Newbie with lots of questions

Hi GBEM,

First of all welcome to the forum, I think you’ll find you’ve come to the right place for support and help J

I am very much like yourself in that I am a 31 year old female and I have very recently been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism (HFA). I have noticed that HFA and Aspergers are sometimes considered one and the same/very similar, however I was told that they no longer diagnose Aspergers and now call it ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) with a person’s personal diagnosis falling somewhere on this spectrum. Sorry…I digress...

Anyway, I like yourself,  have always known that there was something ‘not quite right’ with me, and my family have always echoed this sentiment. I was odd as a child, odd as a teen and I am odd as an adult, being in possession of a very unique and peculiar view of the world. I have lived with this for many years, silently thinking that I am different and that the way I see the world is very removed from other people. This has caused me considerable anxiety over the years, so much so that when I approached my GP a while back they diagnosed me with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) and tried to medicate me; I flat refused and am I glad that I did! As my GP wasn’t overly helpful I eventually decided to take the plunge and paid to see a private psychiatrist who, after a few intense face to face sessions with me, diagnosed me as having HFA with the added ability to mask my problem. This means that if you met me you would NEVER guess I have autism; I have a very successful and high pressured job with a major UK business, I have a happy and stable marriage, I have an excellent family network that I interact well with, I can drive, I can go out on my own etc etc etc…all those things that NT’s (neuro-typicals or normal people!) do so well without even giving it a second thought.

However what people don’t see is that although I have learnt to mask my symptoms in my day to day life I have a crushing inability to make and retain friends, preferring to be alone than in the company of others (in fact outside my family I have maybe only 1 friend that I haven’t even seen for over 18 months!) I lack empathy and find it completely impossible to read people’s emotions or to empathize with how others may be feeling. I am a very literal thinker and am genuinely baffled when people make jokes, are sarcastic or say things that are ambiguous. I am obsessive over philosophy, so much so I went to university and worked for a first class honours degree just because I was bored with life. I zone out of 99% of coversations with people because I find most people insanely dull, unless they’re chatting about something I am interested in. I have major meltdowns that get so bad sometime I cannot even speak for 2-3 days and I have to be completely alone so I can reset myself and get back to normal. I am super sensitive to noises, with high pitch noises causing me physical pain and high levels of anxiety. I hate being touched, when people hug me or touch me it causes me to freak out; I have to try so hard to be normal and accept hugs from people when I really really don’t want to. I completely lack a social filter and will often say things that I consider to be normal but which other people find very offensive, rude or inappropriate (I have to try very hard to regulate this part of me!!) I have super anxiety in social situations,  so much so that I am practically mute around people I don’t know and will at all costs avoid social situations where I am likely to meet new people or where I have to speak to people. I have days of mutism where I will literally not speak to anyone all day, just because I don’t want to talk! My HFA causes me to wear what I affectionately call my ‘human mask’ all the time because I have to in order to fit in with people and the world; if people saw the real me I’m pretty sure that I would be shunned!

I’m sorry that your family think/say that you can’t have autism or be on the spectrum because they think you’re ‘normal’. I think they’re basing their opinion of autism on something like Rain Man, or because all we really see of autism is either in children, men or lower functioning autistics; there is actually very very little on women with autism, let alone women with HFA! Just because you can mask your symptoms doesn’t mean it isn’t there and it isn’t real, so please don’t ever think that.

My diagnosis is very new, I was only formally diagnosed around 7 weeks ago, so I am very much adjusting to this and trying to get my head around it. However having a diagnosis has helped me massively in terms of providing me with some answers to the way I am feeling or the way in which I see things. It’s helped me realise that I am not a freak, I’m not a bad person, I’m not evil or nasty or a weirdo…I just have autism and there’s nothing wrong with that it just makes me a tad different from other people! It’s allowed me to tell a few people within my family and especially my husband who can now better understand my behaviours and my way of viewing the world; they can make allowances for this, try to support me and offer me help when I need it.

