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What I've learned

Lotus

When I found out a few months ago that I was almost certainly on the Autistic spectrum, I reviewed my past and determined that I'd always "run away" (as I perceived it) from uncomfortable situations and people who made me feel worthless, or tried to make me behave how they thought I should. I felt that I'd been weak, and wanted to have counselling and learn about my "condition" so that I could be stronger and stop running away from things. 

But I've found that this was the wrong way to address things (for me anyway).

I found out that CBT, which is the recommended therapy, only consists of 6 sessions, is often carried out by therapists who don't understand autism, and primarily focuses on training people not to have negative thoughts, which it is believed lead to a cycle of low self esteem, depression and anxiety disorders. I don't have a negative self image, so I didn't see how such a short course of this type of therapy could help me. 

So I struggled on, trying to be strong but unable to break out of a cycle of illness, both mental and physical, caused by stress. I read numerous books and articles about autism, and about how to understand neuro-typical behaviour, but eventually I realised that my main problems were unbearable noise nuisance at home, and that I was no longer able to cope with working full time: to cut a long story short I've moved to a different flat and have now started working part time and I'm feeling much more positive. 

I now think that although it's useful to understand myself and others better, and have strategies to get through stressful / unexpected situations, what really helps me most is being as much in control of my life as much as possible and limiting the amount of time I spend outside of my home with other people to what is comfortable for me. 

I no longer think this is weakness. Being able to identify what makes you stressed and taking action to eliminate those things from your life can be brave. It may involve taking some risks. But I think it's worth it. 

As far as I know, we only have one life and it's fairly short. We shouldn't waste time trying to fit in with other people's ideas of what is best for us. We're individuals, for whom autism is only part of what makes us what we are.  Do what you think is right for you. 

Parents

  • Thanks for the replies - some interesting comments there.

    In my search for an insight into the differences between AS and NT people, I have often wondered how NTs really view us. The following account is an extract from the story of an NT woman married to an Aspie, on the "different together" website:

    "His sensitivities to the world around him used to be the inspiration that drove his wonderful, unconventional imagination and his "live life for the moment" attitude. Now, those very sensitivities corner him, make him aggressively self-protective, fuel his perfectionism and express themselves through anger and frustration onto the people nearest and dearest to him"

    It seems to me that the stresses and pressures of life can overwhelm us. For some it happens relatively early, preventing them from having a "normal" life, while for others it happens more gradually and only becomes obvious much later in life. 

    But it has to be borne in mind that not all NTs are the same - they all have individual personalities too. Some will exhibit "pack" behaviour, need hierarchy and shun those outside their pack.. Some cannot accept new information unless it comes from an"expert" or "leader". Some are unable to choose to buy things that are deemed unacceptable, or perceived to be status lowering by their identity group. These people are insecure and crave affirmation - unless they are deliberately cruel to you they probably deserve sympathy as they cannot help it.

    But just as we're not all "rain man" types, neither are they all "pack mentality" types. I know a guy who scored 12 on the AQ test: although he exhibits some of the "display" traits of NTs - likes to "look good" and has a charming, socially correct approach to other people - he is kind, accepting of difference, and has a strong sense of fairness and justice.

    We can't know what is going on in another person's mind. People can present different "masks" to others depending on the situation. For us, it is more difficult to determine the cause of certain behaviour in others. I've heard it suggested that in a situation where one feels intimidated (such as an interview) it may be useful to imagine the people who you feel intimidated by naked - I'm not a fan myself of imagining people's dangly bits, thank you, but any strategy to make others less scary which works for you is a good idea. I try to keep in mind that most other people get worried about stuff and feel inadequate about some things - nobody is invulnerable. Suoer-heroes only exist in fiction.

    Tom's colleagues have a desperate need to be accepted by those they sub-consciously perceive as their social group, because they can't bear the thought of being alone or "different". They don't judge others on merit or individual character, only by whether a person "fits into"  the group.

    We are free to make our own individual judgements, and to evaluate new information on its merits without needing affirmation from others. I feel that this is a precious gift. It should be valued. 

     

Reply

  • Thanks for the replies - some interesting comments there.

    In my search for an insight into the differences between AS and NT people, I have often wondered how NTs really view us. The following account is an extract from the story of an NT woman married to an Aspie, on the "different together" website:

    "His sensitivities to the world around him used to be the inspiration that drove his wonderful, unconventional imagination and his "live life for the moment" attitude. Now, those very sensitivities corner him, make him aggressively self-protective, fuel his perfectionism and express themselves through anger and frustration onto the people nearest and dearest to him"

    It seems to me that the stresses and pressures of life can overwhelm us. For some it happens relatively early, preventing them from having a "normal" life, while for others it happens more gradually and only becomes obvious much later in life. 

    But it has to be borne in mind that not all NTs are the same - they all have individual personalities too. Some will exhibit "pack" behaviour, need hierarchy and shun those outside their pack.. Some cannot accept new information unless it comes from an"expert" or "leader". Some are unable to choose to buy things that are deemed unacceptable, or perceived to be status lowering by their identity group. These people are insecure and crave affirmation - unless they are deliberately cruel to you they probably deserve sympathy as they cannot help it.

    But just as we're not all "rain man" types, neither are they all "pack mentality" types. I know a guy who scored 12 on the AQ test: although he exhibits some of the "display" traits of NTs - likes to "look good" and has a charming, socially correct approach to other people - he is kind, accepting of difference, and has a strong sense of fairness and justice.

    We can't know what is going on in another person's mind. People can present different "masks" to others depending on the situation. For us, it is more difficult to determine the cause of certain behaviour in others. I've heard it suggested that in a situation where one feels intimidated (such as an interview) it may be useful to imagine the people who you feel intimidated by naked - I'm not a fan myself of imagining people's dangly bits, thank you, but any strategy to make others less scary which works for you is a good idea. I try to keep in mind that most other people get worried about stuff and feel inadequate about some things - nobody is invulnerable. Suoer-heroes only exist in fiction.

    Tom's colleagues have a desperate need to be accepted by those they sub-consciously perceive as their social group, because they can't bear the thought of being alone or "different". They don't judge others on merit or individual character, only by whether a person "fits into"  the group.

    We are free to make our own individual judgements, and to evaluate new information on its merits without needing affirmation from others. I feel that this is a precious gift. It should be valued. 

     

Children
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