I'm loosing hope of things ever getting better. [warning, long]

I'm 34, almoast 35, was diagnosed as being aspergers, is it really almoast 20 years ago now? (I'm also dyslexic, and have a speach impediment)

I posted here, ages back, about how I'm scared all the time. I'm on DLA at the moment and the stories I've heard about people applying for PIP, of how regularly you have to re-apply, of the thousands of people left to die becase of claims denied? The idea that they are moving everyone to that in the coming months fills me with complte and utter dread.

I go to bed, and my last thougt at night is 'please dont let tomorrow be the day I'm called up for another medical' I wake up, and my first thought is that I may have escaped- but not for long.

I try to count my blessings, that I have 2 parents who help me get buy and are happy to have me live with them... but every day, I watch them knowing they're getting older, weaker. That they day will come when I loose them, and, I dont know what I'm going to do! I cant even talk to them about it becase I feel panic rising in my chest like something bloody and claustrahobic struggling to break free of my chest.

I have a younger sister. But, while at times she means well I find her aprach too abrasave, her moods too mercurial. I dont want to be a burden to her and I really dont want to have to live the kind of life I would be obligated to if she was helping me. We've never really gotten along.

I had a support worker ages back, but she emigrated and I fell off the map in my local area. I tred reopening contact but the cuts, and, the lack of raport with the new one means again I fell off the books. I didnt trust her enough, feel she was on my side enough to open up fast enough to ask for the help I needed. It felt like I would be surendering all controll and be taken away from my room, lined in books and filled with geological specimens. Away from my internet contection, my one comfortable link to the world.

I'm only really at home in text, with writing. Well that and geology. I am / was studying for a geoscience degree with the Open university but they changed the degrees offerd by the science department and... If I'm honest I'm too scared to apply becase the part time grant maens I have to ask for prrof of benefits and I'm just terafied of atracting attention in the DWP incase they decide I'm due another medical.

Besides after nearly killing myself doing the requred math module ( It took me 3 tries and I passed on the third by all of 2% by basically giving myself hell to get there.) I felt I diserved some time to myself.

Besides, I'll *never* be a geologist, what ever qualificatios I get. Never use it. I'll be a useless stressed put panicy blob in the feild, and a mute stump ina lab, utterly incapable of managing academic politics. I love the study, find peace and facination in it, but I'm years away from my degree and, it dosent feel like I have years left.

I finally worked up the corage to talk to one of my practace GPs about my insomnia, my anxiety, the way nothing, not my writing, my studies, my RPG hobby, has any point, and he spent more time chortiling about the 'deep' 'philisophical' underpinnings of my issues than actually helping. Not that this was hard as he was no help at all, what so ever.

So now I'm *also* terafied that theres some bit of poiosn from him in my files, that I am a scrounger, a malingerer, something that ATOS would sieze upon to deny a future claim... It left me worse off than not talking to any one.

I thought about writing short stories, or starting a blog possibly getting some advertisng money... but again I'd probibly have to talk to the DWP if I got any kind of income, and long before I could support myself, and again, I dont want to remind them I'm here silly as that sounds.

But nothing is getting any better, and on good days I cant shake the feeling I'm amusing myself while I wait for things to get bad enough, for me to be impovershed and isolated and alone enough, that I can justify... well I dont want to say it becase I'm also scared of what might come of that. And I'm not suicidal, not yet hopefully not ever! But I'm aware of how little it would take to put me there.

So I'm in an odd place, quite happy, with a little pool of self I could spend on making lyself better. But knowing it wont last, cannot last. With no help, no avenuesI can really turn too, and no idea of where to look.

And I just, I cant see any way it gets better for me, and I don't know what to do.

Parents
  • Geology is a great subject but not great career-wise, at least making big money. That might seem absurd, but what most people end up doing is logging (analysing core samples), seismic and other remote measuring techniques. The romantic notion of studying sediments in the field or collecting fossils is confined to academic/teaching roles. Otherwise you've usually got to be something else, mostly good with computers, but not necessarily fun use of computers.

