• Replies 3 replies
  • Subscribers 84 subscribers
  • Views 212 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Help needed, relationship breakdown, burn out and capacity to reconnect

googlefox

I would very much appreciate all views and input for a complicated and painful situation. I have AuDHD, and my husband is autistic.

Six months ago—after a period of high stress and multiple major life changes, including retirement and trying to move house—my husband very suddenly ended our 16-year marriage and left. He said he did not plan to do so, but suddenly felt he had to. This is his first experience of severe burnout, and I know it has been terrifying for him. The first few days of witnessing his state were truly horrific.

My ex is a wonderful person and has been my safe person for 16 years. Until this happened, I thought I was his safe person too, and that our relationship was secure. It has been painful to learn that his needs weren't being fully met; he admits he couldn't communicate them, and we both made unhelpful assumptions trying to make each other happy.

His sudden departure was deeply painful, especially as I had been diagnosed with ADHD just six weeks prior and was already struggling to adjust.

For the first three months, we had minimal contact, including two months of complete silence. In the third month, I reached out, we began talking, and he agreed to try again. However, we moved too fast. In just over a week, he crashed, ended things again, and stated he could not be in a relationship at all. When I asked if this was permanent, he said that at the moment, it feels permanent.

Recently, we started exchanging occasional messages, and we met briefly once—keeping the conversation muted and strictly limited to the weather and one of his special interests. I have been honest that I hold hope we might slowly rebuild a connection. He has been equally honest, stating he doesn't feel that will ever be possible because he feels the change in his relational capacity is permanent.

I care deeply enough to respect what he is saying, but because there is so little clear information on how autistic burnout impacts long-term interpersonal connections, I am seeking community insights.

Has anyone experienced a sudden drop in relational capacity during acute burnout that felt permanent at the time, but shifted after extended recovery? Or did burnout lead to a permanent need to live without the demands of a relationship? I would be so grateful to hear your experiences.

Parents

  • HI there,

    I'm so sorry to hear you are both going through this.  I guess there's no predicting what will happen here really, but I have been through protracted burnouts and it can feel like they are going to go on for ever and if you don't really understand that that is what you are going through you can kind of end up not being able to see the wood for the proverbial trees.

    I guess a lot will depend on what other pressures he has, how well he understands what it is he is experiencing and how confident he is that he will eventually recover.  It does sound from what you are saying that it isn't that he doesn't want you, but more like he doubts he has anything to give in his current state.  It doesn't sound as though he really knows what he wants at the moment and is probably too worn out to pick his way through this.

    Withdrawal is common with burn out.  Social withdrawal is essential even to recovery.  So, yes there is a drop in relational capacity.  Been there, but with recovery there comes a time to rebalance life such to avoid burn out in future.  For me that's managing social contact carefully.  My primary relationships, however, I've found remain sound so long as others understand that burnout is what I am experiencing and that I love them very much even if I am not currently at my most responsive and not in the mood to party.  If they don't get that I can't keep pace with their social schedule, executive demands and physically channelling pace of like at that point, well .... those relationships will suffer. 

    Your ex will, of course, have to work it out his own way and that might look very different to my experience.  But I think you are doing the right thing by keeping the channels open and low key and being patient.  What he is experiencing is unlikely to last forever, but it may take a while.  My guess would be only at that point will he know whether he still wants your relationship and what he wants to do about that.  If he does, it might help to reassure him that it is OK to retreat a while when he needs to.

Reply

  • HI there,

    I'm so sorry to hear you are both going through this.  I guess there's no predicting what will happen here really, but I have been through protracted burnouts and it can feel like they are going to go on for ever and if you don't really understand that that is what you are going through you can kind of end up not being able to see the wood for the proverbial trees.

    I guess a lot will depend on what other pressures he has, how well he understands what it is he is experiencing and how confident he is that he will eventually recover.  It does sound from what you are saying that it isn't that he doesn't want you, but more like he doubts he has anything to give in his current state.  It doesn't sound as though he really knows what he wants at the moment and is probably too worn out to pick his way through this.

    Withdrawal is common with burn out.  Social withdrawal is essential even to recovery.  So, yes there is a drop in relational capacity.  Been there, but with recovery there comes a time to rebalance life such to avoid burn out in future.  For me that's managing social contact carefully.  My primary relationships, however, I've found remain sound so long as others understand that burnout is what I am experiencing and that I love them very much even if I am not currently at my most responsive and not in the mood to party.  If they don't get that I can't keep pace with their social schedule, executive demands and physically channelling pace of like at that point, well .... those relationships will suffer. 

    Your ex will, of course, have to work it out his own way and that might look very different to my experience.  But I think you are doing the right thing by keeping the channels open and low key and being patient.  What he is experiencing is unlikely to last forever, but it may take a while.  My guess would be only at that point will he know whether he still wants your relationship and what he wants to do about that.  If he does, it might help to reassure him that it is OK to retreat a while when he needs to.

Children
No Data