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Prisoner of oneself.

Sir_Dood

I don't know if this is the correct place to post this, just seemed appropriate as im in my late 20's (not entirely sure of my age to be fair, stopped counting quite some time ago). To the point however, I am not going to ask the stupid question of "Am I alone when I say/feel this" because I know that is not the case; But, perhaps others who have been through what I am going through could give advice, or simply share their experience.

  I have learned that having Aspergers Syndrome (at least for me) comes hand in hand with crippling depression, self-doubt/loathing and a powerful need to detach oneself from everyone, be it family, friends, whatever. I've no shame in admitting I've pondered the idea of just killing myself and getting it over with on several occasions, but still I'm dodging the point.

  I am in a long distance relationship, and have been for about a year, and I feel like it's about to come to an end. My world is crumbling to dust around me and I feel like it's all my fault, yet at the same time, I know it isn't - the relationship has not ended, and the girl in question keeps re-assuring me that it isn't - but I can't shake this feeling, it's like a low-day of depression, but amplified tenfold.
 She complained I was too enclosed, I wouldn;t express myself to her enough - so i put a great deal of effort into doing that, and was being more open, and now she complains that she feels like im being obsessed with her, when I'm not, and I've tried to explain this to her several times before, that I am way out of my comfort zone. We plan on meeting in person in the next few months, but since this happened (among other things that I'm not going to discuss) I feel nothing but this soul crushing sadness and anger. My brain is constantly switched on, replaying horrible things in my head, and horrible past experiences. I've never asked for help before until recently - I asked her for help and she didn't seem to care. So here I am, is there anything I can do to deal with this? I'm at the end of my rope, and I can't endure this much longer, i constantly feel alone, even when people are around me.

  • I know exactly what you mean - if you need someone to talk to though, there's plenty of people here, many of which (myself included) know what you're going through. If you aren't comfortable talking openly about stuff though, can always talk privately.

  • I think you should to follow illneverbeold's advice Sir Dood and try to distract yourself by doing something that absorbs you. People who are on the spectrum are very good at worrying so anything you can do to divert your attention, even for a little while, could be helpful. By constantly focussing on your worries you just magnify them which causes even more worry. You have to find a way of breaking this vicious circle.

  • I just cant find a way to deal with it - nothing i try is working. I tell my head to just shut up and i try to stop overthinking things - but my brain is always working, i cannot stop thinking about anything.

      I feel like im being paranoid, but at the same time, with past experience at my disposal, i know that in a relationship if you suspect something is wrong, it's because there is something wrong; rarely has that "intuition" ever been incorrect - but with that ALSO dwelling in my thoughts constantly, i cant help but feel at this point that my head is just fabricating things. Yet at the same time i don't want to ignore it, or more specifically, I can't ignore it.

     I'm tearing myself apart - and so is she. Despite how much support i give her thorugh everything, and she knows she can talk to me about anything and that i'll help her to deal with anything. She told me i can do the same with her - but it currently feels like she just said it as a vestigial phrase. It looks good on the outside, but it's empty.

  • I can tell you that in my younger years, the depression was rampant. Sometimes writing everything down and then burning it helped. There were a few times were so bad that little voice you speak of, sounded so right at the time. I call it the dark place. I was so sure that voice in my head was telling me the truth. I know, it sounds insane, but I'm just trying to give you how I went through it. It didn't feel insane at the time. Anyhow, I reached a darkness so bad I literally almost didn't come back. When I got back home from the hospital a week and a half later I promised myself I'd never, ever go back to that dark place. When I feel the blues starting to set in, I go into work mode. I'll force myself to get up and keep going, eventually I shake it, but it took a long time to get my system.

  • yeah, she knows everything about me, i feel like some of the problem is on my side of things also - in that that little voice in my head will not shut up, and can be quite convincing at times. Thanks all, for your replies so far, wasn't expecting any to be honest.

  • Does she know you're on the spectrum?

    If not, then the question is: is it fair to her or, indeed, you that she doesn't know? At least if she is aware of your situation she would be in a better position to understand your behaviour. If you two are going to meet some time in the future I think it's only fair that she has an idea of what to expect otherwise she could feel you were trying to conceal things from her and resent it.

    Depending on the type of person she is, she might want to be supportive of you and your problems and reasure you about your relationship. Given that you have both formed a liking for one another, being honest about yourself shouldn't present that much of a problem.

  • Hi,

    Not sure what to advise, but can relate to a lot of what you have said. Long distance relationships are difficult; your experience reminds me of a relationship I had and just felt something was wrong. I asked her if everything was ok with us repeatedly, and she said it was. I know now there was something wrong but she would not communicate it, for whatever reason. In a long distance relationship, things like this are compounded.

    I guess maybe writing a letter to her might help, I think the only thing you can do is try and keep communication going as best as you can

    In another relationship I had, she felt there was something troubling me and I was not telling her. I did open up to her and explained problems with anxiety and depression. She just dismissed them, as her mother had similar experience and it was just a short transitionary thing

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