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Difficult Subject - Groping / Assaults

random

Spotted on the news a facebook campaign about boys groping young girls at a concert. Has bought back difficult memories of a similar incident that happened to me over a year ago. Now I am a 49 year old male, and there were a couple of younger females, late 20s or early 30s behind me. I wasn't attracted to them in any way, made no eye contact with them, and was facing away from them. I was right at the front trying to enjoy the band, it was a really special gig for me, and the band played 3 songs I had dreamed about hearing them play live, one of which I suggested they play on their face book page.

The loudest one of the two, her first interaction with me, was to bear hug me extremely tightly, while talking in my ear that she would set her bouncer friends on me if I caused any trouble, I tried as much as I can to ignore them and never spoke to them. During the concert one of the girls was intentonally touching me, without trying to go in to too much detail. I know what you are thinking, and no, it was not the kind of bumping or knocking in to people you get when people are dancing in close quarters.

At one point the touching was sustained and lasted for about 3-4 minutes. Later in the concert the band wanted some interaction by raising hands, and the loud girl, force my hands up, and said whats wrong with are you autistic or something. At that time I wasn't aware I was. I turned round once to check if they were still behind me, and I saw the other girl. She never said anything, but made this strange expressionless face starring at me, I am certain she was mocking me.

I didn't realise at the time, but this had really affected me, and I was in a lot of shock. I went to the entrance and talked to the doorman about it, he could see I was in a state, he was ok and tried to calm me down, and took details. Sadly at that point the gig had ended and everyone was leaving. I asked if they had cctv at the entrance, they said they couldn't go through cctv, and I would need to speak to the manager. Which I did and had to go through the whole thing again with other people in close range. She couldn't do anything, and said if I wanted to progress it further to call the police.

I didn't know what to do, when I got home (in a different county), I dialed 101 to phone police for advice. I explained what happen and she said she would log the call. About 10 minutes later I had 2 traffic police call at my door, I explained again what happened. They took details, and I was contacted by police force in the county it happened, they were very good and keen for me to make a statement as they felt it was targetted for the assualt because they though I was autistic.

I was very worried as I was there on my own, while the girls were there together and could back each other up. The other thing on my mind is that is was an assault on an older male by females, and the general perception of this type of thing is the other way round. I didn't think I would be believed in a court, and worse the girls could accuse me of assaulting them, I am sure they would be believed.

The police in the country where it happened were pressuring me to make a statement, they were very supportive. There was a photo on the bands facebook page, with clear images of me and the girls. I did build up my courage to make statement, but that was done by my local police force. The guy came round to my house, I tried to describe what happened, I had written notes on paper. He just kept twisting it round on had I misread the situation, I was absolutely sure I hadn't. This went on for a couple of hours, and it shattered all the confidence I had build up to make the statement. 

It took me a long time to pick pieces up, and really spoilt what would have been a great concert for me. It has been very difficult to try to keep pushing my self to continue to go out. Dealing with the police was an ordeal on top of the assault. Then I felt guilty not filing the statement, I wanted to do it to help someone else these girls might target in the future who was autistic (I didn't know I was at the time)

Sorry for the rant, just brought up a lot of bad memories which I am still trying to deal with. I am bit angry that the campaign is viewed as being a problem females experience. Its a bit of a taboo for males to come forward, like domestic violence and abuse

This was the first time in my life anyone suggested I could be autistic. It did not lead on to me being eventually diagnosed. Aspergers was suggested to me by a counsuelor I was seeing about two months after this. In our discussions I did not mention this event, because our time was very limited and I wanted to focus on something that I felt would make the most improvement.

Parents

  • Hello Random,

     I'm so sorry to hear about the assault you experienced. My heart goes out to you. Like you, I too have suffered a serious assault, but sadly, I didn't feel able to even get to the reporting stage. I will not go into details here, but lets just say I didn't feel my report would be investigated properly.

    I'm not sure when your assault took place, but as a vulnerable adult I believe you should have been interviewed under 'special measures,' by a specialist team of officers. This certainly seems to be best practice, but sadly doesn't always occur. Special measures would mean that you were video interviewed in a relaxed and non threatening environment, rather than interrogated as you suggest, and that officers skilled in supporting victims of assault and dealing with the trauma experienced by victims, were conducting the interview, rather than regular officers.

    Like me, I have no doubt that you didn't misinterpret what happened to you. However like many Aspies, I also suspect that you can recall this assault with almost video like precision and detail. Somehow this often makes the trauma of it, all the more profound for Aspies and unsupported it can be the cause of PTSD for some individuals.

    I spoke in confidence about my ordeal to one 'friend,' and their indiscretion and total insensitivity was such that it was shared with their family and brought it up as a topic of converstaion over the dinner table one evening. I was totally blindsided by this and It was like being assaulted all over again. Sadly, It had the effect of me never sharing my lifes ordeals with another again and driving the trauma even deeper inside.

    Years later, a trigger occured completely out of the blue and it all came flooding back with a vengence. I was in pieces. As it looks as though you have experienced a similar recent trigger, you may wish to discuss this with a professional who can support you through what you are currently feeling.

    As a woman on the spectrum, I've experienced a number of ordeals throughout my life, mainly due to my innate trust of others and failure to see danger and all have been very traumatic. The cumalative effect of these did much to compound my feelings of worthlessness and self-blame, however, post diagnosis and following therapy I can now appreciate that the perpetrators of such acts seem to hone in on vulnerability, that assaults can happen to either sex and that we are not responsible as victims.

