Is This Typical Under Stress?

Martian Tom said:

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Because people on AS have a mindset which fundamentally differs from other people there is always going to be misunderstandings between couples and I guess the only thing I can say is that the partner who is NT needs to try to be aware of what makes their other half tick and that the qualities that first attracted to them to their partner are still there but that there are other apsects present that need to be managed.

The trouble is, if the needs of the NT partner are not being satisfied enough they may simply decide they are in the wrong relationship.

Which is precisely what happened to me.  Even though she had BPD and understood these kinds of needs to an extent, she still struggled with my behaviours.  When we finally split - with her moving out, saying she'd had enough - I felt tremendous guilt.  Rationally, I knew that something like this is never one-sided.  But my behaviour was such, in the end, that I felt chiefly responsible.  She said she felt traumatised and abused.  I had started to drink more because of the situation, and this could lead to my being verbally abusive.  Not strong words or name-calling, but shouting a lot.  She wouldn't do any housework and hardly ever went out, and she was messy and untidy.  Much of it was my responding to that behaviour.  Still, though, I elected to take most of the blame.  She told me that was unhelpful because it didn't give us any basis for a discussion.  I then tried to explain how much of that behaviour was triggered by hers... at which point she said 'I don't want to hear how my behaviour influenced yours!'

So, I  couldn't win!

My experience doesn't go quite as far as this, but my wife has told me that my dismissiveness led to her feeling crushed by me. I didn't ask her how she was, when she was upset about her job (where she suffered with being very put upon) she says my response was not to look at her and think "how can I make this better?" but to essentially give the appearance of not caring. The sections of conversations we had that in my recollection have gone missing make me wonder if I did just block them out, and my misinterpretation of things that she said has been making me think, about how I didn't pick up on cues.  My psychotherapist disagreed with my assessment that I felt I was unemotional, he feels I have a lot of emotion which I suppress for some reason. 

Tom, this might sound a bit callous, but it's not meant to be.

Sometimes, we have to go through these terribly traumatic episodes to grow as a person and (hopefully) be in a better position in the future to handle difficult relationships. I know that's easy to say but the fact is things that form our characters are often cruel and difficult and really, life is a learning process, and it is particulary difficult for Aspies I know, let alone NT's, but it would be nice to think that having suffered as you have suffered you are due for some real happiness in the not too distant future.

Perhaps your time is to come, Tom.

Because people on AS have a mindset which fundamentally differs from other people there is always going to be misunderstandings between couples and I guess the only thing I can say is that the partner who is NT needs to try to be aware of what makes their other half tick and that the qualities that first attracted to them to their partner are still there but that there are other apsects present that need to be managed.

The trouble is, if the needs of the NT partner are not being satisfied enough they may simply decide they are in the wrong relationship.

Yes, and my wife is right when she says that I am still responsible for those actions, and I am. The prompt for it was me getting very stressed about some stuff between my wife and I which I can see now was down to me not listening to her and responding to her emotional distress. There is one conversation which I have no recollection of whatsoever, and I don't know if this was me simply not caring or something ASD-related. Whichever it was it wasn't good. Likewise some of my behaviour (again not illegal) hasn't been good.

While it's not an excuse as such, it does go some way to explain. We're still responsible for our actions.

I've done some pretty bad things (not illegal) sometimes which I'm very ashamed of but they are behind me now. I'm very, very fortunate to be still married.

Thanks Paul,

I have no clue what the answer is, I have made some moves towards reconciling but it's true that it's more me than her that has suggested this. She wasn't that keen on doing so, partly because I had an affair but more so because prior to this she said my lack of empathy etc over so many years made her feel like I just didn't care. I'm conscious I might just be seeking an excuse for some rank bad behaviour, which is what my wife tends to think also.

ADD?

Yep, you have ASD traits. 38 is right in the ASD zone.

I also offer practical suggestions when they are not required. I wonder why she's telling me this stuff if she does not want a solution but that's NT women for you.

I'm pretty low on empathy too.

My wife on the other hand is very good at empathy but then when she tried the AQ test she got a 6. That's really, really low.

I hope you can get things sorted with your wife.

Paul

Hi Paul,

It's a bit tricky as my wife and I have separated, not solely down to this but I am trying to work out if I do have ASD traits that contributed. I did the AQ test, have done so a few times. The first time I did it I think I scored 38, I've since scored higher but am conscious that I may have been 'aware' of what answers would produce a result that corresponds with an indicator of Asperger's. I do think I have some traits, although some I've mentioned this to think differently and my wife is sufficiently upset about our split and the circumstances to not want to listen to my suggestions that this was a factor. She has described me as not showing any real emotions, but perhaps this was just her upset at not showing her empathy. I tended to offer practical suggestions rather than empathy.

Hi

That's intersting. That's not something I do but I might try it!

Normally if I'm being made to discuss something stressful with my wife I'm in danger of a meltdown.

I think you've found a coping mechanism to stop that happening but it does not help to remember what was said. Maybe you could ask your wife to write some things down.

Have you done the AQ test? What was your score?

Paul