Feel like I’ve blathered on for a while here but I really hope elements of this have made sense to you? HFA/Aspergers will present itself differently in everyone, however rest assured you’re certainly not alone. If this forum has thought me anything it’s that you aren’t alone in all this and that people here and willing to talk to you and help if they can. xx 

Hi GBEM,

First of all welcome to the forum, I think you’ll find you’ve come to the right place for support and help J

I am very much like yourself in that I am a 31 year old female and I have very recently been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism (HFA). I have noticed that HFA and Aspergers are sometimes considered one and the same/very similar, however I was told that they no longer diagnose Aspergers and now call it ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) with a person’s personal diagnosis falling somewhere on this spectrum. Sorry…I digress...

Anyway, I like yourself,  have always known that there was something ‘not quite right’ with me, and my family have always echoed this sentiment. I was odd as a child, odd as a teen and I am odd as an adult, being in possession of a very unique and peculiar view of the world. I have lived with this for many years, silently thinking that I am different and that the way I see the world is very removed from other people. This has caused me considerable anxiety over the years, so much so that when I approached my GP a while back they diagnosed me with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) and tried to medicate me; I flat refused and am I glad that I did! As my GP wasn’t overly helpful I eventually decided to take the plunge and paid to see a private psychiatrist who, after a few intense face to face sessions with me, diagnosed me as having HFA with the added ability to mask my problem. This means that if you met me you would NEVER guess I have autism; I have a very successful and high pressured job with a major UK business, I have a happy and stable marriage, I have an excellent family network that I interact well with, I can drive, I can go out on my own etc etc etc…all those things that NT’s (neuro-typicals or normal people!) do so well without even giving it a second thought.

However what people don’t see is that although I have learnt to mask my symptoms in my day to day life I have a crushing inability to make and retain friends, preferring to be alone than in the company of others (in fact outside my family I have maybe only 1 friend that I haven’t even seen for over 18 months!) I lack empathy and find it completely impossible to read people’s emotions or to empathize with how others may be feeling. I am a very literal thinker and am genuinely baffled when people make jokes, are sarcastic or say things that are ambiguous. I am obsessive over philosophy, so much so I went to university and worked for a first class honours degree just because I was bored with life. I zone out of 99% of coversations with people because I find most people insanely dull, unless they’re chatting about something I am interested in. I have major meltdowns that get so bad sometime I cannot even speak for 2-3 days and I have to be completely alone so I can reset myself and get back to normal. I am super sensitive to noises, with high pitch noises causing me physical pain and high levels of anxiety. I hate being touched, when people hug me or touch me it causes me to freak out; I have to try so hard to be normal and accept hugs from people when I really really don’t want to. I completely lack a social filter and will often say things that I consider to be normal but which other people find very offensive, rude or inappropriate (I have to try very hard to regulate this part of me!!) I have super anxiety in social situations,  so much so that I am practically mute around people I don’t know and will at all costs avoid social situations where I am likely to meet new people or where I have to speak to people. I have days of mutism where I will literally not speak to anyone all day, just because I don’t want to talk! My HFA causes me to wear what I affectionately call my ‘human mask’ all the time because I have to in order to fit in with people and the world; if people saw the real me I’m pretty sure that I would be shunned!

I’m sorry that your family think/say that you can’t have autism or be on the spectrum because they think you’re ‘normal’. I think they’re basing their opinion of autism on something like Rain Man, or because all we really see of autism is either in children, men or lower functioning autistics; there is actually very very little on women with autism, let alone women with HFA! Just because you can mask your symptoms doesn’t mean it isn’t there and it isn’t real, so please don’t ever think that.

My diagnosis is very new, I was only formally diagnosed around 7 weeks ago, so I am very much adjusting to this and trying to get my head around it. However having a diagnosis has helped me massively in terms of providing me with some answers to the way I am feeling or the way in which I see things. It’s helped me realise that I am not a freak, I’m not a bad person, I’m not evil or nasty or a weirdo…I just have autism and there’s nothing wrong with that it just makes me a tad different from other people! It’s allowed me to tell a few people within my family and especially my husband who can now better understand my behaviours and my way of viewing the world; they can make allowances for this, try to support me and offer me help when I need it.

Feel like I’ve blathered on for a while here but I really hope elements of this have made sense to you? HFA/Aspergers will present itself differently in everyone, however rest assured you’re certainly not alone. If this forum has thought me anything it’s that you aren’t alone in all this and that people here and willing to talk to you and help if they can. xx