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Friendship Issues

wash620
Hello everyone,

Sorry that I'm putting up yet another 'problem thread' but there is an issue I wanted to throw out there and see what people think. Basically there's this person who I've been 'friends' with for about the last year or so at uni. I was often on my own at uni and this person was one of the few who approached me and started a conversation. Things have been fine up until recently, when they seemed to become quite distant towards me. I emailed them about this and they said everything was fine, they still considered me a friend, and that they were just pre-occupied with uni stuff. This put my mind at ease but the next time I saw them in person they blanked me. I tried talking to them yesterday by going straight up to them and initiating a conversation (quite rare for someone like me with AS), but they didnt seem very willing to talk. They were quite abrupt with their answers and seemed annoyed. Also, their body language seemed to indicate that they were uncomfortable and annoyed at the fact I wanted to walk and talk with them (this might just be paranoia but my instinct says something is up). Now I'm sad and wondering what is going on. I'm getting mixed signals here and there's a lot of inconsistency.

What do people think? Is it worth the effort to keep talking to this person? Have I been used this whole time? Does anyone with AS have similar experiences?

  • Had my first session today. I introduced the problem and they explored how much I like this person (as this is the same individual I have romantic feelings for as discussed in my previous thread) and what I like about them. Next week strategies will be discussed.

  • Its good your talking to a counsellor about this person. I would ignore this person and just mix with the other friends you have. Good luck!

  • Hi

    Good to hear you'll be able to talk to a Counsellor.

    Zoe

  • Hey there,

    I'm actually starting counseling at my uni on monday so that should help a lot. I'd rather stay away from this individual and let her just ignore me if she wants to, because it is really frustrating with the inconsistencies and like I said the body language really does indicate annoyance to a certain degree. I just think I'm wasting my time with this person because I have other friends who more clearly show care for me and make me feel included. However, I will still talk to the counselors.

     

    This person knows I have something called AS, but they don't know anything about it or how it affects me. Maybe that's part of the problem.

     

  • Hi Wash620

    I think its really dificult to comment on this without knowing more about the dynamics of the situation.  Do you have access to a student counselling service at Uni?  There might be someone there who could help you think through what might be going on and discuss strategies - whether to try gently to approach your friend again, whether to write the friend another email explaining that you are worried about what seems like a change in your friendship, whether to let your friend know you have AS (if they dont already know) - as that might at least help your friend to understand why the change is making you anxious.  I think it would make anyone anxious autism or not, but I guess its more confusing for a person with autism.

    I have been in situations like that before and sometimes what is getting in the way might be something that is going on for the other person.

    It might help if you can seek out a student counsellor to help you think through what to do.

    Hope it works out for you

    Zoe

  • We tend to be overly analytical because that's what we have to do all day to cope - going over things many times to try to understand what was said or meant. NTs, because they can better read other people's inflexions and other body language, are used to situations having multiple reasons. If they get negative feedback they can make quick deductions, decide how they want to play things. They can absorb, deal with and either forget or retain the memory of a snub or deception.

    You have to try not to read too much into things, but at the same time accept that you probably read more into a friendship than an NT might.

    NTs are more familiar with strategic lying. So you email to ask if a friendship was still ongoing and get the reply fine just busy, that could be because they couldn't bring themselves to asay what they really felt. This is because NT exchanges have to be padded out to maintain harmony. People with AS have to deal with simple facts.

    You cannot read conspiracy into this. You haven't been used. But it is likely something has changed this person's willingness to be friendly. That may be his friends making comments about him being seen with you. Or him seeing different meanings to your attempts at being friendly and less adept at expressing the right mood or intention.

    NTs change their moods, impressions of others, willingness to share a lot. They complex language of attituudes and other people's attitudes, and being seen to be "cool" (if that's current) or having the image they want. To do that they trade friendships, switch loyalties, feign sincerity.

    In a sense you are probably lucky your slower pragmatics don't allow you to engage in this constant acting up. It isn't that great being an NT I suspect. So try not to take offence. Accept that NTs will change from one day to the next. However hard to follow this "go with the flow". Try not to see any long term strategy.

    I find this immensely hard and have spent a lifetime getting hurt. But the only way forward is just to try not to get stuck in any one situation (not easy for me).