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I'm furious

Adelheid

Over the past few years several people I know have decided to seek official diagnoses.  At Christmas a family member announced they were going for it, and this morning, another person I've known for years.  But I can't cope with it, I think I'm going to explode. 

Why?  Because I'm so angry at them.  Why are they doing this?  It hurts.  Logically I know I'm being selfish, that their actions don't adversely affect me and I must continue to smile and be supportive of them.  Believe me, that is how I will behave, that is all they will see from me.  But it doesn't stop the hurt.

They are all going against my ingrained beliefs.  You never admit you're different.  You must struggle and fight every day.  It doesn't matter what you feel, it's how you behave, what people see when they meet you, that's what counts.  If you see things another way, if you're not as fast as others, if you find situations difficult then suck it up.  You are wrong.  You must learn to adapt to life.  To cope is success.  To say there's something wrong with you is failure.  It shows you're not fighting hard enough. 

My family member asked me to read up on the autism spectrum, and now I'm angry all the time.  People are all different, some of us have to work harder not to show it.   I should know, I feel the same way.  

How do I square what I believe with what these people around me are doing.  How do I accept their decision?  How do I support them?

  • Just thought I'd add to this conversation - I've found that learning about autism /aspergers and also about neuro-typical behaviour has enabled me to understand the differences in how our minds work,  be less hard on myself and cope better. 

    You don't have to tell anyone else you're "different" but understanding yourself can really help. 

  • Thank you, Johnsb and Curious, for reading my post and not shooting me down in flames.  It means a lot, and is a lesson I should learn myself.

    I had that friend on the phone again, and I was much calmer for having vented!  It's their life, they must face their challenges whichever way is best for them.  I don't have to agree with their descisons, but I do need to support their rights.  I just hope we can spend a bit of time off that topic when we meet tomorrow night!

    Thanks again for listening.

  • "if you're not as fast as others...then suck it up.  You are wrong."

    So someone with an average running speed is "wrong" because they're not able to perform at Olympic standard? I know you don't necessarily mean physically slow, but that analogy more clearly highlights the illogic of what you're saying.

    I wonder if a part of you would actually like to say that you are different. I wonder if you yourself fear "failure".

    Being angry at others taking a positive step to improve their lives and self awareness - possibly even so they are more equipped to adapt - perhaps highlights to you how unable you feel to make changes yourself, so each time someone else says they're seeking diagnosis, you are getting more angry.

    Your response could be a strong signal to you that you need to reflect and consider making some changes. You have managed to express your feelings on this forum (glad you have found a place that has felt safe enough to express yourself), so might you consider another setting such as counselling, where people often discuss relationships, values, beliefs, self-image etc.? I think you recognise that something needs to shift, as you have posted here asking how.

    Whatever you decide, I hope you find a way to cope better with the people around you.

  • I don't see that there's anything wrong with being different. Everyone on the planet is at least slightly different to everyone else. Imagine what it would be like if we were all identical clones. It's variety and difference that makes the world interesting. There are some people who are more different than most people, but that doesn't make them bad. A lot of the discoveries and ideas that have shaped the world have come from people thought to be somewhere on the autism spectrum. The world needs difference and diversity, and if someone you know is on the spectrum, they may be able to achieve amazing things if they're given the opportunity.

    Why do people have to work hard to conform, and do things like everyone else? If energy is wasted trying to do things the way everyone else does it, their talents are being wasted. Surely it's better for them to do things in the way that works for them. It's less exhausting for them, and they are able to make a greater contribution to the world by being less stressed and more productive.

    Since discovering my problems with Executive Function, for example, I've started doing some things differently, and the difference in what I'm starting to achieve is amazing. Learning to accept I'm different, but only in some areas, changing a core belief about myself, and finding new ways to think and do things, looks as though it will resolve problems I've had all my life. Those problems have rubbed off on other people, and acting on it will affect other people too, but hopefully in positive ways. Why should I have to be unhappy all my life, just to conform to some standards that were probably made up by the rich and powerful to exert control over everyone else?

    Anger doesn't get you anywhere. It's what starts conflict, and keeps it going. It's a waste of time and energy. I've felt pretty angry about the things that haven't worked in my life, and still get angry about real and imagined situations, but it's not good for my wellbeing. Anger is destructive, difference and diversity is normal. The people you know have probably been struggling all their lives to try to conform, and are totally exhausted by it. "Coming out" may be an incredibly hard and brave thing for them to do. Maybe you need to start looking into the reasons you're angry, and take a brave step to discover who you really are too.