Published on 12, July, 2020
I am approaching my 47th birthday, (yet another birthday alone despite having a huge family) and although no less than three experts now think I am an Aspie, after waiting for my official testing day for over three years (after many decades of self-discovery and living Hell-On-Earth everyday) I chased up my testing to be told that I had waited too long and had to be reset, start the waiting period again. In that time I have become even more isolated from society than my norm, which was general isolation in the first place. Being a musician, I retreated into my headphones and I have stayed there for four years now. The shape of my head is actually changing because of this and no help from anyone.
So my question is, are there any other Aspies out there who can offer advice on coping with extreme isolation? After 10 years you kinda go numb, 15 years it becomes normal, but after 20 years of isolation now the only reason I do not kill myself is because I actually died in 1994 and had such a powerful NDE that I now believe karmically if I did kill myself I would have to start this hell all over again, so I endure, how do others endure?
What makes it worse is I had a very dangerous alcoholic Mother growing up, and being the eldest, I was the punch bag for her as I refused to let her hurt my sisters, so I always protected them, but at the cost of my own sanity as I was beaten, stabbed, you name it, but worst were the mind games, telling me every day I was worthless. Think “A Child Called It” and you are not far off. Now they are all safe and grown up, they ignore me completely, even though I saved them all from this monster who they visit every week, bit refuse to visit me, always claiming they are “too busy”, so I have got to the point where I wish to divorce my entire blood family, especially as I keep getting “forgotten” about when invites to family events are sent out.
What the hell is wrong with the “human” race? I have been treated like *** by nearly every person I have met my entire life, how do others cope with this?
Hi Beltane,
There are a fair number of things I can relate very closely to your posts. I am 50 in a few months time, and am Isolated, have been for all my adult life. I also had an abusive childhood, I was diagnosed with Aspergers Last year. I have OCD too, but is not diagnosed yet.
Even some of the interests I share, I was heavily into 3d graphics in the 90s and tried to build a career from it. Electronic music too, although I just experiment, and mostly play around with the sounds. I wish I had devoted more of my life to playing music.
I don't have an interest with animals, but your posts have been one of the very few times, where I can empathise with someone else's passion with animals.
One key difference is that I have worked for most of my adult life, although I am struggling at the moment, and may have to end that. I am hoping I don't lose my job.
I guess it depends on the Job, but I don't put a huge value on it; I work in IT, and it tends to get looked down upon. Whenever people ask me what I do as a Job, I am always ashamed to mention it. I don't feel the working relationships I have are anything like a genuine friendship. They are talking to me and choosing to be social because they need my help to do something; As soon as there is any social situation, I can see people just excluding me. Some of the conversations in the office tend to be people just bitching about everyone else, purely to generate some entertainment for themselves. IT is more accepting of aspeis, because in general aspies have better ability for the wide ranging and deep analytical nature.
Anyway back to one of your original questions, how do you cope with Isolation. It is very tough, I had a hard time in my earlier adult life. In my 30s/40s I came to the realisation that not all relationships are good, relating that back to my childhood, and being on your own, can in many ways be better than being in an abusive, or just simply bad relationship which has broken down. I always feel bad for what my mother had to endure in her relationship with my father. My mother tended to get on well with people, but found out that many of those friendships were taking advantage of her kind and honset nature.
It just gives me a little peace thinking like that
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