Autistic self care

Huge thanks for this useful thread, B  which has thankfully enabled me to speak out. I haven't been able to reveal the following until now, being retired with little contact with others, so it no longer matters. I hope it this be useful to others with similar issues.

I had incontinence as a child. This must have had physiological reasons but it was partly fearful of asking to go to the toilet and trying to gauge when I needed to go. I had a total lack of awareness about my appearance too. These things must be linked to my dysfunctional parents, who spent all their years arguing, scoring points, with mother making inappropriate comment to me about their marriage. At Primary, I didn't notice and it was not commented on by pupils, though I remember a group of teachers commenting [whilst I was doing gym, climbing a rope] 'her legs are badly stained'. I remember crying to mother aged about 10 about my terrible 'home' haircut, so someone must have brought this to my attention.

At senior school, I started getting negative comment '['pooh [+wrinkled nose] what have you been eating?'], also given deodorant soap, [albeit in a pretty package by one of the more tactful girls]. By my teens, a boy in class made a very humiliating comment, smirking at me, 'I can smell ***' [slang word for private part of female anatomy]. At work, I again became the butt of sly comment and jokes - I know every 'wee' joke going!  I also had jokes on the lines of, 'you look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards'.  [At this time, I was riding a motorbike to work but unaware of my appearance when I arrived]. By this time I was paranoid, taking spare pants, wipes and deodorant to work, spending ages in the toilets when no one was around, to make myself hygienic and decent looking. Even when I left jobs, several times if I  happened to meet an old colleague, I was the butt of more jokes - they never asked how I was or what I was doing. 

Nowadays, I am careful about hygiene, particularly going shopping or to outings. l take a comb in my handbage, also a comb, spare pants and socks in the car. After years being humiliated, I take the view, 'I am doing the best I can' - which I'd always done but too shy or embarrassed to talk about it to fellow pupils or colleagues. No teachers or employers made comment but I wish they had - in fact, I longed for this. After decades of bad behaviour [I mean, their bad behaviour], my confidence was ultra low and I took a long time to recover. I did this by praising myself out loud, in front of a mirror, with aphorisms like, 'I am doing my best.' I even wrote, 'hello gorgeous!' in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. 

What I suggest to others is:

1. find someone to talk to about your concerns and fears - family, best friend, colleague, employer, HR, GP

2. maintain your sense of self worth, perhaps using methods I describe in the last paragraph above

3. remember, many have hidden physiological problems, including body bacteria that trigger unpleasant odours,  so never do anything spiteful  in case it happens to you. Also, have empathy and if you can, try to be the person who responds to cries for help, as in 1.

I hope this helps someone!

Huge thanks for this useful thread, B  which has thankfully enabled me to speak out. I haven't been able to reveal the following until now, being retired with little contact with others, so it no longer matters. I hope it this be useful to others with similar issues.

I had incontinence as a child. This must have had physiological reasons but it was partly fearful of asking to go to the toilet and trying to gauge when I needed to go. I had a total lack of awareness about my appearance too. These things must be linked to my dysfunctional parents, who spent all their years arguing, scoring points, with mother making inappropriate comment to me about their marriage. At Primary, I didn't notice and it was not commented on by pupils, though I remember a group of teachers commenting [whilst I was doing gym, climbing a rope] 'her legs are badly stained'. I remember crying to mother aged about 10 about my terrible 'home' haircut, so someone must have brought this to my attention.

At senior school, I started getting negative comment '['pooh [+wrinkled nose] what have you been eating?'], also given deodorant soap, [albeit in a pretty package by one of the more tactful girls]. By my teens, a boy in class made a very humiliating comment, smirking at me, 'I can smell ***' [slang word for private part of female anatomy]. At work, I again became the butt of sly comment and jokes - I know every 'wee' joke going!  I also had jokes on the lines of, 'you look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards'.  [At this time, I was riding a motorbike to work but unaware of my appearance when I arrived]. By this time I was paranoid, taking spare pants, wipes and deodorant to work, spending ages in the toilets when no one was around, to make myself hygienic and decent looking. Even when I left jobs, several times if I  happened to meet an old colleague, I was the butt of more jokes - they never asked how I was or what I was doing. 

Nowadays, I am careful about hygiene, particularly going shopping or to outings. l take a comb in my handbage, also a comb, spare pants and socks in the car. After years being humiliated, I take the view, 'I am doing the best I can' - which I'd always done but too shy or embarrassed to talk about it to fellow pupils or colleagues. No teachers or employers made comment but I wish they had - in fact, I longed for this. After decades of bad behaviour [I mean, their bad behaviour], my confidence was ultra low and I took a long time to recover. I did this by praising myself out loud, in front of a mirror, with aphorisms like, 'I am doing my best.' I even wrote, 'hello gorgeous!' in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. 

What I suggest to others is:

1. find someone to talk to about your concerns and fears - family, best friend, colleague, employer, HR, GP

2. maintain your sense of self worth, perhaps using methods I describe in the last paragraph above

3. remember, many have hidden physiological problems, including body bacteria that trigger unpleasant odours,  so never do anything spiteful  in case it happens to you. Also, have empathy and if you can, try to be the person who responds to cries for help, as in 1.

I hope this helps someone!

Marianne72 said:

I had a total lack of awareness about my appearance too. These things must be linked to my dysfunctional parents

I had no awareness, either. Although I didn't have your particular problem, I remember one of the admin staff in secondary school commenting that my hair was in rat-tails (that is, really greasy). I did wash it more frequently but not always with the right things. I reember using washing-up liquid, at least once. I have no real idea what my mother's problem was (possibly ADD, but also possibly a learning disability) but, looking back, my father was autistic. Neither gave me any guidance about self-care and I had to pick up what I could from adverse comments at school.

I remember Matron at boarding school opening my discarded pyjama bottoms to show the the dorm-mistress that I'd had diarrhoea in the night - in front of me as though I wasn't there. (I was about ten). I had no awareness that that had happened. They also forcibly washed my hair without bothering whether the shampoo ran into my eyes or my distress at water running down my face - something I can't stand, regardless of shampoo.

Like you, I've never admitted to any of this stuff.  for having the courage to open up about this. Of course, in our childhoods, girls didn't have autism and, in any case, mental health or neurodivergence was only recognised if it was severe enough to require hospitalisation or confinement to highly specialised schools.

It’s sad how people can be so cruel to one another. You’d expect that kind of behavior on a playground, not from grown adults.

Thank you M.