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Is This Typical Under Stress?

KeyboardWorrier68

Hi,

I still unsure about whether I may have some from of ASD, but wanted to ask a specific question as a clue to understanding myself a bit more.

When my wife and I were in discussion of things which I found stressful I know I would somtimes find myself thinking of a word, usually one that was 'inspired' by something in the conversation, and would be mentally rearranging the letters to make new words, etc instead of concentrating on the conversation. It doesn't strike me as a normal thing to do, and it may explain why my wife has subsequently said about large chunks or even entire conversations of which I have little or no recollection. 

Is this anything that anyone has encountered? Is it a clue to me having some autistic traits?

Parents

  • Martian Tom said:

    [quote][/quote]

    Because people on AS have a mindset which fundamentally differs from other people there is always going to be misunderstandings between couples and I guess the only thing I can say is that the partner who is NT needs to try to be aware of what makes their other half tick and that the qualities that first attracted to them to their partner are still there but that there are other apsects present that need to be managed.

    The trouble is, if the needs of the NT partner are not being satisfied enough they may simply decide they are in the wrong relationship.

    Which is precisely what happened to me.  Even though she had BPD and understood these kinds of needs to an extent, she still struggled with my behaviours.  When we finally split - with her moving out, saying she'd had enough - I felt tremendous guilt.  Rationally, I knew that something like this is never one-sided.  But my behaviour was such, in the end, that I felt chiefly responsible.  She said she felt traumatised and abused.  I had started to drink more because of the situation, and this could lead to my being verbally abusive.  Not strong words or name-calling, but shouting a lot.  She wouldn't do any housework and hardly ever went out, and she was messy and untidy.  Much of it was my responding to that behaviour.  Still, though, I elected to take most of the blame.  She told me that was unhelpful because it didn't give us any basis for a discussion.  I then tried to explain how much of that behaviour was triggered by hers... at which point she said 'I don't want to hear how my behaviour influenced yours!'

    So, I  couldn't win!

    My experience doesn't go quite as far as this, but my wife has told me that my dismissiveness led to her feeling crushed by me. I didn't ask her how she was, when she was upset about her job (where she suffered with being very put upon) she says my response was not to look at her and think "how can I make this better?" but to essentially give the appearance of not caring. The sections of conversations we had that in my recollection have gone missing make me wonder if I did just block them out, and my misinterpretation of things that she said has been making me think, about how I didn't pick up on cues.  My psychotherapist disagreed with my assessment that I felt I was unemotional, he feels I have a lot of emotion which I suppress for some reason. 

Reply

  • Martian Tom said:

    [quote][/quote]

    Because people on AS have a mindset which fundamentally differs from other people there is always going to be misunderstandings between couples and I guess the only thing I can say is that the partner who is NT needs to try to be aware of what makes their other half tick and that the qualities that first attracted to them to their partner are still there but that there are other apsects present that need to be managed.

    The trouble is, if the needs of the NT partner are not being satisfied enough they may simply decide they are in the wrong relationship.

    Which is precisely what happened to me.  Even though she had BPD and understood these kinds of needs to an extent, she still struggled with my behaviours.  When we finally split - with her moving out, saying she'd had enough - I felt tremendous guilt.  Rationally, I knew that something like this is never one-sided.  But my behaviour was such, in the end, that I felt chiefly responsible.  She said she felt traumatised and abused.  I had started to drink more because of the situation, and this could lead to my being verbally abusive.  Not strong words or name-calling, but shouting a lot.  She wouldn't do any housework and hardly ever went out, and she was messy and untidy.  Much of it was my responding to that behaviour.  Still, though, I elected to take most of the blame.  She told me that was unhelpful because it didn't give us any basis for a discussion.  I then tried to explain how much of that behaviour was triggered by hers... at which point she said 'I don't want to hear how my behaviour influenced yours!'

    So, I  couldn't win!

    My experience doesn't go quite as far as this, but my wife has told me that my dismissiveness led to her feeling crushed by me. I didn't ask her how she was, when she was upset about her job (where she suffered with being very put upon) she says my response was not to look at her and think "how can I make this better?" but to essentially give the appearance of not caring. The sections of conversations we had that in my recollection have gone missing make me wonder if I did just block them out, and my misinterpretation of things that she said has been making me think, about how I didn't pick up on cues.  My psychotherapist disagreed with my assessment that I felt I was unemotional, he feels I have a lot of emotion which I suppress for some reason. 

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