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Difficult Subject - Groping / Assaults

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Spotted on the news a facebook campaign about boys groping young girls at a concert. Has bought back difficult memories of a similar incident that happened to me over a year ago. Now I am a 49 year old male, and there were a couple of younger females, late 20s or early 30s behind me. I wasn't attracted to them in any way, made no eye contact with them, and was facing away from them. I was right at the front trying to enjoy the band, it was a really special gig for me, and the band played 3 songs I had dreamed about hearing them play live, one of which I suggested they play on their face book page.

The loudest one of the two, her first interaction with me, was to bear hug me extremely tightly, while talking in my ear that she would set her bouncer friends on me if I caused any trouble, I tried as much as I can to ignore them and never spoke to them. During the concert one of the girls was intentonally touching me, without trying to go in to too much detail. I know what you are thinking, and no, it was not the kind of bumping or knocking in to people you get when people are dancing in close quarters.

At one point the touching was sustained and lasted for about 3-4 minutes. Later in the concert the band wanted some interaction by raising hands, and the loud girl, force my hands up, and said whats wrong with are you autistic or something. At that time I wasn't aware I was. I turned round once to check if they were still behind me, and I saw the other girl. She never said anything, but made this strange expressionless face starring at me, I am certain she was mocking me.

I didn't realise at the time, but this had really affected me, and I was in a lot of shock. I went to the entrance and talked to the doorman about it, he could see I was in a state, he was ok and tried to calm me down, and took details. Sadly at that point the gig had ended and everyone was leaving. I asked if they had cctv at the entrance, they said they couldn't go through cctv, and I would need to speak to the manager. Which I did and had to go through the whole thing again with other people in close range. She couldn't do anything, and said if I wanted to progress it further to call the police.

I didn't know what to do, when I got home (in a different county), I dialed 101 to phone police for advice. I explained what happen and she said she would log the call. About 10 minutes later I had 2 traffic police call at my door, I explained again what happened. They took details, and I was contacted by police force in the county it happened, they were very good and keen for me to make a statement as they felt it was targetted for the assualt because they though I was autistic.

I was very worried as I was there on my own, while the girls were there together and could back each other up. The other thing on my mind is that is was an assault on an older male by females, and the general perception of this type of thing is the other way round. I didn't think I would be believed in a court, and worse the girls could accuse me of assaulting them, I am sure they would be believed.

The police in the country where it happened were pressuring me to make a statement, they were very supportive. There was a photo on the bands facebook page, with clear images of me and the girls. I did build up my courage to make statement, but that was done by my local police force. The guy came round to my house, I tried to describe what happened, I had written notes on paper. He just kept twisting it round on had I misread the situation, I was absolutely sure I hadn't. This went on for a couple of hours, and it shattered all the confidence I had build up to make the statement. 

It took me a long time to pick pieces up, and really spoilt what would have been a great concert for me. It has been very difficult to try to keep pushing my self to continue to go out. Dealing with the police was an ordeal on top of the assault. Then I felt guilty not filing the statement, I wanted to do it to help someone else these girls might target in the future who was autistic (I didn't know I was at the time)

Sorry for the rant, just brought up a lot of bad memories which I am still trying to deal with. I am bit angry that the campaign is viewed as being a problem females experience. Its a bit of a taboo for males to come forward, like domestic violence and abuse

This was the first time in my life anyone suggested I could be autistic. It did not lead on to me being eventually diagnosed. Aspergers was suggested to me by a counsuelor I was seeing about two months after this. In our discussions I did not mention this event, because our time was very limited and I wanted to focus on something that I felt would make the most improvement.

Parents

  • Thanks for all the replies and support, I did get some great support from the police at the time. Both the traffic police that turned up after I made the call, and the specialist officer from the police force in the county where it happened were excellent. Even though I was not aware I was autistic at the time, the traffic police did ask if I needed an appropriate adult with me.

    I discussed the whole thing with the specialist officer, and she help to build a very clear picture of where "acceptable" and "legal" boundaries were crossed. She help to build my confidence to make a statement, in her opinion she classified it as a serious assault on what they thought was a vulnerable person; my description I refered to it as sexual harasment.

