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The British stiff upper lip

Marjorie195

When I have looked at any questionnaires etc which are designed to give an indication of whether someone is on the spectrum, there are always questions about whether other people tell you that you are rude or insensitive and so on.

I don't find that people make these sort of comments as a rule. They are polite, but tend to walk away, or avoid you, and just let you know they don't much like you by actions rather than words.

I have been reading about asd and emotions and about the idea that we have an on/off switch rather than a dial, for our emotions. I certainly find this description fits me. If I am very upset, I cannot stop myself from crying, even in public places. My temper is volcanic and I just can't stop it in some situations. When happy, I often laugh until I cry and my sides hurt. I am just not very British.

When I have travelled abroad, I have seen men arguing loudly and happily in cafes. Here it seems to be taboo to be heated about anything, we are expected to be rational and calm. The bereaved in other countries cry openly, but if someone sheds more than a quiet, polite tear at a funeral here, they are deemed "out of control and undignified".

This leads me to the question:- Are British people with asd more at a disadvantage than our counterparts from cultures that are more expressive?

Parents

  • Show of emotion is difficult for people on the spectrum, even when witnessed in others.

    The rudeness issues arise from lack of proper eye contact, and lack of non-verbal input or reception. People on the spectrum don't pick up social cues (or give the right social signals). I suspect British "stiff upper lip" doesn't help matters but I think the rudeness issue in respect of people on the spectrum might be just as significant without it.

    We can appear rude for a number of reasons:

    Showing mirth or amusement or a smile when the topic has changed to serious, or vice versa, which could be read as tactless or mocking.

    Butting in, speaking over, or not giving someone else time to have their say.

    Appearing not to be listening, or listening in an exaggerated way, appearing to be tired or bored (as the conversation stresses you out). Some people on the spectrum point their ear at a speaker rather than their eyes, in an attempt to follow the subject

    Having to ask things to be repeated or explained more than is normal, appearing to misunderstand whereby it irritates the NT.

    Pitch - having the wrong softness or loudness for the situation

    Hierarchical issues - deference. Some people need to be addressed differently in terms of how important they are or think they are, and expect a different tone, certain words used/not used etc.

    Cliques/in-crowds. Where you are expected to pick up the informal codes for the group you are in.

    Personal space - being too close, or putting your hands too near someone. Personal space varies with the subject matter, and people on the spectrum don't "get" this.

    Stimming - this isn't just hand flapping, but can involve playing with your hair, picking your nose while talking (I know an aspie who does just this, and it is really quite distracting, seems to be his stim), playing with a pen or some object that appears to suggest you are not really listening. NTs seem to get ever so cross with this.

Reply

  • Show of emotion is difficult for people on the spectrum, even when witnessed in others.

    The rudeness issues arise from lack of proper eye contact, and lack of non-verbal input or reception. People on the spectrum don't pick up social cues (or give the right social signals). I suspect British "stiff upper lip" doesn't help matters but I think the rudeness issue in respect of people on the spectrum might be just as significant without it.

    We can appear rude for a number of reasons:

    Showing mirth or amusement or a smile when the topic has changed to serious, or vice versa, which could be read as tactless or mocking.

    Butting in, speaking over, or not giving someone else time to have their say.

    Appearing not to be listening, or listening in an exaggerated way, appearing to be tired or bored (as the conversation stresses you out). Some people on the spectrum point their ear at a speaker rather than their eyes, in an attempt to follow the subject

    Having to ask things to be repeated or explained more than is normal, appearing to misunderstand whereby it irritates the NT.

    Pitch - having the wrong softness or loudness for the situation

    Hierarchical issues - deference. Some people need to be addressed differently in terms of how important they are or think they are, and expect a different tone, certain words used/not used etc.

    Cliques/in-crowds. Where you are expected to pick up the informal codes for the group you are in.

    Personal space - being too close, or putting your hands too near someone. Personal space varies with the subject matter, and people on the spectrum don't "get" this.

    Stimming - this isn't just hand flapping, but can involve playing with your hair, picking your nose while talking (I know an aspie who does just this, and it is really quite distracting, seems to be his stim), playing with a pen or some object that appears to suggest you are not really listening. NTs seem to get ever so cross with this.

Children
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