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Help needed, relationship breakdown, burn out and capacity to reconnect

googlefox

I would very much appreciate all views and input for a complicated and painful situation. I have AuDHD, and my husband is autistic.

Six months ago—after a period of high stress and multiple major life changes, including retirement and trying to move house—my husband very suddenly ended our 16-year marriage and left. He said he did not plan to do so, but suddenly felt he had to. This is his first experience of severe burnout, and I know it has been terrifying for him. The first few days of witnessing his state were truly horrific.

My ex is a wonderful person and has been my safe person for 16 years. Until this happened, I thought I was his safe person too, and that our relationship was secure. It has been painful to learn that his needs weren't being fully met; he admits he couldn't communicate them, and we both made unhelpful assumptions trying to make each other happy.

His sudden departure was deeply painful, especially as I had been diagnosed with ADHD just six weeks prior and was already struggling to adjust.

For the first three months, we had minimal contact, including two months of complete silence. In the third month, I reached out, we began talking, and he agreed to try again. However, we moved too fast. In just over a week, he crashed, ended things again, and stated he could not be in a relationship at all. When I asked if this was permanent, he said that at the moment, it feels permanent.

Recently, we started exchanging occasional messages, and we met briefly once—keeping the conversation muted and strictly limited to the weather and one of his special interests. I have been honest that I hold hope we might slowly rebuild a connection. He has been equally honest, stating he doesn't feel that will ever be possible because he feels the change in his relational capacity is permanent.

I care deeply enough to respect what he is saying, but because there is so little clear information on how autistic burnout impacts long-term interpersonal connections, I am seeking community insights.

Has anyone experienced a sudden drop in relational capacity during acute burnout that felt permanent at the time, but shifted after extended recovery? Or did burnout lead to a permanent need to live without the demands of a relationship? I would be so grateful to hear your experiences.

  • HI there,

    I'm so sorry to hear you are both going through this.  I guess there's no predicting what will happen here really, but I have been through protracted burnouts and it can feel like they are going to go on for ever and if you don't really understand that that is what you are going through you can kind of end up not being able to see the wood for the proverbial trees.

    I guess a lot will depend on what other pressures he has, how well he understands what it is he is experiencing and how confident he is that he will eventually recover.  It does sound from what you are saying that it isn't that he doesn't want you, but more like he doubts he has anything to give in his current state.  It doesn't sound as though he really knows what he wants at the moment and is probably too worn out to pick his way through this.

    Withdrawal is common with burn out.  Social withdrawal is essential even to recovery.  So, yes there is a drop in relational capacity.  Been there, but with recovery there comes a time to rebalance life such to avoid burn out in future.  For me that's managing social contact carefully.  My primary relationships, however, I've found remain sound so long as others understand that burnout is what I am experiencing and that I love them very much even if I am not currently at my most responsive and not in the mood to party.  If they don't get that I can't keep pace with their social schedule, executive demands and physically channelling pace of like at that point, well .... those relationships will suffer. 

    Your ex will, of course, have to work it out his own way and that might look very different to my experience.  But I think you are doing the right thing by keeping the channels open and low key and being patient.  What he is experiencing is unlikely to last forever, but it may take a while.  My guess would be only at that point will he know whether he still wants your relationship and what he wants to do about that.  If he does, it might help to reassure him that it is OK to retreat a while when he needs to.

  • Hi there googlefox.  I am so very sorry to hear about what you and your ex-husband have been going through.  It sounds incredibly difficult for both of you, but please know that you aren't alone.  Our community is full of many people who have experienced different kinds of relationship struggles, so I'm sure they will be able to advise and support you appropriately.  It is also good to hear that, despite your separation, you have maintained a civil relationship, which I'm sure is deeply relieving to both of you.

    You may find looking at our guide on autistic burnout helpful to try to see things from your ex-husband's point of view, and perhaps learn more about how it is making him feel.

    Either you or your ex-partner may benefit from counselling to think through your feelings and decide on how to progress.  You can find counsellors and related professionals and services in our Autism Services Directory if you are in the UK.

    Wishing you all the best in these hard times.  Please do post again if you feel able to, to let us know how you are getting on.

  • I don't know your ex, and I may be completely wrong about what is happening for him, so please only take from this what actually resonates, if anything at all. It is only one possible interpretation.

    One possibility that I think is worth considering is that when someone experiences a total autistic collapse, their perception of responsibility may shift completely. If you imagine hitting a point where you literally have zero reserves to give anything back, where you know you cant support your partner the way a relationship requires, staying together begins to feel irresponsible. In some sense, letting a partner go can be seen as an act of love. You feel that they deserve the world, but there is nothing you can offer them. You are like a ghost operating in another dimension.

    I could be misreading the situation entirely, but his stepping away might not have been a lack of care or love. Maybe it was quite the opposite. It may simply have been the only honest option to protect you that he could see at the time.

    You have shown a lot of patience and care in trying to understand his burnout and support him. But because recovery (and healing) from severe burnout is so unpredictable and can take such a long time (I'd say years rather than months), holding onto hope for things to return to how they were carries a risk of extremely heavy emotional cost for you.

    Even if you aren't ready to let go completely, I feel it might be worth gently stepping back from the pressure of waiting. Or, if you feel you should wait, prioritise yourself first. Your own body and mind likely need care right now too. I can only guess that you may need time and space to heal and rest, find ways keep yourself safe and to process this huge shock, and to give yourself room to adjust to your own diagnosis on your own terms. Seeing you managing your life may also bring quiet relief to your ex, knowing you are safe even while he can't support you.