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Advice for Long Distance Relationship NT-ASD

ckillean

Hi everyone. I am an NT partner who has just moved about 20 hours away from my two-year ASD (suspected) boyfriend. He seems to be doing fine with the separation, but I miss him all the time. It's a temporary move; I am doing a two-year masters program, and he's still finishing up school at home. I am just a very enthusiastic person about a lot of things, so I love to write him, call occasionally, and look forward to seeing him. I always put a lot of effort into gifts and surprises. I know that he is not like me. He has never thought to call or write, and he forgot my birthday this week, and I know he will forget our anniversary next week. It makes sense; he forgets his own birthday if no one reminds him. Usually I text him when his friends have special occasions so he will text them to be supportive. I know that it's unreasonable to wish he would put in similar efforts to mine, but it still really hurts to feel like he does not care because of traits that I know aren't his fault. Does anyone have any insights or stories about situations like these? I am just feeling like he does not miss me because of our different ways of caring, which is really hard. 

  • That's great!  I'm glad you all are getting along well!!!

  • Thank you! I've been trying to find good support communities but was struggling to find anything really specific like this! And thanks for sharing about your own boyfriend. I felt a lot of similarities reading your story. I think the thing I struggle with a lot is that my boyfriend (I'll call him R) really hates any sort of phone or text communication. He texts me because I've explained that it's important to me, but he will only talk on the phone once every few weeks, and we never facetime or skype. Being far away, it is hard not to see the lack of direct communication as a lack of interest. I was getting so upset about it, and was sure he was going to break up with me when I went home to visit, but our visit was actually wonderful, and we were both just really happy to see each other again. Got to remember that communication just isn't what he does best. 

  • It's good to know that there are other NT people who have concerns about dating their AS partners.   I love my boyfriend,  K, to death,  but as soon as one of us takes something for granted about the way the other communicates, we have fights that are laughable in hindsight. 

    At least with K, I need to tell him very very clearly what I want and why. He generally thinks that it's illogical, and can't bring himself to do it until I explain why it seems logical to an NT person.   And even then, he might not agree that it makes any sense, and if he does it, it's only to make me happy. Ex: Insisting that we celebrate Thanksgiving,  because traditions are important to NT people and help us mark the passage of time. He didn't get that,and eventually only came to dinner because he had promised he would. 

    And that's ok. I actually admire his practicality. Honestly, we didn't even celebrate our anniversary because, as he pointed out, why would you celebrate a day in an ongoing relationship?  I can't argue with that, and it's really sweet when you think about it.

    I've never done the long distance thing with K. Honestly, whenever I mention studying abroad, it's a toss-up as to whether he'll come with me, or whether he won't be here when I come back.  Stability is definitely a problem in our relationship, because K feels like I'm abandoning him even if I go away for a weekend.  But if we've explained it and agreed, it's much less of a problem. I'm glad that you've already passed that hurdle, and I would love to know how you did it as a couple! 

    Anyways, with K, at least,  he doesn't like just talking to me. He had to be focused on something, like his online game while we're talking or texting. It seems like this is the opposite of what a lot of the people on this forum have described, but maybe it's just that he doesn't value chit-chat as much as I do, so he has to do that to stay engaged? I think it also has to do with eye contact, but he can't explain it. So,maybe that will help with scheduling contact for you?

     When I'm away, I text him, but be doesn't reply unless I asked him a question. He doesn't really care about the details of what I'm doing, either, but he still misses me.  Maybe there's some kind of online activity you can do that he likes doing with you? We play D&D with our friend online sometimes.  We can't play video games, though, because he gets upset with me when I make us lose. 

    Idk if that helps.  This site is a godsend for me, just being able to read and relate to other people's experience and know that K and I aren't alone and we aren't weird. Even just the anecdotes make everything make more sense and help us to appreciate each other! 

    Thanks, rosieribbons - your response has given me a lot of insight into my relationship. Both of us work from home, and I think that we could benefit from more time apart for a lot of the benefits you described. 

  • Thank you, this actually made me feel a lot better. Maybe I need to do as you've done and see if he'd rather talk less. It would be hard for me, but I know he hates texting, and I often feel as if I'm bothering him. I did talk to him about dates and occasions being important to me, and that went well. I think I just need to readjust my ways of thinking a bit. Thanks again for your insight. I have trouble understanding his way of thinking, so your thoughts are really valuable.