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Pretty down and done with relationships

flutestardust

I am in my early 50s, and my wife has told me she wants a divorce. This is second time round for me, as I have been divorced before. The reasons she no longer wants to be with me after 15 years is she says I am not affectionate or romantic, do not anticipate her needs, do not listen to her, and disappear into my own little world too much. She has been ill for a while, and I have been caring for her, and I think my love language is one of trying to provide service to her. She says that she could could put up with my failings when she was well, but now she is poorly, she can no longer tolerate to be with me.

Relationships are so complicated. I thought things were going well until around six months ago, but now she says they were not, but it didn't really matter at the time because she could put up with me. Now she says she still loves me but doesn't want to be with me.

I don't think my autistic traits have helped me. I have tried to be a good person and good husband, and she acknowledges I have have been trying harder recently, but it isn't enough for her to want to be with me.

I honestly think I am done with relationships. I can't seem to make anyone happy or to do what people expect or need. I am just seen as selfish and self absorbed, and it making me feel a pretty worthless and *** up human being right now.

  • flutestardust said:
    I honestly think I am done with relationships. I can't seem to make anyone happy or to do what people expect or need. I am just seen as selfish and self absorbed, and it making me feel a pretty worthless and *** up human being right now.

    It's not surprising that you feel like that, right now. My own experience is that the feel;ing doesn't last forever, but I know that's hard to absorb when you're feeling so bad.

    I guess that things went well when your wife had the energy to overcome communication issues between you when she was well, but her illness has sapped that and so everything is just too much for her now.  She does love you but has no strength left to deal with everything, which is so sad for both of you. Anticipating someone else's needs when you can't always interpret your own, let alone theirs, is so difficult. My own experience of many allistic people is that they read other people so easily that they find it painful to have to spell things out because it doesn't come naturally to them. It sounds like your wife just doesn't have the energy to do that for you. In my last relationship (which lasted for 17 years), I did my best to read his needs but, in the end, he needed so much from me and when I told him what I needed, he couldn't manage to deal with that and we had to part, which was hard for both of us. I cared about him very deeply but had run out of energy and he couldn't bridge the gap. At the time, I was angry with him and that was the last straw; now, I see it as two people who simply couldn't meet each others' expectations when things changed I needed more than he could give. It's sad, but it doesn't mean that you're a worse person than you were 6 months ago - it's just that people change and sometimes the differences seem overwhelming.

    You could ask her whether she's willing to try autistic-friendly couples therapy (the NAS Directory is good for looking for thereapists in your area) but if she has made her mind up, she might not agree to that. 

  • Hi Flutestardust,

    I am sorry to hear this.  I am sure our supportive Online Community users will have lots of useful advice.

    In the meantime this resources may be useful to you.

    Socialising and relationships

    I hope that you feel a little better soon 

    Be find to yourself

    Take Care

    Suzanne Mod