Self harm and HFA

I do realise that picking at my kids skin is not 'self' harm.

Oh in my case, its almoast an odd kind of meadatation. a strong single data point sensory input to overwhelm the brain noise.

It hurts. Its there red and sticky as the close conpression of my toes spreads and smres it across my feet. The pain, the slight but inescapable sting as walking opens the wounds and sock sweat salts them, is indeniably real.

Which makes it a pleasing distraction from a head's worth of anxious phantasims.

I have deliberately put on excessive weight as self punishment, strange that was not seen as self harm, but cutting my arms and picking at my kids skin is.

Martian Tom said:

That's an interesting perspective. Yes, it is a coping method.  But it has taken on an edge for me that's gone a bit darker over the last year or two.  It's only when I've been drinking, too, that the very darkest thoughts come into my head.  I've acted on those thoughts in the past, too - a couple of times very seriously.  So whenever I drink, I always know there's the risk I'll go to that place again.  And one day, if the frame of mind is such, it's always possible I may not return from it.

It's Russian Roulette every time.  And I do see it much more often now as punishment rather than reward.

It may be worth keeping a note.  For a time I wondered if I was more self-destructive if I'd been drinking but it didn't take long to realise it wasn't a relevant factor.  Which may or may not be true of others: after all, it is disinhibiting, though that in itself might well suggest that there are problems that one needs to be helped with which are otherwise just being suppressed.

Edit: I forgot, an important point I wanted to make is that we live in a rather toxic blame culture and "you drink too much" is a very convenient way to offset that blame in a way that may not be helpful.

Martian Tom said:

I self-harm with drink.  It's medication - but I also use it as a way to make myself deliberately unwell.  Sometimes I also do it as an act of deliberate self-sabotage.

I'm someone who views it as a coping method: I'm reluctant to say it's a form of self-harm (unless it really is) as that's a form of blame refocussing.  Which I admit is a phrase I just made up, but hopefully it's suitably explanatory.  Sometimes people's coping methods come at a cost whatever they are.  And occasionally we deliberately do stuff that hurts us, because... well, because.  That doesn't mean that the thing in question or the usual intent is fundamentally toxic, though.

I hasten to add I'm not being argumentative or anything.  Just seeing things from my viewpoint which may not be everybody else's viewpoint.

The flippant part of me has arrived and says "hello, and everybody else is wrong.  lol.  I also want a curry."  The flippant part of me is an idiot, but I agree with her about the curry.

Not to the extent of eve needing medical help.

But when I am stressed I will pick and pull and chew at my finger and toe nails till they are bloody. My feet can be coved up so they get the worst of it, and my family never find out. Right now the only scraps of toenail I have are too short to allow me to tear at them or get a starting snip with sisors.

When I get really particularly stressed I start lattering my head as hard as I can with the heels of my hands.

So yeah, you're not alone.

I'm not sure if I'm HFA or not.  I'm at the rather dysfunctional end of HFA, I suppose.  Er anyway, yes, I have a bit of a history of, er, stuff.  Nothing particularly severe although a small number of trips to A&E or a handy healthcare professional have been required.  I'm not sure I have any especially useful insights other than "yeah, me too, so you're not alone."