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A hatred/fear for mockery

cmerrick

I was verbally bullied a lot in my primary/early to mid secondary school days, and because of being aspergers (though i didn't know at the time) this was often because of my inability to know what was socially appropreate conversation or just generally making an ass of myself in the way that a combination of autism & childhood behaviour can do(so one might argue my own fault).

21 now, but i think i still have a lot of mental hang ups from the house; for a first point, i can't be laughed at, even when it's in good jest among friends, being the subject of collective laugher just makes my blood boil in an instant. likewise, i am to this day incredably left concious about the opinions of others of me, to the extent where the philosophy that has served me best in life is 'tell no one any more than they need to know about me, under any circumstances''. i will not openly discuss my hobbies (including here) with anyone, friends or family, because of the simple fact that what people know can be used to mock you.

this has lead me to some disareements with my partner. who opposingly will cheerfully tell anyone anything she feels is interesting, not to the extent of private conversations, but certainly to the extent of ''chris has been watching [tv show] and is getting quite into it''. Does ANYONE need to know that about me? what possible purpose does that information serve them? to the extent where i find myself getting annoyed with such circumstances.

the main reason i'm posting this hear is because quite frankly i needed to vent and also if anyone has any experience or advice with similar feelings, because i appreciate my feelings are in the wrong.

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  • Because of my height I get stared at a lot. For years I was very self conscious about this. Tall people do seem to get complexes about the attention they get.

    Looking back on life I get the feeling most people are so concerned about themselves, they don't have time for more than passing observation of others. Someone "noticing" me because of my height is probably more of an automatic reaction than someone actually making a note of it (though I also suffer from people who, because they don't see a face in front of them, walk into me).

    The funniest place I ever lived in this respect was Sheffield, where I was constantly aware of people looking up at me, then down at my feet then looking up again. It is the only place I've ever experienced this. I can only surmise they were checking to see if my feet were on the ground, or I was wearing platform shoes. I doubt if anyone gave it much thought though.

    When two people are laughing or smirking, you have to consider this might be part of an ongoing discussion. The fact they were laughing near you might just be coincidence.

    I'm pretty certain most people don't really notice very much, being too busy with their own thoughts.

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  • Because of my height I get stared at a lot. For years I was very self conscious about this. Tall people do seem to get complexes about the attention they get.

    Looking back on life I get the feeling most people are so concerned about themselves, they don't have time for more than passing observation of others. Someone "noticing" me because of my height is probably more of an automatic reaction than someone actually making a note of it (though I also suffer from people who, because they don't see a face in front of them, walk into me).

    The funniest place I ever lived in this respect was Sheffield, where I was constantly aware of people looking up at me, then down at my feet then looking up again. It is the only place I've ever experienced this. I can only surmise they were checking to see if my feet were on the ground, or I was wearing platform shoes. I doubt if anyone gave it much thought though.

    When two people are laughing or smirking, you have to consider this might be part of an ongoing discussion. The fact they were laughing near you might just be coincidence.

    I'm pretty certain most people don't really notice very much, being too busy with their own thoughts.

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