Published on 12, July, 2020
Who am I? I have little idea. I know what I am interested in, and I know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and what I like and dislike. I am often told that I am a very articulate and self-aware person.
However, most of my life has been an act. I have internalised multiple personas over the years, pretending to be someone I am not, regardless of whether this someone is real or a figment of my imagination. As an extreme example, once, when I was at school, I imitated the precise way a girl pouted her lip. I ended up pouting my lip, and must have looked quite ridiculous.
I try and imitate hair styles, dress styles, speech patterns, actions, almost anything. Sometimes this is very conscious, sometimes it is almost unconscious, but I am always aware that I am playing a part. Even when I am alone in my bedroom, I act 'through' others. Even my interests are often dictated by someone else, someone I admire or want to be like. It feels like I have no autonomy or 'self' that I can call my own; everything is stage managed.
My interests currently come and go, but I am only interested in one area of a subject, and find it hard to generalise my interest to related fields. I have always had this problem, but I am more aware of it now; it means that I find it hard to plan my life, decide what I want to do, and what I want to achieve in life.
I also get obsessed with certain people, and live my life 'through' them, often in fantasy.
Can anyone else relate to this lack of self, identity confusion?
Hi Hope,
I find your post very relatable, I know what you are talking about and I have done the same most of my young life, only recently have I broken away from this which I feel happened because I stopped caring what people thought of me and spent a lot of time alone following my passions and learning about myself behind all the front.Firstly, I would say that it is normal and not weird in any way, because when we are young we pick up words and behaviours so why not when we are older? Maybe you have been picking on others behaviours and styles to fit in and be accepted, do you think that may be the answer?
Immitation may be a way of learning socially and could be your way of trying to find out which styles and traits suit you best. I would say that most people pick things up from others, especially from advertising and popularity of items or traits from characters in movies etc.Also when you say you have imitated personalities and acted, are you sure that its what you have done, I only say this because people naturally change even if they dont have AS from a toddler to a child and child to young adult etc everyone changes their styles and personalities in some way as they grow older.
Hopefully I have helped in some way but would like to speak more about things
Nice to meet you
Charlie