Trying to understand?

Hi,

I'm certainly familiar with the traits of Alexithymia that John describes so well.  A very important factor with this, is to allow plenty of time for emotions to "sink in" - I usually know that I'm feeling "something", but it will take me days to work out exactly which emotion it is.  Pixiefox's suggestion of writing it all down clearly in an e-mail is a very good one I think - having something written down like that, to refer to later when the emotions do start to become more clear, is something that I would definitely find helpful in that situation.

I think you should definitely consider that it may not be the relationship in its current form that is a problem for him - he may in fact just be very worried about how the relationship would turn out in the long run.  Fretting about unforeseen problems in the future can be a big problem for people on the autistic spectrum, as we often loathe uncertainty.  Ending the relationship may not necessarily be what he really wants.  He may just have become very fixated on the idea that he has difficulties dealing with emotions, and that this would cause him to "let you down" at times in the future where you need his emotional support.  Ironically, he may want to end the relationship because he loves you enough that the idea of accidentally hurting your feelings in the future is too much for him to bear, or that he would be keeping you from finding someone more "worthy" of your affection.

Even very practical things can be a big worry.  For example, I have a huge need for plenty of time in my own space, and doubt very much whether I could share the same house with someone every day.  And I'm absolutely certain that I could not routinely share a bed, as I would simply never sleep!  He may be under the impression that such things are absolutely necessary for your relationship to be successful - society is constantly reinforcing the idea that those things are how "normal" relationships are supposed to progress.

So I think you should be very clear with him about what you would expect for the future if he decides to continue the relationship.  If you are happy to remain committed to him, while accepting that your relationship and living arrangements might sometimes be very different than most couples expect, then you need to let him know this.

Hi,

I'm certainly familiar with the traits of Alexithymia that John describes so well.  A very important factor with this, is to allow plenty of time for emotions to "sink in" - I usually know that I'm feeling "something", but it will take me days to work out exactly which emotion it is.  Pixiefox's suggestion of writing it all down clearly in an e-mail is a very good one I think - having something written down like that, to refer to later when the emotions do start to become more clear, is something that I would definitely find helpful in that situation.

I think you should definitely consider that it may not be the relationship in its current form that is a problem for him - he may in fact just be very worried about how the relationship would turn out in the long run.  Fretting about unforeseen problems in the future can be a big problem for people on the autistic spectrum, as we often loathe uncertainty.  Ending the relationship may not necessarily be what he really wants.  He may just have become very fixated on the idea that he has difficulties dealing with emotions, and that this would cause him to "let you down" at times in the future where you need his emotional support.  Ironically, he may want to end the relationship because he loves you enough that the idea of accidentally hurting your feelings in the future is too much for him to bear, or that he would be keeping you from finding someone more "worthy" of your affection.

Even very practical things can be a big worry.  For example, I have a huge need for plenty of time in my own space, and doubt very much whether I could share the same house with someone every day.  And I'm absolutely certain that I could not routinely share a bed, as I would simply never sleep!  He may be under the impression that such things are absolutely necessary for your relationship to be successful - society is constantly reinforcing the idea that those things are how "normal" relationships are supposed to progress.

So I think you should be very clear with him about what you would expect for the future if he decides to continue the relationship.  If you are happy to remain committed to him, while accepting that your relationship and living arrangements might sometimes be very different than most couples expect, then you need to let him know this.