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I'm loosing hope of things ever getting better. [warning, long]

Eled

I'm 34, almoast 35, was diagnosed as being aspergers, is it really almoast 20 years ago now? (I'm also dyslexic, and have a speach impediment)

I posted here, ages back, about how I'm scared all the time. I'm on DLA at the moment and the stories I've heard about people applying for PIP, of how regularly you have to re-apply, of the thousands of people left to die becase of claims denied? The idea that they are moving everyone to that in the coming months fills me with complte and utter dread.

I go to bed, and my last thougt at night is 'please dont let tomorrow be the day I'm called up for another medical' I wake up, and my first thought is that I may have escaped- but not for long.

I try to count my blessings, that I have 2 parents who help me get buy and are happy to have me live with them... but every day, I watch them knowing they're getting older, weaker. That they day will come when I loose them, and, I dont know what I'm going to do! I cant even talk to them about it becase I feel panic rising in my chest like something bloody and claustrahobic struggling to break free of my chest.

I have a younger sister. But, while at times she means well I find her aprach too abrasave, her moods too mercurial. I dont want to be a burden to her and I really dont want to have to live the kind of life I would be obligated to if she was helping me. We've never really gotten along.

I had a support worker ages back, but she emigrated and I fell off the map in my local area. I tred reopening contact but the cuts, and, the lack of raport with the new one means again I fell off the books. I didnt trust her enough, feel she was on my side enough to open up fast enough to ask for the help I needed. It felt like I would be surendering all controll and be taken away from my room, lined in books and filled with geological specimens. Away from my internet contection, my one comfortable link to the world.

I'm only really at home in text, with writing. Well that and geology. I am / was studying for a geoscience degree with the Open university but they changed the degrees offerd by the science department and... If I'm honest I'm too scared to apply becase the part time grant maens I have to ask for prrof of benefits and I'm just terafied of atracting attention in the DWP incase they decide I'm due another medical.

Besides after nearly killing myself doing the requred math module ( It took me 3 tries and I passed on the third by all of 2% by basically giving myself hell to get there.) I felt I diserved some time to myself.

Besides, I'll *never* be a geologist, what ever qualificatios I get. Never use it. I'll be a useless stressed put panicy blob in the feild, and a mute stump ina lab, utterly incapable of managing academic politics. I love the study, find peace and facination in it, but I'm years away from my degree and, it dosent feel like I have years left.

I finally worked up the corage to talk to one of my practace GPs about my insomnia, my anxiety, the way nothing, not my writing, my studies, my RPG hobby, has any point, and he spent more time chortiling about the 'deep' 'philisophical' underpinnings of my issues than actually helping. Not that this was hard as he was no help at all, what so ever.

So now I'm *also* terafied that theres some bit of poiosn from him in my files, that I am a scrounger, a malingerer, something that ATOS would sieze upon to deny a future claim... It left me worse off than not talking to any one.

I thought about writing short stories, or starting a blog possibly getting some advertisng money... but again I'd probibly have to talk to the DWP if I got any kind of income, and long before I could support myself, and again, I dont want to remind them I'm here silly as that sounds.

But nothing is getting any better, and on good days I cant shake the feeling I'm amusing myself while I wait for things to get bad enough, for me to be impovershed and isolated and alone enough, that I can justify... well I dont want to say it becase I'm also scared of what might come of that. And I'm not suicidal, not yet hopefully not ever! But I'm aware of how little it would take to put me there.

So I'm in an odd place, quite happy, with a little pool of self I could spend on making lyself better. But knowing it wont last, cannot last. With no help, no avenuesI can really turn too, and no idea of where to look.

And I just, I cant see any way it gets better for me, and I don't know what to do.

Parents

  • Firstly, try not to worry about the PIP assessment - it hasn'the happened yet.  I managed to get it without an ATOS medical for my mental health condition so they are not rejecting everyone.  Do get help filling in the forms though, ideally from a support worker (if you can bear getting another one) or you could try the Citizens' Advice Bureau or search online (I have heard there are some sites giving very good advice on how to describe things on the forms to score sufficient points).

    Secondly, you should have several options if you do want to continue with the OU.  You could see if the degree you were working towards has been replaced with an equivalent degree, or switch to another degree in the same field or an open degree, both of these should allow you to transfer some or all of your existing credit.  Or, depending on how much of your degree you have studied already you may be able to claim a lower level of qualification, such as a diploma, with your existing credit.  If you did continue to study you may be able to use existing documents as proof of benefits, e.g. an awards letter the DWP have sent you, rather than having to ask them for additional documentation.  And if you were entitled to student finance that may take some of the benefits pressure off.  Not to mention you could also claim Disabled Student's Allowance to pay for a mentor who could help you deal with it all.

    I am a little biased as an OU student (however one who is also disabled and knows how difficult it can get) but I am inclined to agree that pursuing a degree is still likely to be worthwhile even if you don't yet have a clear career path, as you will be doing something you enjoy and will be learning other marketable skills like planning and organisation, critical thinking, computer skills, perseverance etc. even if you end up in a job that doesn't require your core degree knowledge.

Reply

  • Firstly, try not to worry about the PIP assessment - it hasn'the happened yet.  I managed to get it without an ATOS medical for my mental health condition so they are not rejecting everyone.  Do get help filling in the forms though, ideally from a support worker (if you can bear getting another one) or you could try the Citizens' Advice Bureau or search online (I have heard there are some sites giving very good advice on how to describe things on the forms to score sufficient points).

    Secondly, you should have several options if you do want to continue with the OU.  You could see if the degree you were working towards has been replaced with an equivalent degree, or switch to another degree in the same field or an open degree, both of these should allow you to transfer some or all of your existing credit.  Or, depending on how much of your degree you have studied already you may be able to claim a lower level of qualification, such as a diploma, with your existing credit.  If you did continue to study you may be able to use existing documents as proof of benefits, e.g. an awards letter the DWP have sent you, rather than having to ask them for additional documentation.  And if you were entitled to student finance that may take some of the benefits pressure off.  Not to mention you could also claim Disabled Student's Allowance to pay for a mentor who could help you deal with it all.

    I am a little biased as an OU student (however one who is also disabled and knows how difficult it can get) but I am inclined to agree that pursuing a degree is still likely to be worthwhile even if you don't yet have a clear career path, as you will be doing something you enjoy and will be learning other marketable skills like planning and organisation, critical thinking, computer skills, perseverance etc. even if you end up in a job that doesn't require your core degree knowledge.

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