Am I controlling

TJM said:

Last night I found one called princess and unicorn and was super excited because those are our nicknames for each other. He gave me a response which felt dismissive . This led to me feeling stupid and childish  for liking things like this that are for children. I got really upset and he didn't understand. I felt the moment was spoiled. He accused me of policing his feelings and being coercive and controlling

I can only offer an interpretation from what I think your partner may have been thinking with some suggestions to help put it into context.

Your response is one I am quite familiar with from earlier in my adult life so I understand how you felt. It caused a lot of issues in one of my relationships where my partner just didn't care about things I was passionate about and I often felt snubbed or belittled when in retrospect the problem was of my own making. Anyway, here are my thoughts on what may be happening:

1 - you were very excited and he wasn't so you may have seen his lack of enthusiasm as him being critical when I suspect it was just the difference in excitement levels. It would be understandable to see this lack of empathy as rejection when it is most likely just your partner being authentic.

2 - Did he make any mention about you being stupid? I suspect this was your interpretation based on the shame you may have felt from misjudging his reaction so it is just a perception and not reality. 

3 - When you say the moment was spoiled because of him, could you be projecting here because of point 2?

4 - Where your partner accused you of policing his feelings in this situation, can you reflect on your anger response in light of the above points and consider if you were presenting a response where you expected his response to be the one you want then chastising him for not doing so?


There is probably a lot in the situation that isn't explained so I am only responding based on what you said and filling in some blanks and I may have missed the mark on some points.

If I assumed incorrectly then I apologise.

I find I can use mindfulness when in this sort of situation where I can pause to consider how I am feeling and consider how I feel like I want to respond. It took a long time to learn how to do this but it proved very useful in my career as a manager when I often had to control my response to staff or clients.

I used to have problems identifying my emotions which made some of this reflecting difficult - do you have this challenge too?

TJM said:

Last night I found one called princess and unicorn and was super excited because those are our nicknames for each other. He gave me a response which felt dismissive . This led to me feeling stupid and childish  for liking things like this that are for children. I got really upset and he didn't understand. I felt the moment was spoiled. He accused me of policing his feelings and being coercive and controlling

I can only offer an interpretation from what I think your partner may have been thinking with some suggestions to help put it into context.

Your response is one I am quite familiar with from earlier in my adult life so I understand how you felt. It caused a lot of issues in one of my relationships where my partner just didn't care about things I was passionate about and I often felt snubbed or belittled when in retrospect the problem was of my own making. Anyway, here are my thoughts on what may be happening:

1 - you were very excited and he wasn't so you may have seen his lack of enthusiasm as him being critical when I suspect it was just the difference in excitement levels. It would be understandable to see this lack of empathy as rejection when it is most likely just your partner being authentic.

2 - Did he make any mention about you being stupid? I suspect this was your interpretation based on the shame you may have felt from misjudging his reaction so it is just a perception and not reality. 

3 - When you say the moment was spoiled because of him, could you be projecting here because of point 2?

4 - Where your partner accused you of policing his feelings in this situation, can you reflect on your anger response in light of the above points and consider if you were presenting a response where you expected his response to be the one you want then chastising him for not doing so?


There is probably a lot in the situation that isn't explained so I am only responding based on what you said and filling in some blanks and I may have missed the mark on some points.

If I assumed incorrectly then I apologise.

I find I can use mindfulness when in this sort of situation where I can pause to consider how I am feeling and consider how I feel like I want to respond. It took a long time to learn how to do this but it proved very useful in my career as a manager when I often had to control my response to staff or clients.

I used to have problems identifying my emotions which made some of this reflecting difficult - do you have this challenge too?