, bad timing with everything shutting down for Christmas, so is 2 weeks before I see my psychologist again.

I just hate life and how I seem to be on the wrong side when things happen. My user name is random, because I accept things will go right and other things go wrong, but for that to be randomly. It doesn't seem to be like that for me.

I tell my psychologist, I have these bad days and occaisionally good days. If something starts to go bad, I can expect the rest of the day to follow suit. He said that sucks me in to the depression, but I have been trying to challenge that thinking, but Today along with other days recently it seems to follow what I feel

Random

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    I've been away from the site too. New job, in a different business area, to get to grips with. Having a boss and a firm that can work one's grain is a good thing and I think I have found something 1000X better than my last two jobs. Keeping up with tech is important - my new job is using newer tech than previous so I'm managing to cling on to the relevant skills. I'm also seeing my contemporaries start to pack in work due to health issues or retirement.

    There is a Zen attitude that is good to achieve at work. If you can raise yourself to a point of detachment to stop yourself getting worked up about the things that you can't control then life gets easier. I am learning to bite my lip more and more as I have begun to appreciate my own limitations and those of others. The capacity of humans to *** things up is truly extraordinary! To learn to accept this unavoidable fact of life is undoubtedely a good thing.

  • Hi Sox,

    Good to hear from you, I have been off this forum in recent months due to pressures in my life. I have started many replies in other threads, but have had to abandon most of those has just been so exhausting.

    I have told my employer when he started as a colleague that he was "treading on my toes", I think I used that expression literally. I am not sure he will fail, as in our team our old team leader is exceptionally talented, I hate boasting so feel uncomfortable expressing this, but I feel I am too. We both have similar mindsets, in past we have done what's called "pair programming"; With us both working together this goes to another level, I don't think our company realises what they have. There are two development teams, (database and web site) and in that team, they have another exceptional individual.

    I think that is a good tactic you mention. I sent some emails yesterday, venting my anger. I hope that I have been restrained enough. To HR I have mentioned that he continually rubbishes ideas I put forward, and I have tollerated that as an equal working with him, but don't want to be treated like that as my manager.

    "We" won an award at work earlier this year for "Innovation", but that was for a project I lead and did 99% of the work for. Ironically this member was included in the "Team", but only did a few weeks at the end, I had been on it for nearly two years.

    Working on a different team is an option, the problem is the team they would want me to work on is using old technology, and seriously weakens your prospects to move on to other jobs. Not sure if they can create another role for me.

    The leader that has stepped down has been feeling stressed recently, I feel that is largely down to the bad influence of this new member. "Work hard, play hard" was his motto, 

    I had long discussion with my employer about aspergers, but don't feel support we discuss and only put in place a little bit.

    Random

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Hi random,

    Some of my hardest challenges have arisen from dealing with other people with Aspergers. Most of this experience came before I got diagnosed and had any understanding. The main advice here is to let him fail - do the bare minimum - work to rule as far as you can.

    You could ask to be transferred away from him if thats at all possible but otherwise tell the manager that you are really struggling with dealing with him and that you are just trying to get on and do your work as well as you can. A reasonable adjustment might be that you have your work arranged so that you don't tread on each others toes.

    Another approach might be to use your understanding of autism to figure out how to handle him better. There are people I work with now who are excessively averse to taking any risks and I just accept that and let time take course. Things don't get fixed quickly but if you are not in a work crisis then it often doesn't matter even if the gap between what could be achieved and what actually gets done can be accepted.

    Time fixes a lot of stuff if you can bear to put up with the consequences in the mean time.

    Sox