Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm never really sure how to start forum posts about real-life things, so I'll just say it as it comes into my mind.
As someone who's spent much of their life affected by ASD and has only been diagnosed early this year, it seems like much of my life has been dominated by it. Most notably the ways that people don't seem to want to spend time with me. From an early age in school I was always different and never fit in with everyone else. My interests were always different, I wasn't cool or trendy, I thought all of their interests were boring or stupid, and I had the massive drawback of being an American living in the U.K., and got to be bullied for exactly that. Now the last part faded eventually, but since I'm 30 and have been here since I was 6, it was always going to stop at some point.
It's gotten worse since the diagnosis, despite having spent less than a year knowing why I am the way I am. Most notably, Dad doesn't seem to understand anything about me anymore, and his complete lack of sympathy has me shut out from someone I thought I was really close to. Mum understands me fairly well and has been right with me through this, but Dad doesn't seem to want in on it.
Not having friends in real-life doesn't help much either. There's only three people on the planet apart from my parents that I have frequent contact with. I'm friends with all three of them, I've met one of them and would really like to meet the other two, but they've got their own real-life obligations like family and work. It's like I'm in a room full of people having fun with each other and I'm the only one standing solo. They're all having fun and talking with themselves but I'm shut out of everything. Making it worse is that Dad could be in the same room with me and I'll still feel all alone.
Well, that seems like more than enough for this time of night.
I'm starting to get the distinct feeling that nobody in my very small circle of friends actually cares about me. They don't put in the effort to spend time with me, even though they know they're all I've got. I'll spend every last minute of the day spending time with them and being around them, only to have nothing reciprocated back to me. I feel like drinking again. It didn't help my problems before, but that's hardly the point. Alcohol isn't supposed to make you feel good, it's supposed to make you feel nothing. Right now I'd like to feel nothing, because nothing is all I have anymore. No friends, no job, no prospects, no girlfriend, and my parents can't help with any of it. I really feel like a drink.