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Hell

Beltane
over 8 years ago

I am approaching my 47th birthday, (yet another birthday alone despite having a huge family) and although no less than three experts now think I am an Aspie, after waiting for my official testing day for over three years (after many decades of self-discovery and living Hell-On-Earth everyday)  I chased up my testing to be told that I had waited too long and had to be reset, start the waiting period again. In that time I have become even more isolated from society than my norm, which was general isolation in the first place. Being a musician, I retreated into my headphones and I have stayed there for four years now. The shape of my head is actually changing because of this and no help from anyone.

 

So my question is, are there any other Aspies out there who can offer advice on coping with extreme isolation? After 10 years you kinda go numb, 15 years it becomes normal, but after 20 years of isolation now the only reason I do not kill myself is because I actually died in 1994 and had such a powerful NDE that I now believe karmically if I did kill myself I would have to start this hell all over again, so I endure, how do others endure?

 

What makes it worse is I had a very dangerous alcoholic Mother growing up, and being the eldest, I was the punch bag for her as I refused to let her hurt my sisters, so I always protected them, but at the cost of my own sanity as I was beaten, stabbed, you name it, but worst were the mind games, telling me every day I was worthless. Think “A Child Called It” and you are not far off. Now they are all safe and grown up, they ignore me completely, even though I saved them all from this monster who they visit every week, bit refuse to visit me, always claiming they are “too busy”, so I have got to the point where I wish to divorce my entire blood family, especially as I keep getting “forgotten” about when invites to family events are sent out.

 

What the hell is wrong with the “human” race? I have been treated like *** by nearly every person I have met my entire life, how do others cope with this?

Parents
  • over 8 years ago

    Thanks for your comments RSocks, yes have been doing a lot of thinking about this. I am sure my Father has aspergers, and have been wondering if it is on my Mother's side as well. His aspergers does explain some things, but I feel in my upbringing, he did have a choice for many of his actions.

    Particularly the manipulative behaviour, where he picked up on my fears and difficulties throughout my childhood and teenage years, and intentionally went out of his way to build on those. I do blame him, but for the actions he certainly was aware. I was a shy, quiet child, there was no need for him to gain any extra control.

    I would agree that I gain nothing for blaming him, but understanding what has happened will hopefully give me a better insight in to how my difficulties have evolved through my life, which I am still struggling with to this day.

    Random

Reply
  • over 8 years ago

    Thanks for your comments RSocks, yes have been doing a lot of thinking about this. I am sure my Father has aspergers, and have been wondering if it is on my Mother's side as well. His aspergers does explain some things, but I feel in my upbringing, he did have a choice for many of his actions.

    Particularly the manipulative behaviour, where he picked up on my fears and difficulties throughout my childhood and teenage years, and intentionally went out of his way to build on those. I do blame him, but for the actions he certainly was aware. I was a shy, quiet child, there was no need for him to gain any extra control.

    I would agree that I gain nothing for blaming him, but understanding what has happened will hopefully give me a better insight in to how my difficulties have evolved through my life, which I am still struggling with to this day.

    Random

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