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Trying to understand?

Tryingtounderstand

Hi. I recently met my now ex partner on a dating site, we met up and the realtionship went really well, he told me he had austism which didnt bother me, it made him him! Yesterday I received a text message telling me he didnt want the relationship, i thought fine,  after 6 months i want an explation, we met up & he explained that he is still in love with me but the austism is stopping his ability to be in a relationship, we have agreed  stay friends however I need to understand? I'm hoping someone can shed some light on this situation for me? 

Thanks T

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  • Tryingtounderstand said:

    I think what you said regarding going round and round in circles your completely correct, we shout and scream then say sorry then have the same conversation two minutes after. Last night I have told him to get in contact with me when he sorts his head out or if he needs me, this is a very hard thing to do but i feel like I need to focus on myself and get my self sorted before I can be there for him. 

    Is there much help that is avaliable to him? Because I think he needs it, he has got a lot of problems That he has never dealt with. 

    This brings to mind the concept of "codependency". Not that I'm especially informed about codependency, but from my basic understanding I think it might be something that could help you to gain more insight into what sounds like dysfunction in your relationship. Although the concept arise from an alcohol context and that aspect may not be directly relevant to your relationship, the underlying principles may be relevant. For example:

    "Some codependents often find themselves in relationships where their primary role is that of rescuer, supporter, and confidante. These helper types are often dependent on the other person's poor functioning to satisfy their own emotional needs." Taken from en.m.wikipedia.org/.../Codependency (yeah, a source of variable quality, but a useful starting point, I find)

    So I'm not trying to presume, just suggesting in case it helps you to get a different perspective on your relationship. I was encouraged when I read that you feel like you need to focus on yourself, then the next but, asking about what help is available to him sounds like you could be drawn back to the status quo where you are seeking to resolve his difficulties, but this is contrary to telling him to contact you once he sorts his head out.

    I'm not saying this to upset you or jump to conclusions, just to point out the "alarm bells" I have picked up on. I hope you find a more satisfactory way of being in whatever way you need.

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  • Tryingtounderstand said:

    I think what you said regarding going round and round in circles your completely correct, we shout and scream then say sorry then have the same conversation two minutes after. Last night I have told him to get in contact with me when he sorts his head out or if he needs me, this is a very hard thing to do but i feel like I need to focus on myself and get my self sorted before I can be there for him. 

    Is there much help that is avaliable to him? Because I think he needs it, he has got a lot of problems That he has never dealt with. 

    This brings to mind the concept of "codependency". Not that I'm especially informed about codependency, but from my basic understanding I think it might be something that could help you to gain more insight into what sounds like dysfunction in your relationship. Although the concept arise from an alcohol context and that aspect may not be directly relevant to your relationship, the underlying principles may be relevant. For example:

    "Some codependents often find themselves in relationships where their primary role is that of rescuer, supporter, and confidante. These helper types are often dependent on the other person's poor functioning to satisfy their own emotional needs." Taken from en.m.wikipedia.org/.../Codependency (yeah, a source of variable quality, but a useful starting point, I find)

    So I'm not trying to presume, just suggesting in case it helps you to get a different perspective on your relationship. I was encouraged when I read that you feel like you need to focus on yourself, then the next but, asking about what help is available to him sounds like you could be drawn back to the status quo where you are seeking to resolve his difficulties, but this is contrary to telling him to contact you once he sorts his head out.

    I'm not saying this to upset you or jump to conclusions, just to point out the "alarm bells" I have picked up on. I hope you find a more satisfactory way of being in whatever way you need.

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