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Aspergers Syndrome- Dating and establishing a relationship

wash620
over 12 years ago
Hello,

I was wondering whether the autistics among us have ever experienced any issues with liking someone romantically, and trying to get to know them, dating them, and becoming closer etc. I've recently started to develop in this area and so far it has been a pretty miserable experience. I had a 10-month crush on a girl at my uni which sadly came to nothing because she entered into a relationship of her own just recently. Throughout this time I found it very difficult not to get preoccupied with this and there was constant confusion about what the other person felt. I think this relates a great deal to how people with Aspergers have trouble reading body language and knowing how to talk to others. There were mixed signals, although not intentional I don't think, and it was both thrilling to like someone but a bit of a hell with all this confusion. Despite the fact that I should be getting over her, it is proving difficult and she still invades my thoughts regularly. This makes me feel ashamed and wonder whether I am a selfish, pathetic individual. Does anyone here with Aspergers have any similar experiences?
Parents
  • over 12 years ago

    I'm afraid I've lived a lifetime of one-sided attraction. So maybe I'm the last person to advise. For some reason (I'm supposedly good looking) I get chatted up a lot. I then get accused of being insensitive. Part of the trouble is I know how to be mannerly, think of others, do all the gentlemanly things. But I cannot socially interact once we are deep into non-verbal.  I used to catch the eye of someone across a room, but up close not a thing.

    The problem is we may want to relate, and we're expected to relate, and brainwashed by films, books advertising etc to expect to relate. But it may not actually work out if you have difficulty reading and generating the right non-verbal signals. There have been books on making relationships work but I never found them much use. Its not the rules - I can learn the rules, and its not about flirting, I can work that out too - its lack of that ability to exactly read situations and generate responses when things get "critical".  It means you can mislead or give a false impression.

    I don't think this is taken seriously enough. The literature seems to me rather limited to the "mechanics" of dating, which is guessable and can be mimicked. Also it seems people even open minded about the aspergers side feel they can help and just don't have sufficient understanding of how fundamentally difficult the non-verbal side can be.

    Unfortunately spiralling anxiety means you dwell on the possibles too much without being able to read the actualities.

Reply
  • over 12 years ago

    I'm afraid I've lived a lifetime of one-sided attraction. So maybe I'm the last person to advise. For some reason (I'm supposedly good looking) I get chatted up a lot. I then get accused of being insensitive. Part of the trouble is I know how to be mannerly, think of others, do all the gentlemanly things. But I cannot socially interact once we are deep into non-verbal.  I used to catch the eye of someone across a room, but up close not a thing.

    The problem is we may want to relate, and we're expected to relate, and brainwashed by films, books advertising etc to expect to relate. But it may not actually work out if you have difficulty reading and generating the right non-verbal signals. There have been books on making relationships work but I never found them much use. Its not the rules - I can learn the rules, and its not about flirting, I can work that out too - its lack of that ability to exactly read situations and generate responses when things get "critical".  It means you can mislead or give a false impression.

    I don't think this is taken seriously enough. The literature seems to me rather limited to the "mechanics" of dating, which is guessable and can be mimicked. Also it seems people even open minded about the aspergers side feel they can help and just don't have sufficient understanding of how fundamentally difficult the non-verbal side can be.

    Unfortunately spiralling anxiety means you dwell on the possibles too much without being able to read the actualities.

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