Autistic self care

With personal care you can't please everyone.  So just take care of yourself and ignore other people's comments.

I started to improve my hygiene when I was in my twenties.   At university other students complained that I didnt wash myself or my clothes often enough, I smelled.  

Back home the opposite happened,  my mother complained that I was turning into a weirdo because I took baths too often, once a week was considered far too frequent, she complained that I went off and  washed my hands before eating sandwiches. 

Sometimes you just can't win.

I had a really bad scalp problem and very thick hair as a child, and used to scream during hair washes and had to be held down (not sure if fear, autism or both were going on here). Then when I could do it myself I became obsessed with water, baths and showers and now will retreat to the bathroom when things are feeling overwhelming. I know I push myself to fit in despite finding it exhausting. I know it would be better for me to spend more time alone but I always put other people’s feelings first. So I suppose in the outside I look like I am doing okay, but inside my head, my mental health does suffer a lot. 

I was always made hyper aware of my appearance and that I never looked good enough, my body shape and height were wrong. But I was never allowed nice clothes in cuts or colours that suited me, I was always dowdy in sensible shoes than made my feet look huge. I wasn't allowed to wear deoderant and make up limited, especially what colours I could wear. My hair was just long, I don't think I went to the hairdresser for years after I was about 8.

I never really found any sense of style or anything until I was in my 30's, I still struggle, between allergies to things like make up, a serious dislike of being hot and sweaty and having problems find clothes that fit, let alone ones I like, it a difficult thing for me. I am quite particular about my hair now though, I like to be well cut and in a style that always looks like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards.

Eating well and exercising are just part of how I live, if I don't I end up with terrible digestive problems and my whole body starts to seize up if I don't keep moving. I often pray and talk ot the Gods. Because of allergies to so many medicines, I use quite a few alternative treatments and practitioners, but this isn't an indulgence, it's to keep me moving.

I don't particularly like how I look, I don't really like most of my clothes, I'd love to have more choice, it's very hard not to keep believing the old messages that I'm physically not good enough and never will be.

Marianne72 said:

I had a total lack of awareness about my appearance too. These things must be linked to my dysfunctional parents

I had no awareness, either. Although I didn't have your particular problem, I remember one of the admin staff in secondary school commenting that my hair was in rat-tails (that is, really greasy). I did wash it more frequently but not always with the right things. I reember using washing-up liquid, at least once. I have no real idea what my mother's problem was (possibly ADD, but also possibly a learning disability) but, looking back, my father was autistic. Neither gave me any guidance about self-care and I had to pick up what I could from adverse comments at school.

I remember Matron at boarding school opening my discarded pyjama bottoms to show the the dorm-mistress that I'd had diarrhoea in the night - in front of me as though I wasn't there. (I was about ten). I had no awareness that that had happened. They also forcibly washed my hair without bothering whether the shampoo ran into my eyes or my distress at water running down my face - something I can't stand, regardless of shampoo.

Like you, I've never admitted to any of this stuff.  for having the courage to open up about this. Of course, in our childhoods, girls didn't have autism and, in any case, mental health or neurodivergence was only recognised if it was severe enough to require hospitalisation or confinement to highly specialised schools.

Alexa said:

I have to put up with the sensory intrusion of a salon, plus the social chatter of a hairdresser. I know that level of social interaction is one of the things that makes a hairdresser successful in their trade, but it's exhausting when one isn't NT. 

Lol this is exactly why my hair is so long right now. I have the time. I have the money. I just don’t have the spoons to survive having someone touching my hair and making small talk lol.

It’s sad how people can be so cruel to one another. You’d expect that kind of behavior on a playground, not from grown adults.

Thank you M.

Huge thanks for this useful thread, B  which has thankfully enabled me to speak out. I haven't been able to reveal the following until now, being retired with little contact with others, so it no longer matters. I hope it this be useful to others with similar issues.

I had incontinence as a child. This must have had physiological reasons but it was partly fearful of asking to go to the toilet and trying to gauge when I needed to go. I had a total lack of awareness about my appearance too. These things must be linked to my dysfunctional parents, who spent all their years arguing, scoring points, with mother making inappropriate comment to me about their marriage. At Primary, I didn't notice and it was not commented on by pupils, though I remember a group of teachers commenting [whilst I was doing gym, climbing a rope] 'her legs are badly stained'. I remember crying to mother aged about 10 about my terrible 'home' haircut, so someone must have brought this to my attention.

