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I'm loosing hope of things ever getting better. [warning, long]

Eled

I'm 34, almoast 35, was diagnosed as being aspergers, is it really almoast 20 years ago now? (I'm also dyslexic, and have a speach impediment)

I posted here, ages back, about how I'm scared all the time. I'm on DLA at the moment and the stories I've heard about people applying for PIP, of how regularly you have to re-apply, of the thousands of people left to die becase of claims denied? The idea that they are moving everyone to that in the coming months fills me with complte and utter dread.

I go to bed, and my last thougt at night is 'please dont let tomorrow be the day I'm called up for another medical' I wake up, and my first thought is that I may have escaped- but not for long.

I try to count my blessings, that I have 2 parents who help me get buy and are happy to have me live with them... but every day, I watch them knowing they're getting older, weaker. That they day will come when I loose them, and, I dont know what I'm going to do! I cant even talk to them about it becase I feel panic rising in my chest like something bloody and claustrahobic struggling to break free of my chest.

I have a younger sister. But, while at times she means well I find her aprach too abrasave, her moods too mercurial. I dont want to be a burden to her and I really dont want to have to live the kind of life I would be obligated to if she was helping me. We've never really gotten along.

I had a support worker ages back, but she emigrated and I fell off the map in my local area. I tred reopening contact but the cuts, and, the lack of raport with the new one means again I fell off the books. I didnt trust her enough, feel she was on my side enough to open up fast enough to ask for the help I needed. It felt like I would be surendering all controll and be taken away from my room, lined in books and filled with geological specimens. Away from my internet contection, my one comfortable link to the world.

I'm only really at home in text, with writing. Well that and geology. I am / was studying for a geoscience degree with the Open university but they changed the degrees offerd by the science department and... If I'm honest I'm too scared to apply becase the part time grant maens I have to ask for prrof of benefits and I'm just terafied of atracting attention in the DWP incase they decide I'm due another medical.

Besides after nearly killing myself doing the requred math module ( It took me 3 tries and I passed on the third by all of 2% by basically giving myself hell to get there.) I felt I diserved some time to myself.

Besides, I'll *never* be a geologist, what ever qualificatios I get. Never use it. I'll be a useless stressed put panicy blob in the feild, and a mute stump ina lab, utterly incapable of managing academic politics. I love the study, find peace and facination in it, but I'm years away from my degree and, it dosent feel like I have years left.

I finally worked up the corage to talk to one of my practace GPs about my insomnia, my anxiety, the way nothing, not my writing, my studies, my RPG hobby, has any point, and he spent more time chortiling about the 'deep' 'philisophical' underpinnings of my issues than actually helping. Not that this was hard as he was no help at all, what so ever.

So now I'm *also* terafied that theres some bit of poiosn from him in my files, that I am a scrounger, a malingerer, something that ATOS would sieze upon to deny a future claim... It left me worse off than not talking to any one.

I thought about writing short stories, or starting a blog possibly getting some advertisng money... but again I'd probibly have to talk to the DWP if I got any kind of income, and long before I could support myself, and again, I dont want to remind them I'm here silly as that sounds.

But nothing is getting any better, and on good days I cant shake the feeling I'm amusing myself while I wait for things to get bad enough, for me to be impovershed and isolated and alone enough, that I can justify... well I dont want to say it becase I'm also scared of what might come of that. And I'm not suicidal, not yet hopefully not ever! But I'm aware of how little it would take to put me there.

So I'm in an odd place, quite happy, with a little pool of self I could spend on making lyself better. But knowing it wont last, cannot last. With no help, no avenuesI can really turn too, and no idea of where to look.

And I just, I cant see any way it gets better for me, and I don't know what to do.

Parents

  • Thank you. If I had free choice, I think I'd end up in environmental work, nothing so deep in the feild that I lost easy internet access and so lost the network of freinds (Incliding one long suffering soul who has been my best freind since first day of high school, but lives too far away to visit.) but, there could be peace and joy and meaning in that work, if I could find a way to do it, helping preserve whats left of our plannet. It would go with what inspired me into geology actually.

    You ever read Dune? the Frank Herbert novel not the drivel by his son from his notes? Theres a line where Liet Kynes (Imperial Planetologist, now there is a job title I'd love!) where he describes an ecology as the flow of free energy within a system. Suddenly it all clicked! Suddenly I could hear poetry in the physical chemical and energy exchanges of nature, the way water moves in and out of the air, the seas, the mantle...

    But I'm so scared, and so vulnerable, and so far away from that, I can't see a way from here to there, and when I tried talking to tutors with the open university they basicly told me to focus on getting my degree and then wory about what to do with it, so I ended up with a new fear, that I'd educate myself useless while aging out of other opertunites.

    As for the social phobia... Its a bitter drink but my world has shrunk a lot over the last many years. I used to beable to walk into town, headphones on to bloc kthe pummeling croud, get a haircut at my barber, only place in all my life Ive had my hair cut. These days the idea of stepping further away than our parking space fills me with dread.

    I don't know how to get from where I am to where I'd be happyer, I dont know whether to follow the rocks, or the writing. I started a project to distract me, justa fun wee thing yeah? writing my own RPG, pen and paper based like D&D but to my own likings. I like rules, enjoy finding ways to create intresting tactical tradeoffs without math. It wont lead to finaincial security but it'd be something done, something achived! Its stalled, becase I cant get my head around social interaction well enough to model it in the rules I;ve built.

    Siiiiiiiigh. Same problem as reall life.

    I just dont know what to do, or who to ask for help, or how these days.

Reply

  • Thank you. If I had free choice, I think I'd end up in environmental work, nothing so deep in the feild that I lost easy internet access and so lost the network of freinds (Incliding one long suffering soul who has been my best freind since first day of high school, but lives too far away to visit.) but, there could be peace and joy and meaning in that work, if I could find a way to do it, helping preserve whats left of our plannet. It would go with what inspired me into geology actually.

    You ever read Dune? the Frank Herbert novel not the drivel by his son from his notes? Theres a line where Liet Kynes (Imperial Planetologist, now there is a job title I'd love!) where he describes an ecology as the flow of free energy within a system. Suddenly it all clicked! Suddenly I could hear poetry in the physical chemical and energy exchanges of nature, the way water moves in and out of the air, the seas, the mantle...

    But I'm so scared, and so vulnerable, and so far away from that, I can't see a way from here to there, and when I tried talking to tutors with the open university they basicly told me to focus on getting my degree and then wory about what to do with it, so I ended up with a new fear, that I'd educate myself useless while aging out of other opertunites.

    As for the social phobia... Its a bitter drink but my world has shrunk a lot over the last many years. I used to beable to walk into town, headphones on to bloc kthe pummeling croud, get a haircut at my barber, only place in all my life Ive had my hair cut. These days the idea of stepping further away than our parking space fills me with dread.

    I don't know how to get from where I am to where I'd be happyer, I dont know whether to follow the rocks, or the writing. I started a project to distract me, justa fun wee thing yeah? writing my own RPG, pen and paper based like D&D but to my own likings. I like rules, enjoy finding ways to create intresting tactical tradeoffs without math. It wont lead to finaincial security but it'd be something done, something achived! Its stalled, becase I cant get my head around social interaction well enough to model it in the rules I;ve built.

    Siiiiiiiigh. Same problem as reall life.

    I just dont know what to do, or who to ask for help, or how these days.

Children
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