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Emotional Intelligence

KeyboardWorrier68

Hi, KW68 here again,

Been doing some thinking and I have been coming back to the idea of emotional intelligence, and how basically this is something that those with an ASD struggle with.

I am not sure whether the issues I used to have with my spouse being upset & my not offering her empathy is a signal of that lack of emotional intelligence, of not being able to tell what to do in such situations (other than to kind of think "I hope she'll get over it"). When she used to ask if I loved her I'd get rather flustered, point to the fact that I was with her, that I did things to care for her, were my response, but I never ever thought to just say "I love you" in response. I can't tell if it was just that I didn't love her, or just couldn't express it.

Does anyone else here have similar experiences of just wishing that emotional conversations didn't surface, of not knowing what to say or do in response?

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  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Lotus said:

    What methods have you tried using to calm yourself? 

    I read a book which recommended focusing on your senses (what you see, hear, or smell, the feel of something against your body /skin, your breathing). I didn't find that worked for me. When I started to get anxious I would force myself to acknowledge that feeling (I don't find any need to analyse what I'm feeling in any more depth than just "feeling bad" - naming an emotion doesn't change it). Then I would reason with myself (in my head, not out loud!). I would imagine I was someone else telling my Aspie self that the emotion was transient - the situation would end - and then imagine myself safe at home, relaxing with my partner. I wouldn't try to force myself to be calm, just try to remember what it feels like, and I found that my brain quite quickly went into a calmer state. 

    Hope you eventually find something that works for you. 

    Ritalin worked somewhat!  Which isn't entirely facetious, though I didn't like it much as it was a constant roller-coaster and I was always just waiting for the noise and agitation to come back.

    About the only thing which clears my mind is when I can hyper-focus on something: occasionally, when I have the energy, I'll work on some programming or other technical project of my own devising although it's often quite exhausting which brings its own interesting collection of problems.  If not that then losing myself in a computer game, if I'm in the mood: I don't like going outside, so it's sometimes nice to explore a virtual world somewhere.  Except for goblins and things trying to disembowel the virtual me, that's always quite annoying.

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  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Lotus said:

    What methods have you tried using to calm yourself? 

    I read a book which recommended focusing on your senses (what you see, hear, or smell, the feel of something against your body /skin, your breathing). I didn't find that worked for me. When I started to get anxious I would force myself to acknowledge that feeling (I don't find any need to analyse what I'm feeling in any more depth than just "feeling bad" - naming an emotion doesn't change it). Then I would reason with myself (in my head, not out loud!). I would imagine I was someone else telling my Aspie self that the emotion was transient - the situation would end - and then imagine myself safe at home, relaxing with my partner. I wouldn't try to force myself to be calm, just try to remember what it feels like, and I found that my brain quite quickly went into a calmer state. 

    Hope you eventually find something that works for you. 

    Ritalin worked somewhat!  Which isn't entirely facetious, though I didn't like it much as it was a constant roller-coaster and I was always just waiting for the noise and agitation to come back.

    About the only thing which clears my mind is when I can hyper-focus on something: occasionally, when I have the energy, I'll work on some programming or other technical project of my own devising although it's often quite exhausting which brings its own interesting collection of problems.  If not that then losing myself in a computer game, if I'm in the mood: I don't like going outside, so it's sometimes nice to explore a virtual world somewhere.  Except for goblins and things trying to disembowel the virtual me, that's always quite annoying.

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