    It follows that, even if you cannot finish the degree it sounds like you've done a lot of learning into the subject and you are keen enough to collect specimens and books.

    Geology does attract amateurs. So you could get involved with a local geology/natural history society, go on field trips with them, attend lectures. Granted there is a social side which will be difficult, but fanaticism and a good head for detail and facts can compensate for lack of social skills in a hobby that attracts nerds, geeks and obsessives.

    It is also worth contacting the geology department of a local university, who may allow the public to take part in some field trips, and may allow some access to specimens. Also local museums are glad of volunteer geologists.

    Getting involved with amateur geology will give you networks - contacts and connections you can use to find jobs. There are lots of things you can do with a geology interest if you don't mind lesser pay. There are jobs for people cataloguing rock collections (so many museum collections where the labels have fallen off!), geology technicians - preparation of specimens, petrology - often used by archaeologists to identify stone age tools. I could go on and on.... if you press me.

    I taught geology to undergraduates. I like particularly teaching examination of hand specimens and geology microscope work, and most of my teaching was on palaeoenvironments - identifying the climate and other environments at the time the rocks were laid down, and the behaviour patterns of the fossilsed creatures.

    Point I'm making is you've got a way in to loads of geology opportunities. Some of them wont pay you anything, but might sustain a life on support. But there are plenty of lesser jobs that don't pay as well as graduates might like. Also the skills you use in geology can be read across into other areas - archaeology I've mentioned, other branches of environmental science such as geomorphology and hazard management. Then there is land management and development studies where an understanding of geology, soils and climate helps to explain the constraints.....

    To do this though you've got to decide to break out of the social phobia trap. You will have to countenance coping in some social infrastructure. The thing to remember about geology is there are loads of other people whom, for various reasons, aren't so socially skilled, so autism isn't necessarily that big a handicap.

Reply
  • Geology is a great subject but not great career-wise, at least making big money. That might seem absurd, but what most people end up doing is logging (analysing core samples), seismic and other remote measuring techniques. The romantic notion of studying sediments in the field or collecting fossils is confined to academic/teaching roles. Otherwise you've usually got to be something else, mostly good with computers, but not necessarily fun use of computers.

    It follows that, even if you cannot finish the degree it sounds like you've done a lot of learning into the subject and you are keen enough to collect specimens and books.

    Geology does attract amateurs. So you could get involved with a local geology/natural history society, go on field trips with them, attend lectures. Granted there is a social side which will be difficult, but fanaticism and a good head for detail and facts can compensate for lack of social skills in a hobby that attracts nerds, geeks and obsessives.

    It is also worth contacting the geology department of a local university, who may allow the public to take part in some field trips, and may allow some access to specimens. Also local museums are glad of volunteer geologists.

    Getting involved with amateur geology will give you networks - contacts and connections you can use to find jobs. There are lots of things you can do with a geology interest if you don't mind lesser pay. There are jobs for people cataloguing rock collections (so many museum collections where the labels have fallen off!), geology technicians - preparation of specimens, petrology - often used by archaeologists to identify stone age tools. I could go on and on.... if you press me.

    I taught geology to undergraduates. I like particularly teaching examination of hand specimens and geology microscope work, and most of my teaching was on palaeoenvironments - identifying the climate and other environments at the time the rocks were laid down, and the behaviour patterns of the fossilsed creatures.

    Point I'm making is you've got a way in to loads of geology opportunities. Some of them wont pay you anything, but might sustain a life on support. But there are plenty of lesser jobs that don't pay as well as graduates might like. Also the skills you use in geology can be read across into other areas - archaeology I've mentioned, other branches of environmental science such as geomorphology and hazard management. Then there is land management and development studies where an understanding of geology, soils and climate helps to explain the constraints.....

    To do this though you've got to decide to break out of the social phobia trap. You will have to countenance coping in some social infrastructure. The thing to remember about geology is there are loads of other people whom, for various reasons, aren't so socially skilled, so autism isn't necessarily that big a handicap.

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