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Trying to understand?

Tryingtounderstand

Hi. I recently met my now ex partner on a dating site, we met up and the realtionship went really well, he told me he had austism which didnt bother me, it made him him! Yesterday I received a text message telling me he didnt want the relationship, i thought fine,  after 6 months i want an explation, we met up & he explained that he is still in love with me but the austism is stopping his ability to be in a relationship, we have agreed  stay friends however I need to understand? I'm hoping someone can shed some light on this situation for me? 

Thanks T

Parents

  • Hi

    Did you ask him how his autism makes it difficult for him to have a relationship?

    ASD people are not all the same, so I can't tell you what was causing difficulties for him. The main problems are usually with communication, social interaction and imagination. He may have difficulty talking about emotions and be uncomfortable if encouraged to express himself in those terms but feel it is expected of him in a "romantic" relationship. He may become anxious when surrounded by lots of people and noise, and find it daunting to take you out to bars, concerts, restaurants, etc. He may also find it difficult to imagine that someone does really care about him. 

    ASD people have often been bullied at some point and often have low self esteem, so he could find it difficult to trust anyone or believe that someone thinks he is great, and might suffer jealousy if his partner appears to also be close to someone else. 

    If you want to try rebuilding your relationship, I would suggest that for now you arrange to speak to him face to face only in a place where he feels safe and secure, and reassure him that you really care about him. Keep in touch by email or text when not seeing him face to face and try to keep positive in your message content, slipping in comments which show you recognise and appreciate his good points, but don't make it up - it must be things he will recognise in himself. For example, if he is always on time when meeting you, tell him how much you appreciate his courtesy in not keeping you waiting around. 

    Good luck and I hope things work out well. 

Reply

  • Hi

    Did you ask him how his autism makes it difficult for him to have a relationship?

    ASD people are not all the same, so I can't tell you what was causing difficulties for him. The main problems are usually with communication, social interaction and imagination. He may have difficulty talking about emotions and be uncomfortable if encouraged to express himself in those terms but feel it is expected of him in a "romantic" relationship. He may become anxious when surrounded by lots of people and noise, and find it daunting to take you out to bars, concerts, restaurants, etc. He may also find it difficult to imagine that someone does really care about him. 

    ASD people have often been bullied at some point and often have low self esteem, so he could find it difficult to trust anyone or believe that someone thinks he is great, and might suffer jealousy if his partner appears to also be close to someone else. 

    If you want to try rebuilding your relationship, I would suggest that for now you arrange to speak to him face to face only in a place where he feels safe and secure, and reassure him that you really care about him. Keep in touch by email or text when not seeing him face to face and try to keep positive in your message content, slipping in comments which show you recognise and appreciate his good points, but don't make it up - it must be things he will recognise in himself. For example, if he is always on time when meeting you, tell him how much you appreciate his courtesy in not keeping you waiting around. 

    Good luck and I hope things work out well. 

Children
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