    Clearly, what happened to you was wrong and that they (the girls) were taking advantage of a vulnerable individual and knew what they were doing. You cannot feel guilty however, about not pushing the statement issue. Your emotional well-being at the time is what was important and clearly you were were further traumatized by the second police interview ordeal.

    Can I also say, you are not the first to recount that the ordeal of interview was as traumatic as the incident. My son was interviewed under 'Special Measures' for an assault against him and experienced similar feelings. Evidence perhaps, that it's just as much about reliving the trauma for Aspies as much as it's about how the police handle complaints of assaults against vulnerable individuals.

    I will always live with the truama of my assault, but I've come to be a peace with my failure to report it. In the climate and the circumstance of the time, I'm sure I would not have received justice and rather than being empowering for me, this would have been even more detrimental to my mental health, without doubt.

    You did everything correctly and you are not responsible for their actions. The fault lies with the perpetrators and way it was handled by the police and you cannot feel guilty about choosing not to make a statement faced with such poor support.

    For the future, try to focus on keeping yourself safe, but with a healthy measure of living. I became a virtual prisoner in my home following my serious assault and was totally isolated. It's taken me many years to realize that I can live life beyond this ordeal. I take simple measures like ensuring I'm not left alone when strangers call or that I make checks before I welcome people to my home, so that in the unlikely event I'm harmed again, I have some recourse. Choosing a like minded enthusiast to enjoy your hobbie or interest with you, can be all that's needed to begin to feel at ease again at such events.

    You will never remedy the apauling behaviour of others, but with the law of probability, we have to hope that they will come to pay for their actions somehow.

    Take Care

    Coogy.

Reply

  • Hello Random,

     I'm so sorry to hear about the assault you experienced. My heart goes out to you. Like you, I too have suffered a serious assault, but sadly, I didn't feel able to even get to the reporting stage. I will not go into details here, but lets just say I didn't feel my report would be investigated properly.

    I'm not sure when your assault took place, but as a vulnerable adult I believe you should have been interviewed under 'special measures,' by a specialist team of officers. This certainly seems to be best practice, but sadly doesn't always occur. Special measures would mean that you were video interviewed in a relaxed and non threatening environment, rather than interrogated as you suggest, and that officers skilled in supporting victims of assault and dealing with the trauma experienced by victims, were conducting the interview, rather than regular officers.

    Like me, I have no doubt that you didn't misinterpret what happened to you. However like many Aspies, I also suspect that you can recall this assault with almost video like precision and detail. Somehow this often makes the trauma of it, all the more profound for Aspies and unsupported it can be the cause of PTSD for some individuals.

    I spoke in confidence about my ordeal to one 'friend,' and their indiscretion and total insensitivity was such that it was shared with their family and brought it up as a topic of converstaion over the dinner table one evening. I was totally blindsided by this and It was like being assaulted all over again. Sadly, It had the effect of me never sharing my lifes ordeals with another again and driving the trauma even deeper inside.

    Years later, a trigger occured completely out of the blue and it all came flooding back with a vengence. I was in pieces. As it looks as though you have experienced a similar recent trigger, you may wish to discuss this with a professional who can support you through what you are currently feeling.

    As a woman on the spectrum, I've experienced a number of ordeals throughout my life, mainly due to my innate trust of others and failure to see danger and all have been very traumatic. The cumalative effect of these did much to compound my feelings of worthlessness and self-blame, however, post diagnosis and following therapy I can now appreciate that the perpetrators of such acts seem to hone in on vulnerability, that assaults can happen to either sex and that we are not responsible as victims.

    Clearly, what happened to you was wrong and that they (the girls) were taking advantage of a vulnerable individual and knew what they were doing. You cannot feel guilty however, about not pushing the statement issue. Your emotional well-being at the time is what was important and clearly you were were further traumatized by the second police interview ordeal.

    Can I also say, you are not the first to recount that the ordeal of interview was as traumatic as the incident. My son was interviewed under 'Special Measures' for an assault against him and experienced similar feelings. Evidence perhaps, that it's just as much about reliving the trauma for Aspies as much as it's about how the police handle complaints of assaults against vulnerable individuals.

    I will always live with the truama of my assault, but I've come to be a peace with my failure to report it. In the climate and the circumstance of the time, I'm sure I would not have received justice and rather than being empowering for me, this would have been even more detrimental to my mental health, without doubt.

    You did everything correctly and you are not responsible for their actions. The fault lies with the perpetrators and way it was handled by the police and you cannot feel guilty about choosing not to make a statement faced with such poor support.

    For the future, try to focus on keeping yourself safe, but with a healthy measure of living. I became a virtual prisoner in my home following my serious assault and was totally isolated. It's taken me many years to realize that I can live life beyond this ordeal. I take simple measures like ensuring I'm not left alone when strangers call or that I make checks before I welcome people to my home, so that in the unlikely event I'm harmed again, I have some recourse. Choosing a like minded enthusiast to enjoy your hobbie or interest with you, can be all that's needed to begin to feel at ease again at such events.

    You will never remedy the apauling behaviour of others, but with the law of probability, we have to hope that they will come to pay for their actions somehow.

    Take Care

    Coogy.

Children
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