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Parent trouble - please help!

PureLight

I am a 39 yo on the spectrum, As well as autism as I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Hydrocephalus and Epilepsy.

I am having problems with my parents, mainly my mother. She is currently using me as her personal "samaritan" and sees me as an offload point for her problems and bad news.  She shown no concern to me about any problem that I may be having. She has even said that she doesn't care about me having autism and that I am "old enough to look after myself". I get so many mixed messages from her and now I am starting to feel ill. It is starting to destroy my quality of life.

While I have been as tolerant as I can with her, I am now at breaking point myself. I am now aggressive and exhausted by her constant "demands". Many of her problems are self-created, but she will not seek help other than me.

If I try to tell her to back off, she starts with "oh well we did enough for you when you were younger, (getting diagnosed with autism wasn't one of them though!) so I am expected to "return the favour".

When my mood boils over in her direction and I snap at her, strangely enough she doesn't like it and treats me like I am crazy, ( I am often called names like "Nutty Nelly, or "Freak). She can be really vile when she can't get her own way

My poor dad cops for it as well and gets caught in between me and mum. I am really getting to hate her.

I am getting to the point now where I cannot cope any more. I am on enough tablets already and I am reluctant to go to the doctors for any more.

I am lucky that I have my own flat and live independently but it is only just up the road from her and she is on the phone every day complaining about something.

Please help!

Thanks

  • Hi and thanks for the replies

    In reation to my mum being on the spectrum, I have thought of it many times. She assures me that there is nothing "wrong" with her and that I am the one with the difficulties(!)

    She does have many traits. A very prominent one at the moment is how to start/keep an approprioate topic of conversation. She often goes into every tiniest detail (even the most embarassing ones) and makes people feel very uncomfortable. If you try to stop her, you get accused of not listening or being insensitive.

    I have tried talking to her and telling her how I feel but how I feel but it doesn't seem to matter to her. It is always a case of "I've got something to say and I am going to say it!" regardless of how the listener, or the person she is talking about feels

    Needless to say she has no friends that she can use as an alternative sounding post.

    A small part of me feels really sorry for her but mostly she makes my blood boil. I am learning the art of putting the phone down on her but I don't like having to do it.

    Most of the time I just want to throw up!!

  • Hi Purelight - it sounds like I have a mother like you - so you are definately not alone!

    I think getting an answerphone is a great idea or screening her calls through a mobile phone with number display - that is what I do when my mum gets too much for me. it is a subtle way of getting some space without the confrontation of telling her to back off.

    You don't need to be horrid towards her just let the call go through to the answer machine and deal with it/call her back when you feel you are ready as you know what the call is likely to be about. I do this with my mum when she is being particularly difficult/horrible - she is alone a lot of the time and suffers depression - it is not that I don't care about her - its just that I can't be there when she demands it, I have my own health to think about too.

    I think by doing this you are sending a message which says that you are there for her and you are not ignoring her, but you some times have to do it on your terms, to look after your own health after all, you can't be there for her if you are not well.

    Does she have any friends or a social circle of her own that you could encourage her to engage with? Perhaps that may take the pressure off of you as well.

    Or maybe visit on a regular day once a week? I see my mum for a visit on a Friday, that way she knows you will be there regularly and you will get the space that you need?

     

    I do think you should think carefully before cutting her out - it works for some people of course - but you may also need her support in the future for yourself -perhaps make sure that you have alternative reliable support before taking this route?

    I hope you find a happy medium and a way through this.Wink

  • Is there any possible you can cut her out your life? i done this with my mum and my sister and my father because my mums an alchy,my dads a fuitloop and my sister is a juts a biatch so now thats it i lead i was going to say a quiet life but it isnt lol but i dont get any hassle from them now

  • Just a thought but, can you get an answer machine to answer your calls for you?

    Her behaviour is clearly excessive and causing you stress, but I cannot see how you are likely to get a break, unless you iniciate one and stand firm on how her constant demands are affecting you and that she needs another sounding board.

    Have you considered she may have ASD traits also!