    The police officer that came to take my statement, was a bit different. I didn't expect all the intense questioning. The meeting was to give a statement, but I felt as I was being interviewed. In retrospect, I don't criticise him, he was doing his job professionally, I now recognise how my condition afected me with this interview.

    Longman, when I first read your reply, I had some difficulty with it. I think that is a great overview of difficulties we face in these places and how things can be mis interpreted. I have experienced all those things and know how that feels; this situation was very different. You mention difficult to read faces in dimly lit environment, my face was always turned away from the girl leading this, there was no facial contact with her, and only once with her friend. There was quiet a lot of light, I simply totally ignored her, had my back to her, no body language, no eye contact

    I didn't communicate with her, I was sure she would make some scene with the bouncers, would they believe me if she made some false acusation about me , thats how I read her first threat. No it wasn't make in a joking kind of way, her tone changed like jekyl and hide as she was talking with her friend.

    I do recognise what you mean by people being tactile to try and get others to join in. I have not gone in to specific details of the touching here, I did with the police. I don't think anyone could confuse this social tactile contact, with the kind of touching and caressing you would engage with lovingly and intimatly with a close partner.

    This was a whole different experience to other times in similar places. The kind of numb shock that came over me as I walked away from there was the first time I had felt like that.

    I was making a serious acusation, and I had to be absolutely sure of what happend was wrong and not a mis-interpretation. I had reached that point, mainly with the help from the specialist officer, who also recognised my reaction to the assault.

    My reasons for progresing it with the police, was to help someone else not having to go through a similar experience at the hands of the same person. As they were targetting vulnerable people, gave me more reason to do that, again not knowing I was on the autistic spectrum myself. I still feel guilty for not being able to do that.

    One thing that has been on my mind, is what if it had gone to court, and I had then received my diagnosis, would it have strenghened the girls defence. Longman, I think that's why I found reading your reply difficult.

Reply

  • Thanks for all the replies and support, I did get some great support from the police at the time. Both the traffic police that turned up after I made the call, and the specialist officer from the police force in the county where it happened were excellent. Even though I was not aware I was autistic at the time, the traffic police did ask if I needed an appropriate adult with me.

    I discussed the whole thing with the specialist officer, and she help to build a very clear picture of where "acceptable" and "legal" boundaries were crossed. She help to build my confidence to make a statement, in her opinion she classified it as a serious assault on what they thought was a vulnerable person; my description I refered to it as sexual harasment.

    The police officer that came to take my statement, was a bit different. I didn't expect all the intense questioning. The meeting was to give a statement, but I felt as I was being interviewed. In retrospect, I don't criticise him, he was doing his job professionally, I now recognise how my condition afected me with this interview.

    Longman, when I first read your reply, I had some difficulty with it. I think that is a great overview of difficulties we face in these places and how things can be mis interpreted. I have experienced all those things and know how that feels; this situation was very different. You mention difficult to read faces in dimly lit environment, my face was always turned away from the girl leading this, there was no facial contact with her, and only once with her friend. There was quiet a lot of light, I simply totally ignored her, had my back to her, no body language, no eye contact

    I didn't communicate with her, I was sure she would make some scene with the bouncers, would they believe me if she made some false acusation about me , thats how I read her first threat. No it wasn't make in a joking kind of way, her tone changed like jekyl and hide as she was talking with her friend.

    I do recognise what you mean by people being tactile to try and get others to join in. I have not gone in to specific details of the touching here, I did with the police. I don't think anyone could confuse this social tactile contact, with the kind of touching and caressing you would engage with lovingly and intimatly with a close partner.

    This was a whole different experience to other times in similar places. The kind of numb shock that came over me as I walked away from there was the first time I had felt like that.

    I was making a serious acusation, and I had to be absolutely sure of what happend was wrong and not a mis-interpretation. I had reached that point, mainly with the help from the specialist officer, who also recognised my reaction to the assault.

    My reasons for progresing it with the police, was to help someone else not having to go through a similar experience at the hands of the same person. As they were targetting vulnerable people, gave me more reason to do that, again not knowing I was on the autistic spectrum myself. I still feel guilty for not being able to do that.

    One thing that has been on my mind, is what if it had gone to court, and I had then received my diagnosis, would it have strenghened the girls defence. Longman, I think that's why I found reading your reply difficult.

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