At senior school, I started getting negative comment '['pooh [+wrinkled nose] what have you been eating?'], also given deodorant soap, [albeit in a pretty package by one of the more tactful girls]. By my teens, a boy in class made a very humiliating comment, smirking at me, 'I can smell ***' [slang word for private part of female anatomy]. At work, I again became the butt of sly comment and jokes - I know every 'wee' joke going!  I also had jokes on the lines of, 'you look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards'.  [At this time, I was riding a motorbike to work but unaware of my appearance when I arrived]. By this time I was paranoid, taking spare pants, wipes and deodorant to work, spending ages in the toilets when no one was around, to make myself hygienic and decent looking. Even when I left jobs, several times if I  happened to meet an old colleague, I was the butt of more jokes - they never asked how I was or what I was doing. 

Nowadays, I am careful about hygiene, particularly going shopping or to outings. l take a comb in my handbage, also a comb, spare pants and socks in the car. After years being humiliated, I take the view, 'I am doing the best I can' - which I'd always done but too shy or embarrassed to talk about it to fellow pupils or colleagues. No teachers or employers made comment but I wish they had - in fact, I longed for this. After decades of bad behaviour [I mean, their bad behaviour], my confidence was ultra low and I took a long time to recover. I did this by praising myself out loud, in front of a mirror, with aphorisms like, 'I am doing my best.' I even wrote, 'hello gorgeous!' in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. 

What I suggest to others is:

1. find someone to talk to about your concerns and fears - family, best friend, colleague, employer, HR, GP

2. maintain your sense of self worth, perhaps using methods I describe in the last paragraph above

3. remember, many have hidden physiological problems, including body bacteria that trigger unpleasant odours,  so never do anything spiteful  in case it happens to you. Also, have empathy and if you can, try to be the person who responds to cries for help, as in 1.

I hope this helps someone!

I think so, B. We tend to try hard to fit in so we are liked rather than bullied or otherwise othered. This can lead a person to think their worth is contingent on some level of behaviour or attainment rather than being loved unconditionally and being enough just as they/we are.

I adopted the phrase 'recovering people pleaser' from Natalie Lue, whose book 'The Joy of Saying No' was a valuable read for me.

And advocating for them. 

It's never too late to learn. 

Welcome back 

the wanderer said:

I think self care starts with paying close attention to our needs and acting on them. It's easier said than done as I think we probably still go along with expectation rather than actual needs, even when we know we are autistic and think we know what we need.

Yes.

It's also to do with recognising those needs in the first place, something I have massively struggled with in my life.

leveller61 said:

recovering people pleaser.

I like that term.

I'm not sure I've got that far to be 'in recovery' but it has been a major issue for me too in my life to the degree that I have seriously compromised my life.

I suspect that can be quite common with autism.

I think the difficulty autistic (and adhd) individuals can have is firstly, not listening to or being aware of their own needs and secondly, acting on them. My experience is that executive functioning has been incredibly difficult - way more than I've ever realised due to perpetual burnout and life circumstances. It became the norm. I think self care starts with paying close attention to our needs and acting on them. It's easier said than done as I think we probably still go along with expectation rather than actual needs, even when we know we are autistic and think we know what we need. I also think a lot of our self care needs come down to being able to freely engage in interests which is vital for the autistic individual. I also know, if one is lucky enough to have support in whatever way shape or form,  to not be guilty in making use of that. 

Going to a beautician or nail bar?! For a long time it has taken all I've got just to have a shower and brush my teeth. I didn't realise that wasn't normal. 

I think this is a good topic of discussion.

I get impatient with the need for self-care. I know it's not a waste of time but I find it intensely boring. When i do have to pay for services, such as a haircut, I have to put up with the sensory intrusion of a salon, plus the social chatter of a hairdresser. I know that level of social interaction is one of the things that makes a hairdresser successful in their trade, but it's exhausting when one isn't NT. 

One of the problems for me is lifting the mental worry of organising the house and garden. I hired a cleaning company for the house in order to minimise that relationship chat stuff (just like hairdressers!) but the company have dumped me recently because I go away so frequently to spend time with my closest friend. I guess they just want weekly contracts that don't get interrupted and I do understand their scheduling problems, but it's just another self-care problem, back in my lap. 

I can relate to the whole 'people pleasing' thing. That has been tough to un-learn.

Thanks for those links, B. It's great that people share useful resources they've found online.

I've belatedly started taking better care of myself over the past decade or so, and physically at least I'm in pretty good shape now. Still working on my mental health.

In the past, particularly my early adult life, my self-care was pretty hit-and-miss, usually the bare minimum. I suspect that it's only because I was still living with my parents and eating healthy meals with them that I didn't develop any serious health conditions.

I have previously neglected my wellbeing by putting work and other people's needs before my own since childhood. Since my diagnosis last year, I have consciously aimed to improve on this but I am still 'in training' as a recovering people pleaser.